MKLowTone

Hi all - I've been lurking for a while and finally felt the urge to post here

I started having panic attacks november 2003 (the first one was during the England-Aussie rugby World Cup final) and have been in and out of hospital and my GP ever since.

The panic attacks have stopped now (or should I say FOR now...) but since december or 2003 I have had this feeling of lightheadedness and I'm generally spaced out like nothing is real except some mystery illness that I've convinced myself I have. I also feel really odd in the left side of my chest all the time and although it rarely causes me any pain it leaves me feeling weak there and in my left arm and I just feel so lopsided. It also feels like my breathing is restricted there, though all the tests say that everything is OK. I've had ECGs, peak-lung-capacity tests and my blood-pressure tested so often and it's been falling constantly (it was 140 odd and is now 120) though that in itself worries me because I keep thinking that it's going to keep falling down to 110 or 100 and that I'll start passing out and die.

My problem now is that these two feelings (the head and the chest/arm) have gone on so long that I'm constantly thinking about them and even in those few moments a month that I'm not, they effects that thinking about them for the rest of my waking hours can still be felt.

I know there's nothing wrong with either my heart or lungs, and I can actually accept that, but I can't help but feel that there's something else wrong that eventually WILL affect the normal operation of my body severely. Hell, I feel like it already is!

I find it so hard to get out of the house to do anything because even walking to the shops I feel these symptoms and now I do so little that I get out of breath very easily. I'm also overweight (I'm 6'5" and weigh 19-20 stone - 266-280lbs) and I can't help but feel that this anxiety is eventually going to give me a heart attack one way or the other.

I'm 23 years old and don't think I should be worrying about whether I'm going to die or be crippled soon. I should be worrying about getting a decent job and finding the future mother to my children. Instead I sit here wondering if I'm ever even going to get the chance to do these things.

In addition to the constand head-spaciness and chest-oddity, I get flushed very easily, both in my face and hands and then I notice all my veins standing up a lot more than they used to, even just over the last year I've noticed a huge dfference, particularly in my hands, arms and feet

I also sometimes feel like my body is swaying (like when the dentist gives you the gas or when you're about to pass out drunk) and then I start thinking that my heart's not strong enough to pump the oxygen around my body

At night I know I tense up a lot, especially in that left-chest and arm because sometimes I catch it and can ease it off a bit. I just cannot seem to relax and feel that I'll never be able to because I'm so unfit, my body feels like it has to strain to keep me alive or awake and no amount of deep slow breathing or relaxation tapes are going to work (I got the tape from a counsellor I'm seeing through my GPs)

I feel like I'm trapped in a living hell and the absolute worst part of it is that when it all started I was eating OK (ish), I was doing karate twice a week for 90-120 mins a session and was at University studying to become a lawyer. The only thing that was significantly wrong was my drinking, which I've pretty much stopped completely and which probably explains why my blood-pressure has fallen.

I know many people have many of these symptoms but even writing this feels like quite a release, though it also has it's own tensions attached to it as I've just gone over every feeling in my head as I've been writing and I now realise how difficult it can be to do this

ARGH!