| | I Need help/Advice! (Long story)
I have a problem and need help/advise. I have been angry for almost 30 years and trust me I'm tired of it. After having my son (2007) I started having panic attacks and seriously thought I was going insane. I only had 1 or 2 the first 2 years and once I quit nursing I started having more. I didn't realize they were panic attacks until just recently. My father passed away last year and I started feeling everything to the extreme!
To go to the beginning, I was adopted when I was 3, parents then got divorced when I was 6. My mom moved out and my 2 sisters and myself stayed with our dad. 2 years later my dad decided that he couldn't be around my mother and moved 3000 miles away. He gave us girls the choice to go with him or stay with her. My oldest sister went, my other sister stayed and I wanted to go but my mom made me stay. I did not get along with my mother and my sister always got me in trouble, so I finally just started to get in trouble so when I was blamed for something, I did it.
After living with them for 2 1/2 years my mom finally had enough and sent me to Florida to live with my dad. (It was Valentine's Day) So of course when I get to Florida I'm already hurt so I then begin to take it out on myself (hurting my father) and just being crazy and out of control. I stole my dads car when I was 11 and totaled it fracturing my skull and leaving me with seizures. I overdosed on pink pills when I was 12 and was skipping school, smoking, running away.. you name it I was doing it. My dad tried getting me help but I would just make me angry to hear a councilor telling me they understand and blah blah blah
Finally my dad decided to move back to Idaho, I was 13, I was so upset!! He decided to move to a town with 2000 people (I had more kids in my middle school in Florida). Anyway, all there was to do was sex, drugs, rock and roll and I started all of it with in months of being there. Went to jail when I was 14, had over 150 run away charges, finally when I was 15 they locked me up for good. While I was locked up I heard of this unlocked faultily and did everything I could to get put in this place... Dumb asses fell for it! Once I moved into this place I turn 16. We were having a Christmas play and one of the boys gave me their photo (We weren't allowed to talk to the boys) so after the play I went to the staff and gave them the photo and said I just wanted to be honest and give you this photo so I would be caught with it. Well that put me on a full restriction and I lost the privilege to go spend my birthday with my dad. So I made a plan of escape. I would pretend I had a headache and when the staff (only on on night shift) went in the office a fellow escapee would go into the kitchen, I would then tell the staff I need some water and when I get into the kitchen her and I would take off running. It worked :-)
Once we left her (other escapee) foster mother sent her to California and myself to Florida. I would then find myself being picked up by the police (once in Florida 3 days after arriving). Well my father told the cops that I wouldn't stick around if they went for me so they sent my dad. Well he also knew I wouldn't stick around for him to pick me up either. I wound up living on the streets eating PBJ's for the next 6/7 months before moving in with old friends. Before this happened I was waiting for a friend and was punched in my mouth by 2 guys. Broke my jaw in 2 places and that's when I realized I wasn't safe on the streets anymore. While with my jaw broken I was raped and thrown back on the beach. (This story would take way to much space.)
I wound up meeting this guy and moving in with him. He decided I was a great punching bag and about 1 year or so later I would finally leave him. Moving in with my aunt. It became a back and forth thing with me and abusive guys. I would then start moving back and forth from Florida to Idaho with my dad.
Once I was 18, I took my friend with me to New Orleans (bad experience and left.) My friend decided she would stay so I went back to Florida.
I started partying really hard (having a lot of fun) but it was getting me in trouble. I started dancing (which I loved) and life was good for awhile. I would go through a couple boyfriends and girlfriends (got tired of men) and then I got a phone call. It was Mother's Day 1998. It was some woman that I never talk to before. She proceeds to tell me she is my birth mother. I told her this not a funny joke and who is she really. She then starts to tell me things no one would have known and I collapse. She asked me if I would like to come to California to meet her she will pay blah blah blah. At first I was not interested but then I started to think about it and decided it has been a long time so why not. On the plane ride over I wasn't sure if I would hit her or hug her.. I hugged her. Didn't really know what to think, but she had this way of making me feel like everything she said was bull... So I go back to Florida kinda forget about her.. moved on with my life and on my 22 birthday my boyfriend decided what I must have always wanted was to be strangled, so that's what I got that year. I decided I had enough and called Christy (my birth mom) and asked if I could move there. Of course she was so excited.
About 3 months after living with her, I couldn't take it anymore and went off on her. She was mad because her husband and I could talk about things and relate to things and it made her so jealous that she kicked me out. Great now I'm in a place where I know nobody! Was dating someone but didn't want to live with him but wound up doing it. A few months went by and of course it wasn't working and Christy asked me to move back in and try again. I was working and I met someone again. Well this guy I thought was the best thing in the world and for once I felt in love and Christy got upset with this one also. Spending to much time with him, this and that and whatever else. So again she kicked me out and I found out he was married!!! He left wife and we wound up camping for 9 months. We drank a lot, partied a little too hard and I guess I pushed him to far and he punched me in the face and again I was being strangled. Well, we were both very sorry and I let it go. For the next 4 years, it stayed the same back and forth, me putting him in jail, me moving in with my dad. My boyfriend getting out of jail me going back to California. Then me putting him in prison. I wound up moving into a shelter, starting college, buying a car, getting my **** together. When he got out of prison I decided I would try it again (Because I'm so bright). Well for the next year we were great. I graduated college had a great job and so did he. We were doing great. Well I had a friend (male) stop by and we went to Santa Cruz to hang out, when I got home my boyfriend was so furious he started calling me names and I decided I was done for good. So I left following my friend back to Idaho in my own car.
After being back, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and nervous and then lost it. I was always told I couldn't get pregnant (Surprise!). Anyway, I wound up feeling really weird and sick but couldn't afford to go to the hospital so didn't. My friend I was living with called my dad and said 'if she doesn't go to the hospital she is going to die.' Honestly, I didn't care at that moment but for some reason they did. My dad came by picked me up brought me to the hospital. I had a fever of 106 and after being there for a few days they found out I had a serious infection from the miscarriage. I stayed in the hospital for a week and then left and started my life... again.
This time I was just done!! No boyfriend no nothing. I started working and I started to hang out with everyone after work at the bar... Well we know how the bar is, you meet people and find someone you like.....
I started dating this guy and was really into him. Very nice, smart, good looking, had a job, the whole package. Well I would soon learn that he lost his son. He was very tore up and was pretty much just living to be alive not to really be in the moment. Then my dad got really sick. I freaked out and he then flipped out and we stopped dating. Never hit me or anything, we were just both really messed up people.
I then decided I needed to go back to school and get a degree in something or anything other than what I had.
Christmas 2005, my mom invited me for dinner. Reintroduced me to a guy I met when I was 19. We hit it off and fell for each other. 11 months into the relationship I got pregnant. We were both freaked out. He never wanted kids and I always miscarry. 2007 we have a healthy little boy. Soon after I started having panicky feeling, like I was losing my mind. Thinking of every drug I ever did and if that was the cause of it, was I having flash backs.. what?!?!
My point to all of this, is I have been angry for a very long time and once I had a child I started noticing it way more. I scream so much and never feel happy. I always knew I was angry but never realized how angry. I need the tools and help. I do not want to take pills, I just want to feel happy. My husband (boyfriend- just married from having our son) is the best thing to have ever step foot in my life. He doesn't judge me, talk down to me, understands me.... I couldn't have asked for anyone better. Wonderful father!!
So now I need to fix me so I don't lose everything. I'm scared of it because I'm shutting down. Everything seems to be back to back and I cannot handle this **** anymore. I'm tired of being angry! I'm tired of feeling sad! I'm just tired!!!
So after my very long story (which has a lot more to it) can anyone give me some tips on how to manage my frustrations and to not take it out on my son, husband, and myself? I swore up and down that I was over all of this pain. I let it go. I was wrong! Now the people I care the most for have to deal with it. I don't want a doctor maybe just some advise.
Sorry so long!
Last edited by tiredofbeingmad; 04-11-2012 at 09:30 AM.
Reason: Want to change the title.