sel83

Hey, Ive only just discovered this message board and im delighted. I have been suffering serious anxiety problems the last three months, though it seems they may have been with me for many many years. {REMOVED} and it seems all the stress has made my anxiety creep up to ridiculous levels.

Its crazy, i'd have never even associated the word anxiety with the way I was feeling until a councellor said it to me. Anxiety doesnt feel real, all these horrible distiorted behaviours and thoughts are there, that i cant suppress, but i never thought that there was an actual name for it, it was an actual problem. Ive always just sidelined my worries and problems, beacuse i didnt think they deserve the time to be recognised. Its like, you cant say, hey my foot hurts, must have a problem with my foot. Its not that easy to point to it, so Ive conviced myself it doesnt exist.

Its wierd, only now am i feeling like the problem is real and that its with me every moment every day. Its a helpless realisation but also an empowering one. There are times i really dont like me. I want to change me and im trying to change me. But for me being aware or what i do and think and when it happens is really helping me.

I hope im on the mend. I just thought i'd do a little introduction message to everyone and share a moment which really helps me put into perspective my life.

I was walking home from councelling really devastated and down. The councelling really takes it out of me for a couple of days. Its like flooding your past back into you life, which you've managed to suppress for so long. Anyway, i was walking through this park, and there was a homeless man on a park bench drinking wine from a bottle in a paper bag, it was 3pm on a cold february friday afternoon. He looked at me a good 20 feet away from me, and felt the urge to shout to me, saying... 'hey love, cheer up, its nearly summer!'. The irony nearly killed me, I didnt know whether to laugh or cry! So i did both! You see i'd been desperate and lonely, looking for someone to be there, just to understand. And for one moment, however trivial to him, he saw me and felt my pain. Which was a huge revelation to me. For a split second someone understood with inspiration.

So whenever im feeling really down, i just try and think of that moment. Cause that man, in as non drammatical a way as possible, showed me the reason to keep pushing and living!