Re: Loving someone with anxiety...
Yes, I think it's appropriate for him to let you go.
But, in saying that, it sounds as though he's got depression/anxiety...depression happening as the antidote for his anxiety. I have it as well, and I've dealt with it through therapy along with my other "issues". I'm married and at that time as well...and distancing myself from my husband wasn't necessary, but I did isolate from family and friends. So, in effect your boyfriend has done the same thing.
It really is easier, for you don't have to fulfull anyone else's needs, and without you admitting...you definitely would have them.
Is he on any medication? I started Effexor XR, only a low dosage (37.5 and then up to 75 for a year and a half and now down at 37.5. I'll go off it in the Fall)and it definitely lifted me out of my depression. But, I had already dealt with so much through therapy by then that I was able to utilise what I'd learned.
Your boyfriend's fears of success/failure are very common. He's afraid to take the risks that can gain him happiness. I did/do on occasion the same. As simple as that sounds, it's very difficult to break and get out of it.
Does he have a chosen profession? Has something happened to him lately that he has just given up on trying? Does he feel hopeless and believes that no one can help him?
Dr Phil has a great book out called Self Matters. It even has a workbook and it may be helpful for your friend to gain some insight as to how it came to be that he's feeling that he doesn't want to try living to his potential.
Sometimes we who have depression/anxiety look at life as all or nothing. Either we succeed or fail...nothing in between. There's a start and finish...not the work and struggles in between. Is this where he fits in?
His perspective on how he views life is definitely skewed. He may have goals so high that he will never attain them for he sees nothing that he's already done as being successful. Responses like, well I did that but it wasn't how I wanted to do it...or it wasn't blah, blah.
You have a few choices here. You can write him a card and say something to the effect that you would like to go through this with him as a friend because you believe in him. You have no expectations from him, and if things are good with him, you both can talk about it at a much later date to see if you can continue as friends or resume a romantic relationship.
You can say something to the effect that you understand his needs at this time and that the break-up is difficult but accepted and you wish him the best in his life.
In any event, I understand where he's coming from...but being in a delicate state of making the decision to deal with oneself is overwhelming (remember that it's difficult to become introspective and have one's behaviour changed).
It's all a matter of perspective!
Last edited by quincy; 07-20-2004 at 08:33 PM.