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Old 11-12-2004, 06:52 AM   #1
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Man Apart HB User
Unhappy Anxiety has destroyed my life

As far back as I can remember, anxiety has been a huge part of my life. It has influenced every major decision and ultimately dictates most of them. I cant explain why I have such a abnormal level of anxiety whenever I try to take a big step in my life. I couldnt stay in college. I cant hold a public job. I couldnt date. I cant go to family events on holidays and birthdays. Cant spend time with my family. Can barely go to the store or to a movie. Whenever I try to enter a stressful situation, I cant seem to fight the anxiety. It just disables me completely, mentally and physically and just wont let go no matter how calm i try to mak emyself, how safe i try to make myself feel, how determined i try to be. Doesnt matter, it just wont let me.

For the last 6 months, I saved and planned a trip overseas to meet someone that I fell inlove with. I was never more determined and sure about something in my life. I wanted change in my life. I wanted to feel alive, I wanted to do this so bad. 6 months of saving, planning, being in a happy relationship. It all went down the drain a few days ago. The day before my flight, the anxiety took control over me. I tried to fight it, more than i ever had in my life. I was packing my clothes and it jus seems like the more i packed the worst it got. Every hour it just got worst and worst. I was doubled-over my desk feeling like someone was jus choking me trying to make me give in. And finally that night I did. I had to. I couldnt go even if I wanted to. The pain was too severe.

It was suppose to be the best day of my life and turned into the worst day in my life. All in one day I lost 1500 dollars on a plane ticket, lost all my dreams of a better life, and the girl i fell inlove with for the last 6 months. And I cant explain to her why.

For months Ive been trying to get help from doctors. But I think I realize now, noone can really help me. Doctors really dont care. I feel like I just am better off trying to make the best out of my life and adapt to my illness and cope best i can, if i can. Ive been on every SSRI there is. Ive taken only a few anti anxiety meds like buspar and hydroxyzine. Ive tried OTC stuff like valerian. Ive had counselors, cognitive behavior therapy, group therapy, even priests. Ive taken alot of things, researched and invested alot of time and money in it. In the last couple months I made appointments with 6 different psychiatric doctors, and they all basically said the same thing. They cant help me. I guess you have to be kicking and screaming and just bent out of shape for them to give you anything that is really effective. I guess its just the way I was made. And just have to live isolated like this forever.

You know, for years I beat myself up and blame myself for the way my life turned out. And I wanted to just beat myself up for not getting on that plane. But I cant anymore. I really cant sit here and fault myself. Its not a weakness in character. Its not about being strong and having fortitude. I have done everything I could possibly do. I just cant defeat it. I have no control over how I feel, or my emotions, or my thoughts. I have absolutely no control over a significant part of my brain. The part that dictates how I handle adversity and fear. Its not my fault.

It took everything from me. All my dreams. My goals. My life. Is there really no way to overcome it?

Last edited by Man Apart; 11-12-2004 at 06:57 AM.

 
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Old 11-12-2004, 07:44 AM   #2
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Barrie HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

Well all i can say is your not alone,

you sound pretty much like myself i but ive been a little lucier than yourself as i am married and have only had anxierty and panic ataks for 2.5 years so i know pretty much how you feel. It has gotten so bad the last 5 months that i cant even go get my bloody hair cut and over the last 3 weeks i havnt been to work its like a pain of glass or just the last step that is always hard to take and as we all know it aint easy its bloody hard. The other thing we tend to do is talk a lot about it to other people that dont understand and it tends to pee them of a bit so we are limited to whom we can talk to. my doc prescribed me zoloft which helped for a while and then stoped working but i dont think taking ad,s is the be all and end all i got of them cold turkey and boy o boy that nearly killed me. I am constantly searching for better ways to improve myself but i can tell you it aint easy belive me. anyway try to chill out a bit and think of the nice things in life as i try to ..... good luck

barrie

 
Old 11-12-2004, 10:48 AM   #3
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chriscwharris HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

Hi, I know what you mean, it's pants. I've had anxiety since May 2002, joined these forums soon after and they've helped on occassions. Justsharing feelings etc.. helped me realise I wasn't alone in this.

I struggle through most days at the moment, initially when it all kicked off I couldn't leave the house let alone go to work!

I'm going through a bit of a relapse at the moment, had 5 or 6 weeks of raised anxiety with the usual dizzyness, palpitations, chest pains, arm pain and generally feeling pretty crap.

I've not slept properly in weeks and feel pretty weak and tired everyday, by 4pm I'm yawning! Since yesterday I've been getting muscle cramping sensations in my arms, legs, ankles, back you name it. I went to the doc who took some bloods to check for a few things.

There are days when I really feel like I can't carry on, the start of this week for example I went into a depressive state, couldn't see an end to all this, felt like I was ruinging my familes lives. I've kinda snapped out of it a bit but I still can't see the end.

2 1/2 years ago this started, after I accepted it was anxiety I assumed I could be back to my old self in a year or so. No chance! This is a long battle, maybe I won't ever be the person I was, but I'm going to keep trying. The thing that gets me the most is that I'm an intelligent person, I understand my problem, know what the causes are etc.... but I can't keep it under control as it just jumps out when you least expect it. There are times when I have been feeling pretty good then boom! out of the blue I have a PA.

Hang in there, I know what it feels like to be right down in the dumps, but you can get through it.
__________________
taking it one day at a time...

Last edited by chriscwharris; 11-12-2004 at 10:48 AM.

 
Old 11-12-2004, 12:55 PM   #4
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tooanxious HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

The one thing I noticed about my anxiety and this might pertain to you is that is seems to have momentum of its own after a while and it takes a while to break it. You just have to make small changes here and there and over months and maybe even years you will be cured. It cant all be done at once. I have been working on changes in my life and only recently after like three months have my anxiety levels finnally dropped a bit.

Well just dont get down. The worst thing anxiety does is make you feel like you have no control. In actuality you have a lot more control over it then you think.

 
Old 11-12-2004, 03:12 PM   #5
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Myzen HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

Quote:
Originally Posted by tooanxious
The worst thing anxiety does is make you feel like you have no control. In actuality you have a lot more control over it then you think.
I've read these posts with a feeling of understanding and familiarity. I've done 35 years with panic disorder. At times, in the early days, I thought it was going to finish me, but another day always came along. I have felt exactly like Man Apart and have lost jobs, relationships, all sorts of things to the illness.

But, I've also held down a marriage, have a lovely daughter and finally I did manage to take my life back. Anxiety is an implacable enemy, and no mistake, but it doesn't win all the battles.

Good luck, Man Apart, I hope this gets better for you.

Myzen,

 
Old 01-13-2005, 12:12 PM   #6
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sculpture HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

ManApart, I feel for you. It makes me so sad to read your story about not taking the flight. I know how anxiety can destroy dreams but we still need to fight it. I am trying to although I feel almost hopeless. I am not allowing it to stop me from living how much I can though. I have had anxiety almost all my life in some way or other. However, it just got really bad 9 months ago. However, I am fighting it although it is tough. In these horrible, worst of my life ( and strangely best because I have an 8 month old son) 9 months, I have been on 16 flights, and been on a 7 day cruise (just returned on Sun.). It was unbelieveably difficult to take those trips but I feel better for going than if I hadn't gone. I am going again tomorrow on a flight too. Each time, I noticed that I feel much much better than I thought I would. We all will perish from this earth some day, why should we let life pass us by avoiding things because we THINK something bad will happen? Chances are they won't. Please take that flight to see her. Just think that you are not alone on the flight. All those other passengers will be with you. Small kids, older people, couples, etc. Also, what makes you think out of ALL the flights in the world, yours will be the one to crash? That same flight has been leaving every single day and will continue at the same time every day, so what makes you think that the one day you choose to go will be the time it crashes? These are just some thoughts that have comforted me and I hope they help you. Flying really is the safest way to travel. I used to be afraid of flying until recently but now I do love it. Now I also am wondering how I was ever afraid? It seems silly now that I was once afraid. Strange, huh? What's worse-something bad happening or regreting it for the rest of your life? I am only trying to help because I don't want anyone else to suffer this way.

 
Old 01-13-2005, 08:24 PM   #7
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singer1 HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

Ask God for help. You can not do this alone. If you put your Faith in him, you will be amazed!

 
Old 01-14-2005, 12:23 AM   #8
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MIpigpen HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
It took everything from me. All my dreams. My goals. My life. Is there really no way to overcome it?
Don't read my drama if you don't have time...do you have an EAP at work? Employee Assistance Program did wonders for me! I said DO NOT give me a therapist unless they treat AD and not just have a 101 class to show! My guy gave me tons of info 1st day there..said "I want you to talk-to share-but i also want you to learn and i will teach". I almost fell off of my chair!

Okay, 1st of all...thanks for making me cry my eyes out! OKAY! that is only because I am going thru SOME of what you have had to stuggle with most of your life.

I can't comment on the plane thing...I use to manage a 77 million dollar travel program and I couldn't beleive how many people would not fly!!!! Anxiety or whatever....lots of people don't fly. does she? Anyway...

Movies? Today my friend made me go to the 1st movie I sat rhu in over a year. It was a litle tough, but a silly comedy-not a lot of thought-and no real moral of the story crap.

Are you close with your family? Brother? Sister? Best Friend? It was awful, but one day I hit rock bottom and asked my mom to drive up-3 hours-and help me. Yes, of course, but she was all business. I just yelled back at my mother (best friend, love her more than life itself).."NO! I can not make a list of what I need to do and be ready to get it all done! No! I can not make sure I start everyday with some toast and milk!" I had to look her in the eye and say "that is why I need you...I need you to hold my hand (figuratively) and lead me thru these tasks." Gee...if I can barely take a shower, I don't think I can cook a Christmas dinner.

Can you share this? Can you turn to a loved one and be sooo honest? They really can't understand 100%, but I saw the light go on in my husband's eyes when I said "no-I really can't drive 20 miles to pick up that part we need for the dishwasher. Honey-I REALLY CAN'T. Do you understand?"

 
Old 01-14-2005, 01:57 PM   #9
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te34resa HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

Hello there- I'm very sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. Do you know for certain that it's over with her? Does she know what you're suffering or does she think you don't care enough to see her? Would she be understanding if you told her or are you presuming that she won't? I'm not suffering so much as you are as I'm lucky enough to have a fantastic husband and he has to be to be married to me. We've never been on a foreign holiday although he'd love to travel as I'm terrified to fly- not afraid of crashing in my case but claustrophobic, panic attacks and fear of vomiting to name but a few. I'm also just afraid of any change of circumstances and not being in a "safe" environment- one of my favourite words. I never finish courses and can't work a proper job like yourself. I might do it for a week and then wake up too petrified to get out of bed, knowing I have to be somewhere every day and there's no escape. I wish you all the luck in the world and wish I could help.

 
Old 01-20-2005, 08:00 PM   #10
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kiehn HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

Hi Manapart
I read your story that must have been so hard for you. You've probably told yourself
this but I'd just like to reinforce it. If this women loves you half as much as you vow
to love her, she will understand. Think about it just the few poeple that responded
to your post all understood and they are strangers. Plus that women have a natural
instinct to care and nurture. The following are just shots in the dark but I didnt see any mention of them.

1) A girlfriend of mine has a boyfriend that been diag with anxiety for the last 7 yrs
and was a frequent visitor to the hospital. On his last visit they finally discovered
he actually has a heart condition. Of course you would have to insist on a through
heart checkup.

2) I've done some research on my condition Bipolar and found many people suffering
from any of the mental disorders had a deficiency of Amino Acids and some
vitamins, but especially the amino acids.

Like I said they are probably shots in the dark but it never hurts to try. Take Care, K

 
Old 01-22-2005, 08:47 AM   #11
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Anxiety has destroyed my life

Cant type much right now.

I understand MI, um no its not over Teresa but the clock is ticking.
I have no idea what faith is.
Im kind of opposite of you sculpture. I had absolutely no anxiety when I ingested a bottle of pills a year ago. I actually really feeling relief. I think I embrace the idea of death more than I should. I dont fear dying. Thats weird. I only fear living.

Your right Kiehn. Shes trying. She doesnt understand cos... well, she doesnt know yet. Shes kinda in the dark, and Ill probably have to have that "talk" with her soon, but I dont know how she will react to that. If i cant go there, its over, period. After I told her i couldnt come there in november she sent me 12 pictures of her all of them holding my picture or showing pictures of me I sent her on her dressor. And the letter I had to read... I know she was crying when she wrote it cos I was crying reading it. Shes trying to show me theres nothing to fear. She just kept writing, "come here just come here, come to me, I wont hurt you." So painful. Like being tortured. Its just so utterly ridiculously unfair. I have so much rage at times. I dont know where to direct it. Most of the time its at myself. But like I said, what can you do. Its mind over matter. This illness is so relentless.

I honestly dont think I could have got on that plane if God told me to. It would definitely take a act of God to help me get there. I know how a guy on deathrow feels the day before execution. Cos thats the ridiculously irrational feelings my mind conjour up whenever I try to do anything. It just makes no sense.

The mind is a terrible thing. Im still looking into other stuff, vigorously. I haven't given up but, but I dont have any answers, and im fresh out of hope.

My posts are pretty insignificant. Im tired of complaining. And im sure people are tired of me too. So many other people here with issues, im just wasting space. I do appreciate what everyone has said and wrote. I thank you. It never ever hurts. I said before these boards last year extended my life, just being able to spill my guts and place my emotions and sadness somewhere other than keeping it always bottled up inside me, feeding on me. I stopped writing on the boards before because theres never anything I can add that can help others. Im just a depressing broken record. Its like writing a book, and you realize, theres never going to be a happy ending.

 
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