I take all my anger out on my boyfriend, feel like im losing him
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months now, I am 18 and he is 21. I know 10 months doesn't seem like a lot to some people, but for us it feels like we have been together forever. We are both very much in love and care very deeply for each other and hope to get married one day. However my parents profoundly disapprove of him, they even kicked me out a few months ago because they found out we were still together. It was a very long story and horrible story. He has never done anything wrong to me, always treated me with the greatest respect and will do anything to make me happy. He is genuinly one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. The fact that he didn't ask my parents for permission to date me is pretty much the only reason why they despise our relationship.
Anyway...I was always a very kind, shy girl. I never really argued with him or got mad at him for stupid reasons like typical girls do. But ever since I was kicked out by my family and had a life changing experience, my entire personality has changed. Not only do I feel symptoms of depression coming along, but I find myself constantly picking fights with him, yelling at him, not trusting him, I question our relationship, I dont even let him joke around with me at all. I am so serious with everything. No matter how hard he tries, I just dont let him put a smile on my face anymore. Little by little I am pushing him away. And the thing is that we always talk about it, we aways talk about how we can make things better, but then the next day the rage grows even bigger! We can have a pleasant conversation and I would just burst out on him, I would say the meanest things to him without even thinking twice about how bad I am hurting him. Its been about 4 months since the whole thing happened with my family, I still live with them (they dont know that him and I have any contact with each other), and I still have nightmares about the day that my parents found out that we were together and went crazy. I feel like a completely different person. I dont feel happy and I dont let my boyfriend make me happy. But I dont want to lose him. I love him so much. How can I make things better?
Re: I take all my anger out on my boyfriend, feel like im losing him
Hi, well first off if your 18, why do you have to get permission to date someone? Is it a "you live in my house, my rules" kind of thing?
It sounds like you've got a major "fear" thing going and it's coming out as anger toward him, because he was the cause of you getting kicked out, thus subconsciously he's the cause of your fear. Having to sneak around behind your parents back, constantly hiding things, telling lies is a very stressful way to live, and fear is a very powerful emotion, it can manifest in many different ways.
If he's such a great, clean cut, normal everyday nice guy, have you considered the 2 of you sitting down with your parents and explaining to them that you like each other, (I wouldn't jump in with the we're madly in love) and would like to date? Maybe you could calm their hurt sense of pride or respect whichever, and you could stop with all the lieing and sneaking around. If you could do that, your problem would probably go away. As long as your governed by the fear of getting caught and kicked out of your home and living with the stress of that everyday, your probably going to keep acting like you are.
Think about talking with your parents and getting this out in the open.
Re: I take all my anger out on my boyfriend, feel like im losing him
I fully agree with the above post...
You know it is not your boyfriend's fault that the situation with your parents happened, but he IS the cause of it (on a very superficial level. Not deep down though of course), and the reaction you have had to the situation with your parents and home life was a fear reaction...because obviously it was a very unsettling and unpleasant time for you (all of you).
I assume you are from a fairly traditional or strict family? Asking permission to date an 18 year old is not really the norm these days...but while I can understand them wanting to protect you and have some control or involvement in your life, they SHOULD accept that it is not a REQUIREMENT these days and thus the majority of potential suitors for you would not expect to have to do that. And they should also know that just because someone does not ask for their permission, it does not mean that person is not a good partner for you.
But you know all that already...
I think maybe a part of your anger INSIDE your head (the basic source or root of the anger) is directed at your boyfriend, as I said above...but other parts are directed at your parents and also at yourself.
If it were me in this situation, I'd be furious at my parents...because I'd be SO hurt by them. They care so much about me that they kick me out because I'm dating someone I love deeply? Seems a contradiction to me.
I would also feel inferior within myself. Am I not worth their unconditional love because of who I have chosen to date? What's wrong with ME that they have reacted so strongly over this person I love and want to be with? This person I have chosen, independently of them.
You take it out on him because he's closest to you. You love him, trust him, are comfortable with him. Unfortunately, this is a common thing - we hurt the ones we love the most.
When he tries to make you happy, and just be normal - how you used to be - do you get even more angry? As if...before, when things were ok with your parents / home situation, you were free to be loved by him and love him. But now...you have conflicting feelings...if he treats you well, you reject it. You do not deserve to be treated well by someone who has caused such problems between you and your parents?
You may unconsciously also blame him for "making" you lie to your parents..feel stressed and guilty and have this thing hanging over your head all the time. As if...the only way for you to be happy is to LIE to your parents? That sort of thinking will eventually screw you up. And it is.
If you are having nightmares about when they found out...that is not good. It has impacted you greatly emotionally, and continues to do so.
This is a bit different, but back when I was 18 I was with my best friend (in a lesbian relationship). We got together...I was very happy and excited...my parents didn't know, and I felt guilty but it was ok for a while. Then my mum worked it out (not quite sure HOW), and confronted me. I was insecure and immature in many ways and didn't have the confidence to stand up for how I felt and who I felt I was.
So I didn't say much...didn't "defend" myself...just wanted her to drop the matter as quickly as possible. She expressed her strong displeasure at my choice of partner and said she felt she had done something wrong in my upbringing (this has all long since changed and she is fine with everything, thank goodness!). This resulted in me feeling HIGHLY guilty. Guilt, I find, is a terrible emotion. It hangs around your neck like a lead weight and makes you act differently to how you otherwise would without its constant presence. I also always tried to hide the frequency I was talking to or seeing my partner. I knew my mum knew about us, but didn't want it to be OUT THERE, if you know what I mean. This put great pressure on me also.
This pressure went on for ages and resulted in me having horrible screaming anger outbursts or "tantrums" directed at who? My partner, who I loved and felt most comfortable with. I did not blame her for anything, and I wasn't angry at my mum either, but I felt...conflicted inside. I felt inferior, inadequate, like something was wrong with me and I did not deserve to be with a loving partner in a normal relationship.
Anyway...I think the way forward for you is either of the following options...
1. Sit down with your parents. Explain to them how you feel. You are not a child. It does not matter that 18 is the kind of traditional age of being an adult who can do what they like - that's irrelevant here. What matters is that they have raised you to be an intelligent and loving person who has her own mind and trusts and loves and respects the person she has chosen to be with in a relationship.
Explain that their reaction to your relationship has hurt you. (I understand this may be REALLY difficult to do. Even impossible perhaps). You do not know why they would rather kick you out of home rather than try to accept you as the independent adult you are. Are you of no value to them unless you follow their rules on what THEY want you to do? (asking permission, etc) And if it really IS simply that your boyfriend did not ask permission to date you, well...that cannot be undone. It is in the past. Do they want to continue to drag that up forever? Or do they want you to be happy? Just because someone asks permission to date you does NOT in any way mean they will be a good partner to you.
2. After doing this (or instead of), sit down with them AND your boyfriend (if the talk with your parents alone didn't go badly). Discuss things like open, intelligent and loving adults. Your boyfriend and your parents have one thing in common even if nothing else right now - they all love and care about YOU and want the best for you. Surely this is highly important.
3. If this does not work, try again. And again. Keep trying with your parents. And in doing so, band together with your boyfriend. Be a team. He loves you, and you already know this. If you can release yourself from this burden caused by the family situation and your parents' reaction, you will be able to let him in again. And a first step in releasing that burden is to try and be open about with your parents. Trying to rectify the situation.
If this does just not work, then you may have to make a choice. Stay living with your parents but continue to sneak around and thus continue to feel angry and stressed like you do. Stay living with them but actually stop seeing your boyfriend even though you love him. Or be honest with your parents and move out. Either move in with your boyfriend or move out somewhere alone, a share house or whatever is possible for your financial situation (which at 18 years old is probably not ideal).