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Old 07-25-2012, 10:22 AM   #1
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My nephew died of SIDS 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend left me; someone needs to pay.

I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality as of July 3, 2012. That's when my 5 1/2 nephew fell asleep at the babysitter's house and did not wake up. I am very close to my sister, I do not have children of my own and her son I treated like mine. I saw him almost every day, and he was in great health then "BAM!" he's gone. When I went through a divorce a year and a half ago my sister was there for me, and now it's my time to be strong for her. The week it happened I stayed strong as I was there for her in whatever she needed and tried not to show how hard I was hurting too because obviously what I was feeling was not even a drop in the bucket compared to the pain of losing her only child. I was able to keep it together so well because I just became "official" with this guy named Jake, my first real relationship since my divorce.

Jake was there for me when it happened. He cried with me and told me he'd always be there for me. I could not break down around my family because I was trying to be a rock for everyone and it was hard to talk about this to my friends since most of them are pregnant or have small children, and seeing all of that made me miss my nephew more. Jake was my support system - he was someone who was there just for me that I could totally unload on. Long story short, Jake ended up pulling away about 2 weeks after the death happened and stopped all contact with me in general this past Friday. I found out he is back with his ex girlfriend.

Looking back I realize I probably put too much stress on a new relationship, but what was I supposed to do? I'm still a complete wreck. I know grieving has a process- shock, anger, depression, and acceptance. I feel like everything I had going for me in my life has been taken away. But mostly I'm just mad. How can someone see me at my lowest and see all the **** I'm going through and not be man enough to at least tell me he doesn't want to be with me. How dare he leave me completely alone while he's banging some skank that cheated on him and left him countless times? Now let me say in the dissolution of past relationships I never wanted to get revenge. I always thought "Well, this is crappy, but I'm going to take the high road and just move on. Its the mature thing to do. They obviously have the problem, not me." Not this time.

I've been going through my mind trying to find the most legal ways of making him suffer. Because if I'm not happy and I'm suffering, then he is going to suffer like I am. I've even thought of going to his or her workplace or home and beating the hell out of one of them, or trying to at least. I just want them to hurt. I'm a good person who did not do anything to deserve any of the pain I'm going through, and they're obviously bad people who like to kick someone when they're down.

It has become all I think about. I can't even focus on my job because of this immense anger and it is hard to leave the house. I go to the gym daily to relieve this tension and it helps for a little bit, but it all comes back. It is so hard to just let go and it has even made me start having panic attacks. I have no idea what to do and I feel like I'm about to explode with anxiety and rage.

Suggestions? My fuse is almost completely cut off.

 
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Otto370 (07-31-2012), Phoenix (08-04-2012)
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:55 AM   #2
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Re: My nephew died of SIDS 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend left me; someone needs to pay.

Think about what you would be doing about this jerk if you hadn't had this dreadful tragedy happen. I agree that to do what he did was a disgusting, cowardly and callous act, and you are right to be angry. I do believe that most of your pain and fury is grief; you mentioned a couple of times that you stayed strong etc for your family's sake. It is true that your sister must be devastated, but you are too, and holding this pain is impossible. Your cheating bf is being an outlet for this, you are adding you grief to the anger. If you go ahead and hurt him, i can guarantee that you will not feel better! It will make no difference at all, you will be just as angry and devestated. Go back to your family, your sister and share her grief. Do you seriously believe that she would resent you grieving for the loss of this precious little boy? Of course she will not. I think that feeling that you cannot join your family in mourning is making you feel at least some of the anger that you have. You will be more there for your sister if you are there to comfort her and cry with her and not being a strong but somewhat remote part of the deal. Myksister lost a baby many years ago and we sobbed, hugged, even got drunk over the course of grieving. You loved the little boy, she will know this and you will help her by being there sharing her pain. Nobody has asked you to be the rock, so let it out. I am so sorry, a child dying is the worst thing. Much worse than some selfish b@stard showing his true colours. Let him go, your family is more important. Sera

 
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Old 07-25-2012, 04:44 PM   #3
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Re: My nephew died of SIDS 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend left me; someone needs to pay.

Thanks Sera. I'm having a hard time sleeping even, and I forgot to include in my post that my mother fell off the wagon during this entire ordeal too and that certainly hasn't helped with the stress, but at least I can say I expected it since she's been an addict or an alcoholic most of my life.

Hearing someone who doesn't know me say these things actually helps, especially from someone else who has also lost a niece/nephew. I think I need to channel my anger into a more productive outlet during my waves of frustration and fury and maybe I can overcome all of this incredible amount of despair I feel. And I'm going to be more honest with how I feel. I just feel like this should be all about my sister and her husband and by my crying and carrying on I feel like it looks like I'm thinking more about me and how I feel and less about how they feel.

But thank you again for your words. They really did help.

 
Old 08-04-2012, 02:04 AM   #4
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Re: My nephew died of SIDS 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend left me; someone needs to pay.

Quote:
Originally Posted by brickphone View Post
Thanks Sera. I'm having a hard time sleeping even, and I forgot to include in my post that my mother fell off the wagon during this entire ordeal too and that certainly hasn't helped with the stress, but at least I can say I expected it since she's been an addict or an alcoholic most of my life.

Hearing someone who doesn't know me say these things actually helps, especially from someone else who has also lost a niece/nephew. I think I need to channel my anger into a more productive outlet during my waves of frustration and fury and maybe I can overcome all of this incredible amount of despair I feel. And I'm going to be more honest with how I feel. I just feel like this should be all about my sister and her husband and by my crying and carrying on I feel like it looks like I'm thinking more about me and how I feel and less about how they feel.

But thank you again for your words. They really did help.
Hello brickphone

Welcome to the boards.

Sorry to hear that you're having to experience everything all at once.

Try,even for a moment,to view the big picture and realize that your anger a response to specific unfortunate events(all warranted).

If your anger seems to grow worse or fester,please consider looking into therapy.It may be worth your while.

My brother was murdered;practically in front of me and I hadn't come to grips with it for approximately 10 years.
For me,the body psychologically just shut down and quickly affected my mood.
As a child,my cousin Tanya(RIP) passed away.I wasn't allowed to attend her funeral because of my age(at least that was the explanation provided) but all I was left with was questions and feeling sad for a person I would never see again(in this lifetime).It was surreal to me.

Alas,this is not about me but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

This is about you;your reaction to the outside factors of stimuli.It's not a switch you can just turn on and shut off.

Please post as often as you need to,as you are always welcome here,ok?

Sincere Respect
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

Last edited by Phoenix; 08-04-2012 at 02:11 AM.

 
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