HotNicks

Well, I really don't know what to say, except that for those of you that are hear to listen, this is my story.

I've been full of anxiety all of my life. I never really thought about it until now, but I know it's always been like this. When I was a kid I worried about EVERYTHING. Dying, my parents dying, my house starting on fire, just about everything. Most often it hits me right before I go to bed, because that's when I think the most. Anyways, I was always worried as a kid, and growing up, I never really realized how much it affected me. When I got into high school, I had alot going on in my life. Late in grade 9, we had bomb threats, blah blah, a whole bunch of stuff going on, which piled up on me. Not to mention, I found out that recently my uncle was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I mean I'm not even related to him through blood, but this still freaked me out.

From there I went into my "looking up symptoms" phase, which I still do to this day. I found out that seizures can be a symptom of brain tumors. Suddenly I started FREAKING out, because seizures have been something I have been paranoid about ever since I witnessed one in grade 8. All the sudden it became like "what if this happend to me?". From there, I started into my heavy period of derealization. I didn't feel like myself, I didn't feel like I knew who "myself" was, and I just felt generally depressed. Luckily I've had my mom to talk to, because she also suffers from an anxiety disorder (which is where I get it from) and she helped me through that alot.

So I got through that, and was fine throughout high school, despite the continuous constant worrying. But with my anxiety, it's like it's always there, but when it really hits me, it REALLY hits me. I was fine for the most part, up until this year. I'm 18 years old, 19 in 2 months, and in my fifth year of high school. I was alright since grade 9, and all of the sudden, grade 13 BANG, another episode. This summer is when it started I guess. I found out that my boss had been having seizures, and that he had some sort of brain tumor or something. Of COURSE that springs something in my mind from previous experiences, however, it didn't hit me right then. I was so involved in my work, and so on, that it didn't have a chance to catch up to me.

Then, winter rolls around, and I started freaking out about getting the flu for no reason. Just basically because I HATE getting the flu, so i was all paranoid about it. So that overwhelms me, I start feeling weird again all of the sudden. That fades, then I start noticing I'm biting my cheek every now and then. I remember that I read somewhere when people have seizures they can bite their cheeks. BOOM. Brain tumor, Seizures, EVERYTHING thrown back on me. It all crashes down on me at once! All of the sudden I get this weird feeling in my head. Like a heavy, tightening feeling, and I start worrying about that. I tell my mom, she tells me it's anxiety. I let it go for about 4 weeks, and finally I decide to see my doctor. Doc says anxiety, and prescribes me Zoloft, which my mom has been on for a while now and it works great for her. Says he wants to see me again in 4 weeks.

Over these 4 weeks, I'm still worrying about every little thing. Deja Vu was my main concern for a while, because once again I started researching symptoms and read that deja vu can be a symptom of some sort of simple partial seizure. That freaked me out for a while until I convinced myself that deja vu was normal, and also I found something on the net that said deja vu is a memory dysfunction, and memory dysfunction can be affected by anxiety to a certain degree. So that didn't worry me as much, but I still had these feelings in my head. Feelings that I can't explain. Pulsing, tightening, heaviness, all day, every day and they just won't go away.

I go back to the doc after 4 weeks. I tell him I'm feeling better mentally, but this feeling is still there. He checks my blood pressure, eyes, reflexes, everything fine. If something was wrong in my head, like a tumor he would be able to figure it out. I believe him when he teels me because I've read up on the stuff. If I had a tumor, or something like that, by the time it would get big enough to cause enough intercranial pressure to have a headache, I would be experiencing other symptoms. I would miss a reflex, my eyes wouldn't follow correctly, or some of the MANY other symptoms of a brain tumor. Tells me he wants to keep me on Zoloft, and he'll see me in a month.

So here's where I am now. Feeling better mentally, somewhat, however I still have this physical feeling in my head. It's holding me back completely, and I despise it. Like I said, there's no way of describing it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't feel like I can do the things I always used to do, I don't feel like i can be my normal self again. I'm sorry I've written so much, and I could go on for HOURS, believe me, but I'm extremely tired right now and should get to bed. I just had to get alot of stuff out and I know all of you are very helpful. Thank you to all of you who have read this far, and thank you to anyone who replies to this, I appreciate it.