My girlfriend of five years and I love each other so much, but my anger is getting in the way. We're taking a break after the last time I mouthed off to her. I called her awful names, like *****, ****, and ****, and I'm just so disgusted with myself. She sees so much in me and I repeatedly add on to her, already bad, anxiety problems. It makes me break down in tears just thinking about the way I treat her sometimes. This doesn't happen often, but it's happened more than enough. The first time, she was gone and I destroyed the bedroom. I punched and kicked holes in the walls and threw furniture. Then came the mouth. Another problem I have is when I'm mad, I can't stop calling her. I want her to help me so much but all I do is lash out. Lately I've been trying to get in to school, I finally took the initiative and actually went on a tour, but when I think about it the amount of money (that I don't have), and the seemingly impossible amount of work makes it feel completely hopeless, and when I told her today how "I'll never be able to do it" and how "I'm just not good enough" she threw down the gauntlet and told me she didn't want to talk to me and how she was hanging out with her friend, I got anngry at her for not wanting to "deal with me" and I just kept calling, and calling, even going so far as calling her friend and leaving a message saying i was coming over to talk to her (my gf) when she turned off the phone. In hindsight I completely understand, I just feel so alienated without her. I have no friends to talk to and that's why I've come here. I need something, advice, i don't know what, just anything.
Re: I need help. I'm ruining everything and for what?
I feel I know how you feel, I am 53 and I have lost a couple of girlfriends the way you described. My advice is:
I know your loss is traumatic over your girlfriend, however, the hurt you feel is related to a deeper issue/loss in your life that must be addressed in order for you to overcome your anger issues.
The worst thing you could do will be chase your girlfriend, this will only push her away and make you less attractive. Give her time, if she returns then she is the 'right one'. What I mean that; is that she is the right person with the good emotional makeup that could help you overcome your anger. If she doesn't return then you will have to accept that your breakup was inevitable.
Focus all your energy you can muster (you must overcome falling into a depression) in letting her go and working on yourself. (I did this with a women who took me to court because of my temper, two years later she begged to return to me!)
There are many books, techniques, online courses, and classes that could help you. Commit to work on yourself everyday - even if it is for just 10 mins.
Keep up the daily anger prevention routine and remember every anger episodes cheats you out of the fun and happinness that is around us.