Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
A very very long post.
Alright, so my dentist, gp, psychiatist, friends and profs all tell me I am suffereing from stress. I grind my teeth, my entire left side of my mouth has realigned itself (dentist today). The gp and my psychiatrist think I am having anxiety attacks (meanwhile I know I am not, an intake of orange juice and sugar DOES NOT make an anxiety attack go away!!! but currently my sugar levels are being tested, etc). The last year's run down invloved the following events:
Jan 2003, decide to finally go back to university, prove to myself I am can do it. Was sick alot, finally got my hypothyroidism under control after 13 years. Feb/03 discover my neck is very swollen, request another FNA on my thyroid nodule that has always come up benign. Then have to decide whether I want to get a partial of my thyroid removed or not. The only person that thinks I should is me.
Mar: Dentist wants me to have wisdom teeth removed, 5 cavitities filled. Can't because of the oncmoing possible surgery. (later problem gets worse, back to square one as of today)
June: optomitrist wants tests done, concerned about a possible growth behind eye (warned of cancer)
Aug 4: My dog of 16 years runs away to never return. I miss her so much, cry often about it. Aug 5: Partial ********ctomy. 3 1/2 weeks of an infected incision, bronchitis. Sept: move in with sister and her bf, see eye specialist, had tests done, never heard results.
Sept 30: call from doctor: thyroid cancer.
October: sister blew up at me, told me I should get every disease in the world so I can have even more attention. Lived with her for another 2 1/2 months, everytime she was around, I would get extremely nervous, shakey, sweaty. Another decision to have the rest of my thyroid removed now or wait until April (after school's out). Oncologist didn't seem to understand my medical history, so it was very confusing. My mom did not want me to have it out, my dad insisted I did (dad never seemed to concern himself on things like this before, I love him more for it). I left in the middle of the night one week so I wouldn't have to deal with my sister and drove three hours to stay with friends for a while. My mom and sister got mad because I left a note that said "I hate how you treat me".
November: decide surgery after finals in dec, plan to drop out of school next semester and move back to parents hometown. had laryngitis, measles, and the flu the same week, all at the same time. Dropped out of one class because I was so sick and couldn't write the final exam.
Dec: my birthday, I recieved a phone call. my 17 year old brother was getting picked on so bad at school by one of my former staff, the underwear was literally ripped out of his shorts from a wedgie. Fight with sister, planned to move out that night. Two days later the bro's rabbits both died. Crying, holding a dead rabbit under each arm, he said "now I have no more pets." the thought brings tears to my eyes. Surgery was going to be on the 17th. Was too sick with flu and bronchitis. Postponed. Xmas with family: stayed in room almost whole time because of sister being around. Saw a psychiatrist, dx'd with biolar, no meds since I am trying to straight out thyroid stuff.
Jan/04: 7th- surgery. great surgery, asked my parents not to let the sister in the room (didn't want the extra anxity), we didn't talk the whole day because they thought I was being unreasonable.
Feb: was told I was getting .01 below the dosage that would have isolated me in the hospital during treatments, now I have to stay home and not be near anyone for three days. Mom announced the whole family was going up (treatments were two hours away). I thought that was odd, until I asked why and she excited exclaimed "well to go shopping!". Of course this upset me since it was the cancer treatment that I felt they were jipping me on because they didn't have the proper medical resources to do it the right way. At this point, I had been off meds for a month (extreme hypothyroid, extreme touchy and irritable, etc). Stayed with friends for a week prior, they took such good care of me. Started work two days after treatment, managed a restaurant. (probably illegal now that I think about it thinking of the radioactive body I had).
March: I was given a week to decide whether I want the job for a few years (pay raise), or if I was leaving in August again for school. My thyroid levels were still too high to read, should be around 1. they were past 100. Anything above 3 is bad. Decided yes, I will stay. A month later I changed my mind.
April: wrote two papers and a final that I never got finished from the semester before, only 2 % away from being on deans list!!!
May: started my work out again. Felt much better. Thyroid levels still high.
June: stopped going to gym alone (private, no one was around) because I had an "attack". This is how they are: I feel dizzy, lightheaded, disorientated. I have passed out, I lose hearing, vision, start shaking/convulsing, crying, orange juice and sugar get me through it. Doctor prescribed ativan, then a week later said I shouldn't take it. Have had 1-2 attacks a week since. No trigger, sometimes there is a not-right feeling just before, other times there isn't. Not allowed to drive long distances any longer, no gym, no solo trips to my cabin (I live for these). At work its a pain as we are busy and I don't have time for them to happen there.
I don't have a boyfriend. Most of my friends work opposite shifts as I do and I rarely seem them. Many don't live here. The gp thinks I need to go talk to him every month or so and let it out. I don't feel I have stress. lol...but even I know its pretty obvious I do. I am moving again in another month, to go to school or to work (haven't quite decided, can't go to school second semester as I will be off meds for three weeks for cancer scane and I don't remember my name let alone real things during that time). Everytime something happens, my mom repeats "other people in the world have it worse then you". Not ONCE have I pitied myself. NOT ONE FRIGGIN TIME have I said why me etc etc. My nickname is Pollyanna (for those that don't know, a fictional optimistic do-gooder from long ago days). My dad's advice is to be a little pessimistic. My dentist says to take a two week vacation. My mom thinks I need to keep pressing on doctors for info regarding the attacks. I am 22. I just don't care! I want to be free of people insisting all these things upon me. I want to be free of disease, decisions, and mean family members for a while. Yes, we all have problems, and I can definitly handle mine. Or can I?
I need advice. I don't need someone to tell me to get tests done, I AM WORKING ON IT. I don't want even more possible names to my health problems. I don't want reassurance, I want real physical ideas that will help me. For the first time in a long time, I just want to give up. I want to scream at my family, I want to quit my job in a huff and cause a memorable scene. I want people to see I am not perfect and strong and that I finally had a breakdown. They friggin pity me so much and its always about my health. It used to be about the things I made, the crazy things I did that day, my future plans that change once a month.
I am just so tired of looking for answers.