I truly belive that anxiety has stolen my life away.I dont feel like Iam half the person I used to be.I used to have so many friends and went out so much and had a wicked social life full of people that truly were my friends.I loved to go out and have a good time,I didnt worry about a thing,I was so carefree,I didnt know the meaning of the word worry.I partied alot with all my girlfriends and drank and had fun.When I think back to those days and think about what I was thinking while I was doing all that stuff,I cant think of anything because I just did stuff,I didnt worry about it obsessively.I feel like worrying is who I have become and who I will now be.Im nineteen and I have the whole world ahead of me but all I see is the things that will go wrong.Im scared to leave me Mom home alone.All my siblings have moved on and once Iam gone,my Mom will be all alone in a house with no one to come home to (My Dad died when I was fifteen) All I can think of is her.She tells me she wants me to go and I know she does but I know she doesnt want to be alone either.I cant even go out to Dinner with people.If we all go in a group,even with my own family,I start to feel weird and dizzy and like I cant breathe and that Iam going to faint in front of everyone and that I will die right then and there.I usually have to go to the bathroom to calm myself down.Its like,yeah,I can calm myself down in those situations but Im starting to lose sight of why I even do it.I go out to dinner,spend 90% of the time saying to myself "your ok,its just anxiety,you wont faint,concentrate on something else" Then when I do go out and Im not all anxious,I will almost start to be anxious again just because I was the last time.I dont like going out because I dont want to see someone get sick when theya re drunki and have to take them to the hospital.My cousin was here and he was drinking and he threw up and he was really drunk and hes a little guy so I freaked out and ended up taking him to the hospital thinking he would die.See before,at a party,if someone was drunk I would just leave them and let them sober up,I wouldnt get totally freaked out all the time.If I have a headache,automatically I have brain cancer.If Iam dizzy,I must have bleeding in the brain.I dont want to worry about all that stuff and I try not to but its almost like I have no control over it at all.I get a racing heart beat alot and it scares me.I worry about my boyfriend and me sooo much and its stupid because none of it has any merrit but still I worry.He broke up with me before and now we are back together but I cant help but worry about everything....
I can totally relate to what you are going through. Although I don't have that much advice because I'm struggling with the same issues, I do want you to know that you're not alone. I get very discouraged, because like you, whats the point of going out and trying to have a good time when 90% of the time I'm worrying. I can also remember back to when I could go out and have a good time and not worry. I enjoyed life. My issues really started at the same age you are. I am now 25. I have been off and on meds, but I really hate taking meds so I try and conquer this on my own. The thing is, when I'm sitting at home I'm unhappy because I want to go out and have a good time and when I'm out I'm unhappy because of my anxiety. So its often a lose/lose situation for me. It is very frustrating. Sometimes its worse than other times. I try and accept the anxiety and I have educated myself alot about it. I try and focus on the good things I have in life, rather than the bad. I'm grateful I'm not physically disabled and I know that even with my anxiety, as disabling as it can be, things could be worse. I just wish I could be someone who is care-free. Not irresponsible or anything like that, but just let go and be okay with it. I'm sure you understand exactly what I am trying to say
For you, I'm sure alot of your worry stems from losing your Father at 15, and the fear of losing your Mom. Maybe you should try counseling. You may even want to try some meds and see if that helps. You have to do alot of trial and error until you find what works for you.
Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 09-17-2004 at 11:35 AM.
I can also relate to what you are going through and what you have gone through. I'm almost 19 and my anxiety disorder came on a year and a half ago. My life has totally switched upside down since this whole thing has started. I had (and still have) big dreams for my life but now they seem so out of reach and impossible because this anxiety thing is so disabling! I also know exactly how you guys feel about going out because I either kick myself and feel guilty for giving into the anxiety and staying home or I go out and suffer the whole time saying "ok you're okay, you're okay, oh my god im not ok, im freaking out, ok shhh take a deep breath it will be over soon, its okay, its okay". My number one symptom when my anxiety kicks in is that my throat tightens and i feel like im gonna gag or puke or choke so it pretty much paralyzes me and i can't talk. I've been on Zoloft now for about 6 months and it's certainly taken the edge off but my anxiety is still there. Before medication I tried so many alternative ways to help it but it was taking over my life and I couldn't barely function so I forced my mom to let me have medication so I could maybe live again. Fall quarter for school starts up on Monday and I'm praying and hoping that things will be easier than last year because I ended up dropping so many classes because I just couldnt find the strength to go to some of them. I could go ON and ON about all this but it's just nice to know that I'm not crazy and that I'm not the only one going through this. If there is a hell I know how it feels to be there and I'm sure you guys understand do. ANXIETY SUCKS! I want to be "Normal" again. You are all in my prayers
I remember feeling exactly the way you guys did. I remember it so well, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. I just want to tell you that you can get through this. I know it's possible, because I did it.
I especially remember wishing that I could go back to when I didn't think everything to death. I wanted to go back to before the anxiety when I could just go out with friends or go on a vacation or go to the grocery store without it being an ordeal. Only when I finally realized that I couldn't go back was I actually able to move forward. You can't go back. And you know what? That's for the better. Because back then you didn't realize how great you had it. You didn't realize what a gift peace of mind was. I realize now that I was living on auto-pilot before; zoning out on the t.v., hanging out with friends--I wasn't appreciating the moment, I was just going through life not thinking about anything much. And that's not how it is for me now. And that isn't how it'll be for y'all either when you get passed this (and you will). Now I do have peace of mind. I am able to go hang out with friends or go on vacation or whatever, like I used to, but now I appreciate it. That's going forward. We all want to go forward, don't we? What good is going backwards? We've already been there.
I don't know if I'm making sense to anyone. I just wanted to say this b/c I think it's a really important step in moving past this. I just wanted y'all to hear a voice from someone that has been through this and understands and HAS GOTTEN THROUGH IT! I just wanted y'all to know it can be done.
Amen to that BlessedNWays! In the past couple of months I have come to accept that I have changed and I do find that I deal with my problem easier. I also can totally relate to how much I enjoy everything so much more now and embrace life where as before I just went and did things and there was no enjoyment or feeling there. I havn't fully recovered and I am not waiting for that day when I am fully recovered, I'm just living day by day. In a way this anxiety/depression disorder thing is truly a blessing for all of us I believe (even though it feels like JUST THE OPPOSITE). I have learned more in this year and a half about myself and life than I had in my whole life before it began. I try not to take anything for granted either because I know that in a second it can be taken away.