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Old 08-27-2004, 03:59 PM   #1
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Jordie HB User
My world is collapsing around me

I'm so depressed and sad. I've been having anxiety and panic for a few years now, generally can handle it but go through some really bad times where I am convinced I am dying, or have a terrible disease. I want to do CBT but everytime I try, something happens to me and I feel like I have to wait and make sure I'm not dying until I start CBT. Its a viscious cirle really.
I've been having a really stressful time at work, I've taken on a new position which I love, but it means longer hours, and it's extrememly challenging. I think I'm doing OK but its such a struggle sometimes to concentrate with this anxiety.
What is making everything worse, is that my b/f has taken on a business and been going over 1 year now, but it means we have 0 money. His expense are so high, and its been hard for him to get work, so I've been using all my money to support us, pay our bills. I get paid monthly, and the next day after pay day all my money is gone. Now I do believe that you are there to support your partner, and I would never say no, but it's just making life very difficult and putting a lot of strain on our relationship too. I come home from a 10 hour stressful day to countless bills and final notices and threats to take us to court etc. I have to handle all our expenses and bills as well. So I get tired and stressed.
I've been with my b/f for 11 years and love him very much, but we've been fighting so much. He used to be supportive to me, and was such a rock when I had anxiety attacks. Now, his attitude has completely turned around and he doesn't want to know about it. He has an opinion that I am feeding it by coming to this board, and also drinking red wine. I don't drink everynight, I do enjoy a few glasses over the weekend, and yes, if I overindulge my anxiety levels go spastic. I work for a wine company and we all enjoy having a drink with friends etc. Having a couple of glasses on a friday night isn't a terrible thing I'm doing surely. It relaxes me after work, so long as I don't have too much. Well, we've had another fight. My anxiety levels have been awful this week, and I feel like I've got such a weight on my shoulders. And to make thinks worse, I can no longer look to my partner for support. I don't know what to do. He's gone out for the day, and said he's sick of this relationship and is ready to leave. I don't want to lose him.
the other problem is I have no sex drive. I know its anxiety, but this really affects him badly. But I can't help thinking if he just put his arms around me and didn't crack it at me, then perhaps things would be different. Now we probably have sex maybe once a week, to him this is not good enough.

I just needed to write all this down, thanks for reading. I just can't cope with everything anymore.

 
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Old 08-27-2004, 05:13 PM   #2
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Jchandra88 HB User
Re: My world is collapsing around me

I know about the money troubles and depression. I have one more year before I graduate and then I have to start paying back student loans. It's going to take forever and we're already low on money now. I'm sorry that your b/f no longer is supportive...it sounds like you'd better have a talk with him if you want to continue the relationship. What good is a significant other if he/she is not supportive? I had trouble getting my husband to understand my anxiety disorder..(once I had finally convinced myself it was an anxiety disorder). People without them don't understand what it's like and they never can until it finally happens to them. About your job...maybe a challenging position is not the best thing for you right now. People with anxiety disorders should go to lengths to find things that are as stressfree as possible. I also understand about the drinking as it helps to calm me down as well. It's important to be careful though because it can very easily lead to a drinking problem if that's your only way to relax.

 
Old 08-27-2004, 08:26 PM   #3
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Jordie HB User
Re: My world is collapsing around me

Hi jchandra88,
thanks for replying to me. No worries about the drinking though, I'm not addicted to it, I actually don't feel like drinking if I'm really stressed out. I only really have a drink when I feel happy enough. I certainly don't use it as a crutch so to speak.
My b/f has had anxiety before in his life, but managed to get rid of it fairly quickly. That was why he started off being supportive, and now doesn't want to know about it.
I understand that it can be hard on the partners of people with anxiety, they can sometimes feel like they're beating their heads against a brick wall. I don't expect him to 'fix it' for me, or have to constantly be there, just the odd hug, and if I'm having a panic attack, I want to be able to let him know so he could just distract me from it. That's all.
I always end up bearing all the guilt for the problems in our relationship. This is wrong but I feel like this everytime he threatens to break up. I'm like, oh no, I have to fix this, it's all my fault, of course he's unhappy etc etc etc.

 
Old 08-28-2004, 12:35 PM   #4
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Jchandra88 HB User
Re: My world is collapsing around me

Jordie,
Your requests don't sound unreasonable. Try telling him about them. I often have to remind my husband about my predicament.. Sometimes I get the feeling that he just doesn't want to know.. but if your b/f really cares about you, he'll do what he can to try and help - whether it's just being moral support or giving a hug now and then. It sounds like you're keeping too much on your own shoulders. You have to cement it into your brain that of course it's not always your fault. When the anxiety first hit me, I was an odd mixture of emotions, guilt being one of them because I felt I should be doing more to help myself and just that I should be doing more for the relationship. But no one can handle it all alone. Anyway, have a nice long talk with your b/f, and I hope he comes around...

 
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