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Old 09-13-2005, 12:44 PM   #1
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I want to have a normal life

I see successful people making lots of money and having nice things and think why can't that be me?? Why did I get stuck with this body and brain that I feel are useless. I have ADD, depression, and I'm sure anxiety also. I've been anxious on every single job I've ever had and worried about fitting in. It's always been hard to concentrate and I make mistakes from getting distracted so much. I've been home during my 25 years of marriage more than what I've worked mostly because I can't stand the pressure I feel when I'm at work. Of course, as a result of my being home, and my husband not making a lot of money, I have become anxious about that and worry constantly. It's getting to the point where I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. That's how much it bothers me, and I just can't see an end to it. Will I ever fit in? Will I ever find a job I'll be happy with or will I always wake up coughing feeling like I'm having an asthma attack and feeling sick to my stomach? My not working has really put us in bad financial shape that I wonder if we'll ever be able to dig our way out of debt...it's a LOT! What we owe is twice as much as what my husband makes in a year, and that's not even including all his school loans, and now he's going for his Master's Degree yet. He doesn't like living in this area, but I do, so I see us parting ways eventually, and that is always on my mind too. It's no use I got to talk to someone. I've been down that road and it hasn't helped one bit. On my last job I was so worked up that I think I spent most of my money at my GP, psychologist, and chiropractor anyway. My working didn't even help in getting us out of credit card debt because by the time I was done with all my visits, getting medicine, buying gas to go to work, etc., there wasn't any extra money left anyway, so I'm here thinking if I can't handle work, what's the point of it? I want to be a productive citizen, but I don't know what I should be doing or if I am capable of being able to handle working for any length of time. The longest I've ever stayed on a job was a year and a half and even then I'd have gone sooner if I could have. It's so unbearable when I'm working and when I'm not there I'm worrying about having to go there the next day. I hate Sundays dreading going back to a whole week of hell again. I've been seeing a guy from OVR (Office of Vocational Rehabilitation), but he can only see me every 1-1/2 months because of his schedule and his huge client base. I know my husband wants desperately for me to get a job and help out with the bills. Now my not working I think is probably affecting him too, as he was taken to the hospital one day on the ambulance. He thought he was having a heart attack and it was a panic attack.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Things seem so hopeless. I feel like I'm running around in circles. I worry so much! I said that I don't think anyone could be more miserable than I am without being suicidal. The thoughts do cross my mind, but I know I could never do something like that because I just don't have the nerve, but basically my feeling is that I don't have much to live for, sad to say. Thinking about all of our credit card debt is so overwhelming I just can't begin to describe it! Stop the world, I want to get off!

 
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Old 09-13-2005, 01:01 PM   #2
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Re: I want to have a normal life

Are you on any medication?

 
Old 09-13-2005, 02:33 PM   #3
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Re: I want to have a normal life

Stop the world i want to get off!!! I can relate to that one, i certainly know that one. Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel about yourself, honestly? Things have got on top for me before and i lost my home, i know what you mean when you say you want to be a productive citizen, i yearn for the same, i feel sometimes that i am just a waste, but i know deep down that i'm not. I know you feel like your letting your husband down, mine is constantly in trouble at work about time off and being late because of me, and yes there are credit cards unpaid and all other sorts, catalogues etc, and my husband is the only one who works, and it is my debt. He lately has been the only one to worry aswell. But sitting back and explaining EXACTLY how i felt encouraged him to make me deal with it. I know i love my husband and want to give to him what he gives me and i can only do that if i get myself sorted out, try to see your gp, maybe talking to a good friend on a regular basis, would you believe i am my best mates therapist, when she is down i'm on the phone for hours!!! All she needs is to no that someone is just willing to listen, even if there is no solution.
Good luck babe, hope you find what you need. Let us know

 
Old 09-13-2005, 06:13 PM   #4
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Re: I want to have a normal life

Quote:
Originally Posted by anxietysucks
Are you on any medication?
I'm not on any medication for the anxiety, but I am on Wellbutrin for depression and supposed to be taking Adderall for ADD but don't because nothing I've tried makes a difference with the ADD. I was taking a generic form of Xanax when I had my last job, but I'm not even sure if that helped me very much. I still felt pretty anxious.

 
Old 09-13-2005, 06:21 PM   #5
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Re: I want to have a normal life

Quote:
Originally Posted by layla=
Stop the world i want to get off!!! I can relate to that one, i certainly know that one. Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel about yourself, honestly? Things have got on top for me before and i lost my home, i know what you mean when you say you want to be a productive citizen, i yearn for the same, i feel sometimes that i am just a waste, but i know deep down that i'm not. I know you feel like your letting your husband down, mine is constantly in trouble at work about time off and being late because of me, and yes there are credit cards unpaid and all other sorts, catalogues etc, and my husband is the only one who works, and it is my debt. He lately has been the only one to worry aswell. But sitting back and explaining EXACTLY how i felt encouraged him to make me deal with it. I know i love my husband and want to give to him what he gives me and i can only do that if i get myself sorted out, try to see your gp, maybe talking to a good friend on a regular basis, would you believe i am my best mates therapist, when she is down i'm on the phone for hours!!! All she needs is to no that someone is just willing to listen, even if there is no solution.
Good luck babe, hope you find what you need. Let us know
I'm glad to hear that I have this in common with other people, although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I think it's a shame that any of us have to go through it. Yes, my husband knows how I feel about myself and he's at a loss anymore what to tell me. I think he's been very understanding over the years, as he's had to carry the whole load most of our married life. He can sort of understand what I'm going through, but yet I don't think someone who doesn't have it really knows exactly. He does expect me to find a job sometime, as we are really very much in debt! A psychiatrist years ago even told me that he would write a letter saying that I can't work due to my mental/psychological/emotional problems, etc. but I didn't want to just give up so I refused his offer, and I've basically been unemployed ever since, and that was about 8 or 9 years ago. I've been home ever since except for a temp job that I had last year for a few months that about drove me batty. I really do feel like such a failure. I'm not a dumb person and feel like I should be doing something, but what?!
Thanks for all the advice. It sounds like you have a really great husband. The relationship I have with mine could be a lot better.

 
Old 09-13-2005, 07:14 PM   #6
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Re: I want to have a normal life

My friend just told me the other day that I should be keeping my eye out for jobs where I can do much of the work from home. I want to go back to work in the next year or two, so I can help our son pay for college. The thought of dreading Monday morning again, and the pressure of living up to others' expectations makes me feel ill. Maybe you can start with a part-time job and work your way up again...you know, baby steps.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 05:38 AM   #7
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Re: I want to have a normal life

I understand where you are coming from. We seem to have a lot in common when it comes to work, becoming anxious and making errors. I would like to have one day where I do not feel symptoms of anxiety or worry about whether it will ever be different.

My husband and I are also in debt, but we starting to make progress. We're making payments and saving money. We want to be able to move out of our dingy apartment next summer because it's just not a very comforting place to come home to.

Have you considered getting part-time work? Maybe working on the weekends and slowly start building the hours as you go along. This might be less stressful than finding a full-time job right away and you'll at least bring in a little money. Plus if you get minimal part time job you probably won't have to commute to far out of your area.

Also, have you and your husband considered going to a non-profit organization to help you with your debt. They'd be able to help you create a budget to help pay off your debt. You could also look for small ways to help save your money and start building a nest egg for emergencies.

If you're unable to work you should consider getting unemployment for your condition. Nothing says that you can't overcome this. But you've been out of work for over 8 years so I believe it's safe to say that this would be a good idea.

Anyway, I hope you start feeling better. There are a lot of people who sympathize with your situation.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 05:49 AM   #8
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Re: I want to have a normal life

I live in the uk and have just found out that the government and health service will aid you in employment, as in you work alongside the dr etc and they are always to hand to help, maybe you have something similar where you live. Just a thought

 
Old 09-26-2005, 06:04 PM   #9
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Sonika HB User
Re: I want to have a normal life

People people, remember that part of our problem is stressing over the rat race of making money and being successful. Remember that for the now our biggest success means feeling better. Once we can get our health back, the rest will take care of itself. I still can work and pray everyday that i do not need to go on disability but if being away from the stressor of every day will help, I am ready to take the challenge of living with less.

 
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