It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Anger Management Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-04-2012, 06:25 PM   #1
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
diggdoug HB User
anger towards women i date

I am writing this in an extremely depressed state in hopes that writing about my issues will be therapeutic and cathartic, and also in hopes that someone may identify/advise, etc..

I seem to be stuck in a pattern where I constantly lash out at women I am dating. I'll start with my most recent relationship, which ended today.

I was dating this girl for two months. After we decided to become more seriously involved, sexually, emotionally, I made the mistake of asking about her past relationship experiences. She told me that she has slept around quite a bit, and at 29 years old, her longest serious relationship was only 4 months. It was quite shocking as she seemed like a sweet, classy lady, and I hate to be judgmental, but for lack of a better term, the things she told me instantly made me think that she was a '****.'

While her number of sexual partners is not all that high, most of the men she has slept with have been right away (sometimes within hours of meeting). She described one incident of her meeting a guy in a bar, being taken to his house hours later, and them having sex which she described as 'extremely rough', and after it was over feeling 'she had been raped.' The worst part is that she went back to see this guy two or three more times, until he decided to dump her.

She doesn't even seem to feel shame or regret for this behavior, saying that she 'thinks like a guy' and that sometimes she on some level might even be attracted to being hurt, masochistic. She says she knows she's not a sl-ut, and behaved like this on her own terms (which she did not consider undignified).

She repeatedly said that this was her past, yet a large percentage of her sexual partners (who were never grown out of friendships) still remain on her facebook page. She told me that guys were always the ones to leave her, and she has trouble letting go, etc. Then I find out our relationship was sprung from somewhat of a rebound situation. She had these strong emotions from some guy she never even dated, but had a crush on for nearly half a year. I find out it's a guy she still talks to frequently, and says they are 'just friends, and the feelings were gone' (keep in mind less than 2 months earlier, she was coming to me out of despair for the feelings she had for him). I turned from having strong feelings for her, to becoming this paranoid detective, stalking her facebook posts, friends, etc. My whole perception was blown.

Add to this the fact that most of her ex's were alpha male types, all over 6' tall, some 6'3, etc, and she is only 5'1. I am 5'9, so immediately I feel inadequate.

I was conflicted with feelings of love and hate for this girl, and it became too much to deal with. I started questioning every move she made, every friend she had, all her past life details, and she was overwhelmed. I became increasingly jealous and controlling, and it soon turned to anger.

She made an innocent facebook post about how she was 'looking forward to Phillip Phillips' new album' and ended that with a wink. It might sound ridiculous, but I felt that the wink represented her feelings of not only liking his music, but also liking his looks. I was in a bad mood the whole day, giving her somewhat of an attitude, and then I see the post. My mind starts to think she is doing it on purpose, baiting me

I started in with my anger, asking her why she has to act like a sl-ut, why she doesn't show me respect, why she has to keep all these ex guys in her life, etc. She was offended. We seemed to patch things up and agree to work through this, but then she relented and said that she couldn't handle my jealousy, which had been going on all week.

Now, this is where I really lose it. I seem to be the first guy she is so easily ready to let go of. She forgave me and then changed her mind. Also, I felt I was digging deep into her life for the wrong reasons, not even because I cared about her so much. I felt I never really liked her, and strictly was with her for the sex, which was amazing. The more I think, the more I saw her as not girlfriend material, slutty, and that I should have been the one to call it quits. Instead I go off into these rants and arguments with her that I know will not do any good, and that I know I will not win. I feel like I'm purposely driving myself into these awful situations and almost watching myself do stupid things, knowing I'm not handling myself the right way.

I blasted her with maybe 20 nasty text messages, one after the other. I was calling her maybe 30-40 times in a row, just screaming my head off about what a dirty disgusting ***** she was.

This isn't the first time I've lost my cool. I was with a girl for 3 years, and at the end of our relationship we had become distant, tired of each other, yet when she broke up with me (I am also one to never be able to let go, abandonment issues, etc) I was unable to deal with it. I did the same thing with the nasty messages and texts, and I even keyed her car, and posted nude pictures of her online. I was later given a restraining order which is still in place.

The psychotic angry rampages never work for me, they only make me more upset. Perhaps in the moment the release is gratifying, but later I feel guilty, childish, and completely ridiculous. I wish I could be a better man, who can walk away, and stay positive, and always treat people with respect even if I don't get it in return, simply just to preserve a healthy image of myself.

I am weak, I can't let go in relationships, ever. Even with women I don't even like and know that I am wrong for. I can't control my jealousy and anger. I have never hit a woman. And since that one incident with the RO, my anger goes only as far as verbal. still, the anger, the jealousy, the lack of control, my inability to direct my own life and make good decisions, my inability to know when to fold a bad hand, it leaves me so drained with crippling depression.

If anyone has any thoughts I'd love to hear them. Thanks.

Last edited by diggdoug; 08-04-2012 at 06:31 PM.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to diggdoug:
Phoenix (08-04-2012)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-04-2012, 08:50 PM   #2
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: anger towards women i date

You have to be there for you.
Others will disappoint because we place assumptions on them.
No person is perfect but we have to learn that perfection's overrated.

Respectfully
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 08-06-2012, 06:38 PM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: texas
Posts: 17
melinasw HB Usermelinasw HB User
Re: anger towards women i date

I was in a relationship with a man, my son's father for 8 years who had a problem very similar to yours. I am now 26 and so is he. I dont remember when our first out of control argument came about but i do remember that whenever he would get angry during our later years he would call me names that were totally insane such as "disgusting filthy cu*t, go get f*cked sl*t," etc. and then he went on to proclaimed that my vagina was horrifically stretched out beyond all recognition from having multiple penises in it at the same time. (and no, my vag it perfect lol) the differrence between him and you, is that you realize after the fact that you have a problem and your looking to fix it or find a way to contol it. You see... you have to understand that any woman you meet that you dont morally agree with from the start will make you question her. The reason you question her is because her behaviors are questionable. it IS in fact questionable to be 29 and the longest relationship she has had have been only a few months. And if she said her number was low, she must be lying.
so maybe you should try meeting a girl in church, or at the gym...I m not being sarcastic. I'm not religious at all...I'm 100% serious...you would freak on me too im sure because i am guilty of the same things as your last woman. If you want a girl to respect you, shes going to have to respect herself and your going to have to respect her too. A girl who fears god may be a little more cautious before doing random dudes at a bar. Now, you've been picking the wrong women. But what about these outbursts where you feel so panicked and frantic that you say terrible things you end up regretting?
Well, you may have to find out what your triggers are and try to catch yourself having that gut feeling before it turns into something further hurtful. and since "sleeping on it" isnt going to work... you may have to go out and do something that makes you feel good. tell yourself, "f*ck her" for the time being and go do something with a male friend. In fact, talking to a male friend about it may be VERY helpful.

I really think it has everything to do with recognizing yourself in that instant moment of panick...when you first feel that deceit has taken place and you feel that 'edge'...just say...."f*ck her" and go out.
After my ex and i broke up for good several months ago i found myself wanting to look at his facebook page because i knew he was looking at mine...(i knew because if any man posted on my wall i would get text messages accusing me of having sex with him and accusing me of cheating, and i truly believe he wanted to believe i was cheating to justify the names he called me) I turned my facebook page off... I just let it go. and i started taking time away from my phone to do other things. if i felt panicked because i knew he was talking to another girl while simulatneously calling me a hooker while i was the one taking care of the kid and working 2 jobs, and if i wanted to tell him how stupid he was etc... and to call him repeatedly to prove to myself that he was seeing someone else and not answering the phone because of it. i would simply turn my phone off and go visit a girlfriend and if i had no one to visit i would take the kid on a walk and tell myself "melina, it doesnt matter what hes doing and how much of a hypocrite he is being... just keep your focus and remember why you need to stay in control"
The reason you lose control is because you feel like you have already lost and it doesnt matter anymore and it just spirals out of control even more and maybe you secretly hope that she will soothe you, and apologize for her mistakes and tell you to take control and maybe she will care for you in your darkest hour. and in your mind maybe you are conflicted because you know that this approach will not work and you are screwing yourself even more and making yourself look childish and truthfully there is this scared hurt little boy inside of you that you try to ignore who is pleading with you begging for someone to love him and you cant control him so he comes out and lashes out at this girl instead of you because he knows you wont love him back .

and yes I know that sounds crazy. BUt trust me that if a direct approach, "I am angry i must fix myself" does not work it is helpful to identify that part of yourself that is harming you with a part of yourself you have ignored. Now, I know nothing about your childhood, but i know about mine. and In my childhood i was always afraid. (my mother was over the top religous but also fun and beautiful and outdoorsy and pretty much perfect from the outside looking in) I was afraid she would die because she took too many pills, afraid jesus would come back, afraid i would go to hell if i had sexual thoughts, afraid i would be grounded if i broke the rules, afraid i would get fat if i ate. and everything i feared came true. except jesus did not come back. my mother died when I was 15... i began strict dieting and bulimia and later in life after my ex and i had broken up the first time between yr 3 and year 5... I began using men like drugs to soothe myself to tell me im beautiful and worthy and special and i was so jealous of everyone who had someone close. a spouse or a mother to shop with or share with who remembered them from birth and loved them unconditionally, and likewise when i wasnt keeping men on plates spinning over my head i was binging and purging uncontrollably. untill i had a breaking point one day after a massive binge that almost ruptured my insides and i got a therapist. and she helped me to associate these panicked feelings i would get while wondering who would text me next or not text me (as i was very afraid of rejection) or wondering where my next meal was and how i could just look like im eating it and feel like im eating it but not really doing so...these panicked moments.. the moments right before you fall into a complex that is mentally insane and you know you will regret later. she helped me identify these moments, step outside myself and see those feelings as not something "I" am feeling but something "a sad little girl" was doing to me to get me to recognize her... and when i would have these moments i would say to myself..."its ok, little girl, i love you and i will keep you safe from harm, you are loved" and it would soothe me.

you may be thinking...what the eff does this have to do with me?
like i said, maybe your little inner child is sad and hurt and feeling helpless and wants to be loved so badly that it freaks out and has a tantrum whenever it feels it is being denied or lied to. maybe you need to show your inner child some love from yourself so that you/he do not seek out other sources to love him and when those sources fail he feels like he has failed and hopelessness/not giving a crap remains.

or maybe anger is your drug. MAYBE YOU WOULD RATHER FEEL ANGER THAN FEEL FAILURE. This is very likely.
Regardless, you deserve love just like everyone else. You deserve to treat yourself right and to represent yourself right. and its okay to feel failure... the regret after the anger is just as aweful as the initial acceptance of failure.
keep being mindful and you will find heathy ways to deal with your anger.
best of wishes to you.

 
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to melinasw For This Useful Post:
diggdoug (08-06-2012), HaliGal (08-09-2012)
Old 08-06-2012, 11:15 PM   #4
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
diggdoug HB User
Re: anger towards women i date

I am thankful for the responses. After taking some time away, I have realized a few things...

I am a sensitive, shy, introspective kind of person, and I felt completely out of place with her, because she was into the alpha male type, pretty much opposite of me. She was never used to dealing with an emotional guy like me because I guess the guys never took her all that serious, or even asked her about her at all. In a way I think she wanted me to behave more like them, yet she was insisting on being taken seriously in a relationship.

I feel she wanted 'a boyfriend' more than she actually wanted me, and that she didn't even want a boyfriend, she wanted me to take her seriously as to not use her for sex or feel like a FWB, yet she wanted to act the same way she did when she was single while in a relationship. She basically wanted to have her cake and eat it too.

She's only been sexually active since 24 or 25, or so she says. She's Asian and not originally from the US where I am from, so I suppose she was raised differently from most girls who are sexually active earlier in life. Considering she says that she's only been with a low number of men (for short term things) scattered over a 5-6 year period, I also find it hard to believe. She's been painfully honest with me about most things, so I don't think she's lying about this, yet I feel ALL girls never reveal themselves completely to their partners, so who knows? I was more concerned with her behavior.

I am more comfortable with girls who are into relationships and I don't need them to be 'saints' per say, but just not so reckless and low on self esteem that they have to sleep with men right away. She was a sweet girl, and that's how I saw her, but after she told me those things about her- it was obvious she had very low self image, and very masochistic.

Perhaps if it was a phase instead of what seemed to be a pattern, I would have felt comfortable. Maybe if she had at least one relationship that lasted more than a handful of months, I would have felt better also. In a way I felt like the only guy that was taking her serious and being nice, and she was not into it. Some girls just like assholes, they like to be the one chasing as some delusional romantic thing. I suppose that was exactly what was happening to me, I was chasing her to feel a certain way that I knew would probably never work, and it was exciting in some way.

There was one guy in particular, the guy who I mentioned she had a crush on that somewhat drove her into my arms- It was obvious to me that the guy did not consider her important in her life. He wasn't calling her, or messaging her, it was all- her reaching out to him. She was HIS friend. She placed him as such an important person in her life as a friend, yet he did not feel that way about her, in the slightest. She knew it bothered me to see her contacting him, yet she did it anyway, which made me believe that either

1)she was going to do whatever she wanted to do, and did not like me trying to change her
2)she still had feelings for the guy

Either way, knowing the dynamic of the friendship, how he placed little importance with her, I didn't see why she felt he was so important to her- Enough to put our relationship in harms way, just to reach out to some guy who practically didn't know she existed. it was a slap in the face to constantly see this. She would completely disregard my feelings to talk to some guy who didn't care about her.

Relationships include compromise and some sacrifices. me asking her not to talk to this guy, or at least not be the one constantly reaching out to him, I did not feel was an outlandish request. Perhaps if he was the one to be posting to her, and her replying to it, I would have felt differently. Perhaps if I had no idea of how she once felt about him, or how she had a crush on him up until the day we met, it would be different. She did not want to see my point on this, she insisted that the feelings were gone, they were only friends, and that it was no big deal. I still do not understand why this guy is so important in her life.

If I knew she had issues with me talking to some girl that I wasn't even close friends with, a girl that pretty much didn't care about me, I would not do it, bottom line. That is, if I valued her in my life. Am I wrong to feel like I was being disrespected here? Seriously, how would some of you feel in that situation?

At the end of the day, I've learned not to stay in relationships that are not working. As hard as it is to let go for me, I have to learn how to 'fold a losing hand.' I should have either accepted her or walked away, instead of lashing out at her. We obviously were cut from different cloths, sometimes you can make that work, most of the time, not. I was feeling very depressed, but today I feel better. It was far from a heartbreak, more of a bruised ego. She obviously had many issues that made her a certain kind of person I was not compatible with.

As far as my 'inner child' it wasn't so much about seeking love, rather respect. I am confident in who I am, but sometimes people can throw you away from youself. I just want a girl who is honest, direct and knows what she wants. When a girl is with me for the wrong reasons, or says one thing but does another, it is torturous. She was not being honest with me in some capacity, and if she was it wouldn't have been such a bad situation. Had she been seriously ready for a relationship, it might have worked. If she told me she didn't want something so serious, it would have worked. She can't tell me she wants 100% from me and give me 20% of her. Geez, I feel like a woman writing this stuff. Sometimes even girls you know you don't care for can have you acting as if you do, simply because it is a challenging situation. I felt taken advantage of, I suppose, and that led to anger.

Last edited by diggdoug; 08-06-2012 at 11:39 PM.

 
Old 08-07-2012, 04:34 PM   #5
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: anger towards women i date

Quote:
Originally Posted by diggdoug View Post

As far as my 'inner child' it wasn't so much about seeking love, rather respect. I am confident in who I am, but sometimes people can throw you away from youself. I just want a girl who is honest, direct and knows what she wants. When a girl is with me for the wrong reasons, or says one thing but does another, it is torturous. She was not being honest with me in some capacity, and if she was it wouldn't have been such a bad situation. Had she been seriously ready for a relationship, it might have worked. If she told me she didn't want something so serious, it would have worked. She can't tell me she wants 100% from me and give me 20% of her. Geez, I feel like a woman writing this stuff. Sometimes even girls you know you don't care for can have you acting as if you do, simply because it is a challenging situation. I felt taken advantage of, I suppose, and that led to anger.
So you've gotten in touch with your inner child and yet didn't act irresponsibly?

That's a good thing but realize that this child needs to be nurtured,protected and assured that each step moving forward will neither be in the dark or covered with potholes.

Respectfully
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 08-07-2012, 04:44 PM   #6
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
diggdoug HB User
Re: anger towards women i date

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix View Post
So you've gotten in touch with your inner child and yet didn't act irresponsibly?

That's a good thing but realize that this child needs to be nurtured,protected and assured that each step moving forward will neither be in the dark or covered with potholes.

Respectfully
Phoenix
I'm sort of confused by your choice of words, I was saying in this instance it was more about respect from her than love that I needed. at least that's what drove me to being angry. I realized that we didn't love each other and probably never would, yet we seemed to be carrying on this charade of a fake relationship that was prompted by her. I felt manipulated and slighted. The fact is that the steps we were moving forward with were covered with potholes, yet I was unable to detach myself from the bad thing.

Funny thing about my anger is how much I feel like a different person in the moment. Once the confusion dies down, I always know exactly what I should have done. Sometimes I am unable to walk away and asses the situation before I react, and I'm sure a lot of people with anger issues might feel the same way. Or some of you may feel like you can get trapped in bad relationships, and end up self destructing. I always learn my lesson after the fact, but continue to make the same mistakes. I suppose if/when I do meet the right match, the anger won't come into play. It's most definitely anger with myself more than anyone else, anyway.

 
Old 08-10-2012, 09:35 AM   #7
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: anger towards women i date

Quote:
Originally Posted by diggdoug View Post
I seem to be stuck in a pattern where I constantly lash out at women I am dating. I'll start with my most recent relationship, which ended today.


I was conflicted with feelings of love and hate for this girl, and it became too much to deal with. I became increasingly jealous and controlling, and it soon turned to anger.


This isn't the first time I've lost my cool. I was with a girl for 3 years, and at the end of our relationship we had become distant, tired of each other, yet when she broke up with me (I am also one to never be able to let go, abandonment issues, etc) I was unable to deal with it. I did the same thing with the nasty messages and texts, and I even keyed her car, and posted nude pictures of her online. I was later given a restraining order which is still in place.

Perhaps in the moment the release is gratifying, but later I feel guilty, childish, and completely ridiculous. I wish I could be a better man, who can walk away, and stay positive, and always treat people with respect even if I don't get it in return, simply just to preserve a healthy image of myself.
Hello diggdoug

I see what you mean....sorry for not adding more clarity.

I tend to see anger issues in adulthood to be similar to those of childhood.
You admitted to feeling childish and ridiculous at times and I believe it stems from an inability to control your emotions.

Have you ever thought of attending anger management classes(just a thought) or cognitive therapy,as you have admitted to also having abandonment issues.

I have anger issues and when I look to that "inner child" of mine, I notice that there are times he wants to wreak havoc and other times is so frightened,that he acts defensive(at times).

Alas,this isn't about me but you and please don't come away feeling that i'm judging or trying to analyze you.

I'm just pointing out a few things,which could possibly be looked at.
You want a better quality of life and I would like for you to get what you need.

Dealing with feelings and emotions isn't just something that girls or women experience.
There are sensitive men out there.
I know this because i'm one of them.

Sorry for any misunderstanding.

Respectfully
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Extreme Anger, Need Help. iHusk Anger Management 12 07-18-2012 07:10 AM
My boyfriend may have an anger problem yellow464 Relationship Health 3 10-04-2011 07:12 AM
i need advise about anger managment. rkkj Anger Management 2 03-23-2009 08:37 PM
I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to! tizzy76 Anger Management 35 02-16-2008 08:18 AM
Husband with anger problem-question meghan5507 Anger Management 22 09-13-2007 07:14 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Celexa
Effexor
Lexapro
Lithium
Paxil
  Prozac
Risperdal Valium
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Administrator (12), Seraph (11), rosequartz (6), ciqala (4), Phoenix (3), janewhite1 (2), melinasw (2), MMWMMW (2), ladybud (2), swf (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1004), Apollo123 (904), Titchou (847), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (754), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (668), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:49 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!