I am angry almost all the time. I am often numb too. I am 41 years old and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I walk around everyday wondering if other people like me and whether I am doing something wrong. I hate it! I nearly constantly think I am doing something wrong.
My mother taught me to repress my feelings and needs as a child and now that I am an adult I STILL think more about what other people want & need than what I need. It is nearly killing me!
I have tried to undo this people pleasing mechanism inside me- any advise?
It is to the point that I am willing to isolate myself from my family and everyone that I should love to stop the pain of perceived disappointment. I JUST WANT TO PLEASE MYSELF! I WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE MYSELF!
It does not help that I have a husband that is critical. He is always watching me and judging me (at least I think he is). If I do something wrong he is quick to point it out. He refers to himself as "a godly man" and tells me my girlfriends are "the most godly people he's ever met", but I feel silently condemned. He is very controlled and hardly talks to me. Those kind words are not for me....why? If I smoke he's quick to tell everyone about it. I seriously believe he is slandering my character within my church community.
I am a nice girl. I will compliment my high school students, friends & family when I see a good work in their lives..... but no one gives me the accolades I wish I could hear.... and maybe need. I feel such a sense of emotional neediness inside me I am ready to take drastic measures to change the climate of my life- like changing everything. My job, my physical location, divorce.... everything!
and my faith in Jesus Christ seems to exasperate this problem in my life... because I'm supposed to "die to self and serve others"
Please Help! Has anyone been here & can help me?