Join Date: Jul 2004
Everyone thinks I'm a paranoid kill-joy
Hi. I just need someone to talk to. I have always had anxiety problems. I used to have a problem with OCD and still have some tendencies. I just don't currently have it as bad as I used to. It has come back on me before though, worse than ever, so who knows what is it come? Hopefully, it'll stay this under control at least though. I also have some social anxiety and I have generalized anxiety. I have also had panic attacks, though not as bad as the ones my mother and some of my other family members have had (the whole family, well almost veryone of them...has anxiety issues). I have been nauseated a lot to day and most of it I think, is due to anxiety. I also have tremors and headaches, but not sure if it's from tension. I just have problems, but I won't get into everything. Anyways, the thing is, I am not wanting to talk about general anxiety problems today, but just one thing that is irritating me right now. You see, my anxiety causes me to be paranoid about different things. One of those things is that I get paranoid about getting caught doing things sometimes. Not illegal things, but things that others wouldn't approve of (not just any others but specific people) and that would cause me to suffer some consequences. I do this even if the chances of getting caught are extremely small. I used to be afraid to curse out loud in my house even when I was alone as if someone would catch me. I had to whisper like I was afraid someone would come in the house without me hearing the door open even if they weren't expected for hours and hear me cursing or like I feared the place was bugged or something. I can't seem to enjoy doing anything for fear of getting in trouble or something. And no, I don't mean cursing because I don't find it particuarly enjoyable. I was just using it to give an example of my paranoia. I am not a prude, but I behave prudishly at times out of fear. I know this gets on the nerves of my friends because I ruin everyone's good time by freaking out all of the time. I wish I could be more wild and free, but I am so paranoid and nervous most of the time. I'm not all of the time though. I mean sometimes I loosen up some at least. Sometimes I take an adventurous spell. Even when I am paranoid, I often times try to be accomadating so everyone else can enjoy themselves. The problem is, I am not always comfortable. I know they just want to have fun and they want me to have a good time too. They know I want to do things, but that I am paranoid and unreasonably freaked out about getting in trouble, so they just try to get me to relax and enjoy myself. The problem is I can't relax and I just end up feeling miserable, but rather than annoy everyone else I just try to go along because I know my fears are usually insane. Problem is, if I do act freaked out while trying to be accomadating, they just get mad about that. Thenn it's all like, what is wrong with you?! Why can't you just relax?! They can't understandd why I can't reason with myself, but fear is illogical a lot of times. Anyways, sometimes though, just sometimes, my fears really are justifiable and I am not being my usual paranoid nervous self, but am just being sensible and cautious because I KNOW that we are likely to get caught, but everyone else acts like I'm insane or a child or something. Sometimes I get so upset because I don't want to feel pressured into things....even things I want to do, but am afraid to do......and even if the only reason I am avoiding them is out of some insane irrational fear. Because I can't enjoy anything if I'm nervous and paranoid and I can't control being nervous and paranoid, ok?! Also, during the few rare times when I am actually not paranoid and nervous, but rather actually using reasonable caution and justified fear, often times in these rare situations the people who think I am being cowardly and depriving myself as usual, are the ones who are the least likely to get in any real trouble or have many consequences if we are caught. They don't understand what I would go through if we were caught because it's not the same for them, but if I tell them they don't understand they either dismiss it as bs or they get offended that I'd say so. For instance, let's say a bunch of people want to watch a porn at my house with my family members asleep in the house and the walls are paper thin and easy to hear through......well, my mom would die if she caught a porn playing in my room. Some of the members of this family make me ashamed to have genitals. On the other hand the people who want to watch it would probably have parents who either could care less, or who would be fairly understanding or just accept it quietly, or something. On the other hand I'd never hear the end of it because sex is a most abhorrable act outside of marriage as far as my family is concerned and so is watching it. This is just an example. Actually, I really don't like porn, but just trying to give a generic example. Anyways, the thing is, even if the worst thing to happen to me would be being yelled at, some of threm wouldn't even get that and if they did it wouldn't bother them as bad. On the other hand my nerves would freak completely out. I can't stand being yelled at. Also, just having some people even know about certain things would make me feel so exposed and dirty and horrible. Not that I'd necessarily think what I did was wrong, but just because it's private and I would just feel like I had been stripped naked. On the other hand, many of them could probably care very little about that. They are just like- even if you did get caught, what could they do? Scream at you? So what? They don't understand. Also, in certain cases (depending on what I had done and who found out), I would get much worse than yelled at. No one understands. I am so tired of everyone being on my case. I feel like they get mad at me because they feel like I am depriving myself and everyone else. I am just tired of feeling pressured and then when I actually try to make everyone else have a good time, they get mad because I am freaking out about it. At LEAST I am doing it and for who? For them mostly. I mean yeah I want to too, but I am so afraid of getting caught that if it were up to me purely then I would choose not to, because it really isn't fun if you are a paranoid nervous anxious panicky little ball of fear is it now? So it's mostly for them. How dare they get aggrivated with me!? Oh one last thing. Sometimes, some of them are like, well if you're not comfortable, then just tell me or us (or whatever the situation calls for) and we don't have to do this. It's okay. I don't or we don't want you to feel uncomfortable. They prob. don't want me to feel uncomfortable, but if I say no they get dissapointed and aggravated and if I say sure let's go for it, but am obviously uncomfortable then they get upset because A. they really can't enjoy themselves if I'm upset because they do care and B. sometimes they also can't enjoy themselves because I am freaking out and asking paranoid questions or doing something else distracting in my panic. They say that it's cool if I don't want to, but it isn't. Oh and one more last thing yeah sometimes I really am just being paranoid, but other times when I am more reasonable and not just going on anxiety disorders, unfounded fear, etc. then there are times when I would honestly be okay with stuff except they pick the worst possible time and place. I mean they don't want to have it somewhere safer or wait till a better time when we are less likely to get caught.
Last edited by Wind_Dancer; 09-19-2004 at 04:24 AM.