Re: Angry, Bitter, and Resentful
So my brother got a dog. Yup, you read that right. I was getting ready for work Wednesday morning when my oldest friend texted me, "No your brother did not?" I was afraid to go online to see. There is a picture of an adorable dog. Instant fury raged through me. Midmorning, he sends me a picture of the dog, with the caption, "Hi Aunt J!" I didn't tell him I was mad b/c he can do whatever he wants. I said the dog was cute and asked what he named him. EVERTYHING ALWAYS ABOUT HIM!!!
I went about my day and didn't have anymore contact. My mom sends me a text, asking me over for dinner. I said I wasn't up to it and had things to do. She says my brother wants me to meet the new kid on the block. How is she not mad that she's already taking care of 2 of his other dogs??? Oh wait, I know...she never says anything. As this is happening, I feel my anger come right back up, like a volcano. I keep telling myself I can't control them; it's their decision how they act, etc. That I have to do for me and separate myself when I don't want to be there. At the same time, I feel so sad. Like I'm finding out my family is a scam.
The next day, he sends me a message, asking if I'm mad that he got a dog b/c I've been very short and have shown no interest. I responded that I have things going on myself. I will eventually meet the dog. He asks what I have going on. I tell him I'm very overwhelmed at work and have been down and in a funk. I proceed to share that I'm having difficulties finding out that an ex is dating someone (eventhough I know I made the best decision to end it) and that it's hard meeting people. NO RESPONSE!!! I wasn't shocked at all! I knew he wouldn't respond. It's just amazing how he doesn't see that I'm supposed to go running in his direction, yet doesn't even acknowledge my feelings.
I was speaking with my mom that afternoon, as I was driving to therapy. It ended in an argument b/c I told her what happened (I shouldn't have). She said that he kept saying over and over how he wasn't trying to replace his other dogs. I told her she was out of her mind and that she thinks her son walks on water. But I started crying and said it's more that he has no clue how to think about other people besides himself. I know at that moment it was me lashing out, throwing blame her way. I can't help it. I told her that this is the amazing relationship I have with my brother. Dead air ended the conversation. I haven't spoken to her since. She texted me she loves me but I haven't seen or actually spoken to her.
I'm so mad and hurt. I feel so sad and angry. I feel so incredibly alone. I've cried most of the weekend. I feel that I'm just supposed to accept them as they are and deal with this all on my own. They have to do nothing and it's all their fault. Just when I think I may be getting passed the anger, it resurfaces. As I've said before, I feel myself crawling deeper within myself. It's not good. Everything all at once. Finding out my ex is dating someone. Again, I made the best decision to break it off, but feel I'm getting no where. I'm on a dating website, trying to open myself to new possibilities. Was emailing this guy. Exchanged numbers. Told me he'd call me the other day, never did. Trying to be proactive, I texted him yesterday. He said he'd call, never did. And my family drama on top of it all, I've had enough. My trust and faith in people is shot. I just want to cry and scream!