| | Feel lonely and Self Destruck
I got just a few days left with my kids, From Calif. and I live in Mississippi. I have not seen them in two years this past summer. SO I got them for the summer this year and they go back Aug. 3 2012. I can help dwell on the fact they are leaving it is taking over. I should be enjoying the last few days with them and be happy I got to spend 2 whole months with them. They have had fun and talking about come next year. Even when they are running around and talking to me. I still feel lonely and sad. Right now I am sitting in a chair on the computer typing this in here and almost in tears. Because I will miss them so much. I love them and hope they know it. I am trying to be the best father/daddy I know how.
I feel if I pull away from them now that it will be easier to deal with when the time comes to talk them back. Stupid I know, but what do I do. I talk to them when they come in here, fix them food, play with them when they want to play. Right now they wanted to play my old street fighter game. They enjoy it I donít have all the new game systems like Wii, ps3, or Xbox. Maybe I should get them one for next year.
My lady and I have not been happy with each other in a long time. It had been like 2 weeks since we have had sex. The last time we tried I got mad cause thing was not working right. She upset with me and we donít talk hardly she stays in one room and I the other. We sleep in same bed but other than me holding her until she falls asleep that about as far as it goes.
I get mad at myself and just frustrated that I canít work right now. I feel less than a worthless man. I donít have any respect here at the house and when I try to talk about it or say my feelings something I want to be about me. IT gets turn in to something else about her or kid or pets whatever it can change to just to get it off of me and how I feel.
I understand I need to talk in other feelings and work with them. But I canít even cope with my own feeling right now how do I deal with others. I mean I'm nice to some, mean to most. I feel like I need help. I do feel like hurting myself a lot of times, Just me. like yesterday, My Lady said to me she wanted to see me in earrings I have had my left ear done since I was like 15 and I 32 now. So I went in there and seen my chance to hurt myself slowly. I went and got one of her earings and clean it and my right ear lobe took the earing and slowly pushed really hard "POP" it broke the first layer, I slowly pushed it in until I got to the back and "POP" the second pop went throw the back.
OMG is it odd of me that talking about this earing and how it hurt, kind of turn me on. I have set here and got "wellĒ....... See I need help that not right by any means. The thing is I know stuff is wrong and good and bad. I just donít care right now. Later on the day I will be sorry for the things I done or people I hurt in doing the things I do. But it is too late then......
I have had this painful secret about hurting myself for a long time. But now I coming to the point I am hurting other people by hurting myself and I donít like to hurt others. I feel it me I do stuff to me because I donít know happiness or shouldnít be happy...... When things are going good, I normal do something to mess it up so I can get fuss at or whatever happen to make me feel like crap. But then I get on here and Say I need help,
Does anyone else ever feel like a joke just the arm pit of and Donkey.