My world is collapsing around me
I'm so depressed and sad. I've been having anxiety and panic for a few years now, generally can handle it but go through some really bad times where I am convinced I am dying, or have a terrible disease. I want to do CBT but everytime I try, something happens to me and I feel like I have to wait and make sure I'm not dying until I start CBT. Its a viscious cirle really.
I've been having a really stressful time at work, I've taken on a new position which I love, but it means longer hours, and it's extrememly challenging. I think I'm doing OK but its such a struggle sometimes to concentrate with this anxiety.
What is making everything worse, is that my b/f has taken on a business and been going over 1 year now, but it means we have 0 money. His expense are so high, and its been hard for him to get work, so I've been using all my money to support us, pay our bills. I get paid monthly, and the next day after pay day all my money is gone. Now I do believe that you are there to support your partner, and I would never say no, but it's just making life very difficult and putting a lot of strain on our relationship too. I come home from a 10 hour stressful day to countless bills and final notices and threats to take us to court etc. I have to handle all our expenses and bills as well. So I get tired and stressed.
I've been with my b/f for 11 years and love him very much, but we've been fighting so much. He used to be supportive to me, and was such a rock when I had anxiety attacks. Now, his attitude has completely turned around and he doesn't want to know about it. He has an opinion that I am feeding it by coming to this board, and also drinking red wine. I don't drink everynight, I do enjoy a few glasses over the weekend, and yes, if I overindulge my anxiety levels go spastic. I work for a wine company and we all enjoy having a drink with friends etc. Having a couple of glasses on a friday night isn't a terrible thing I'm doing surely. It relaxes me after work, so long as I don't have too much. Well, we've had another fight. My anxiety levels have been awful this week, and I feel like I've got such a weight on my shoulders. And to make thinks worse, I can no longer look to my partner for support. I don't know what to do. He's gone out for the day, and said he's sick of this relationship and is ready to leave. I don't want to lose him.
the other problem is I have no sex drive. I know its anxiety, but this really affects him badly. But I can't help thinking if he just put his arms around me and didn't crack it at me, then perhaps things would be different. Now we probably have sex maybe once a week, to him this is not good enough.
I just needed to write all this down, thanks for reading. I just can't cope with everything anymore.