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Old 07-19-2006, 11:56 PM   #1
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Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

OK, i'm about to reveal my truest feelings. I am only doing so because i really don't have anyone to talk too. Well, i do but "normal" people that i can talk too like my family just wouldn't have any symphathy for the reason i am depressed. I did not mention friends because i lost all of them due to my issue. I would be curious to know if anyone feels the way i do or even something remotely close to it. I seriously doubt it. Most people with some type of anxiety are still able to maintain some type of friendships, have girlfriends, etc etc. I am not one of them.

But anyways, here's a quick snapshot of why i am depressed:

I fear people. I don't know why. Maybe it's because i am constantly evaluating and comparing and i always judge myself and others and i just don't like what i see in the mirror. But i really think it's more than that. I've been depressed or having this fear of people for about 8 years now. I am in my early 30's and let me just clarify that i wasn't always like this. I had very close friends, had girlfriends, and had a "normal" social life before this issue hit me. And that is the more reason why i am baffled and bitter that my mindset has become the way it is. I pretty much lost all of my very close friends because i simply was afraid to be around them. And i'm talking about friends i had since the age of 6. Friends who were really close to me.

People want to do things that make them feel comfortable. Unless of course if it's a job or things that must be done in life. But in general, people would rather avoid situations that make them competely stressed out. But for me, being outside of my home and in the world makes me feel stressed out. So i instinctively don't want to go outside because that would make me feel stressed out. And that is the reason why i am bitter towards society and it's because society makes me feel uncomfortable.

I know that i have a fear of people. I know that i feel like a complete loser around people and i don't know how to act. I have been trying to avoid social situations since my early 20's. So in a sense, my social skills have never developed past my early 20's. Actually, even a kid is more mature than me because they are able to relax around people and maintain some dignity without appearing like he's completely afraid of the situation. And for the last 8 years or so, my sole job has been to try to not look afraid and that stresses me out. Why am i so afraid? I do not know. But i do know that i am and i have to use every ounce of my inner energy JUST to try to appear normal.

I am bitter towards society because i see pretty much everyone else being able to relax out in public. When they are at a market, they just look at the food they want to buy. When i'm at the market, i'm just worried about buying things as soon as possible so i can get the heck home and be alone. It's stressful. Again, when you're reading this, i'm sure you think i'm pathetic. And i say to you, "Yes, you are so correct". But guess what, this is me and i have tried to change my mentality for 8 years. I can't shake it. If there was something TANGIBLE i can do to change it, i would've done it. Nothing i tried has helped. I've tried all sorts of religions.

You know, if God or the Devil or any other higher being ever told me that they were just pulling a prank on me and they would give me my "normal" mind back and that they just wanted to see how stressed out a person can get for absolutely no legitamite reason, i would say, "I knew it". I'm really baffled as to why i got this way. But i do think that having this type of fear, bitterness, and anger for 8 years has permanently done damage to my mind. I think i am beyond the point of return. Sort of like a lung that is charred from too much smoking? It's just too late to fix it.



Well, that's me in a nutshell. If you actually read this far you know more about my truest feelings than anyone has ever known.

 
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Old 07-20-2006, 03:00 AM   #2
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

Once upon an time there was this girl who was out going, so social, asked to dance in a night club and get paid ( I didnt do it!) she became so house-bound, that to open up the front door to get to the letterbox was actually out of control, nah couldnt do it, stayed inside for three weeks.20 years later, ( dont read my relationship thread at the mo ) so 20 odd years later there is a girl who can go out, without fear.
I started to change the way I thought, ie what I was saying to myself, cant do that cant do this, to I CAN do this I can do that, it took all day all night of correcting and reprogramming what I had told myself to believe, cant , cant , cant,....whenever you get panicky stay in the very moment, ie: oh isnt this wonderful , whatever you are doing , tell your brain good things, you are what you think and you are in control of what you put in your mind..whenever a bad thought pops in, stop, and say now why did I just say that to myself, how silly, course I feel fine, infact I feel damned good, its all about what you are saying to yourself
If you think bad thoughts, then its bad ,think good thoughts and with time and I promise you this you can improve your life greatly. Check out Dr wayne Dwyer(dyer) I can never remember last name, anyhow he saved my sanity , by just thinking about the very minute that we live in.Not the past and not the future, but just right now.! It works.
You have social anxiety, every-one does but yours has escalated...
By the way dont think that every one in the market is happy, I couldnt even get there. and the first time I did I left the trolley at the checkout, it was all to much, today I can shop with ease, still a pain in the butt, who wants to hang out at the supermarket, but you know what I mean..wish you well and check out the Dr I recommended.
Best wishes
Ruby

 
Old 07-20-2006, 04:45 AM   #3
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

hiya sweety,

im in almost the exact position as you now, i fear everything and because i dont like outside and people, i see people outside, just doing their own thing being carefree etc, it makes me sooooo mad , soooo resentful. i used to do these things just like them, without giving it a second thought.

i also know how you feel about not knowing what to say to people when you do see them, as since being 20 i have felt detatched, and anxious, where as i didnt before. you feel people dont understand you, and its pointless trying to explain, because you think they wont understand.

on the plus side, i think alot of it is down to confidence, alot of people will say
you HAVE to be positive, and you may glaze over and be thinking but i just CAAAAAANT. well you can. of course you can. you have all the power. never mind being successful in your job and having control over your kids, just get control of yourself and be positive. you have to keep on trying to do your every day things, if you dont have every day things then start organising 1 thing that you could do as an achievement everyday, and this will really boost your confidence.

a good start for you could be speaking to someone in a friendly manner, and keeping your actual thoughts while your talking, realistic! ( i have a problem speaking to people because my mind runs away with me and i automatically start thinking "i can tell they dont really like me, they think im an idiot, they think blah, blah, blah, etc when actually, I CANT READ MINDS, im just paranoid because i have less social skills and confidence than i used to!).

i have been doing this for a few weeks now and i am feeling better already. i hope you can start to change your life. i will keep my fingers crossed for you.

sarah xxx

 
Old 07-20-2006, 08:02 AM   #4
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

While ive never been housebound as long as you have..I do knw what your saying.There was a time I never wanted to leave the house scared of something horrid happening to me.I also was always shy and VERY uncomfortable around others.I used to think (just like the poster above) oh this one doesnt like me and id worry why doesnt that ever come talk to me but does everyone else? on and on and on.Let me tell ya though now I just dont give a rip if this one or that one doesnt like me or doesnt talk to me OHWELL.Nobody can like everybody I certainly am not going to crawl into a hole because I think a few dont like me or think what I said was stupid.I used to do that go hide.Friends would call id avoid their calls scared to answer the call didnt want to have to explain to them "no i cant go out with you im too scared." Anyway,the posters before me are right on the power to get over this crap is all up in your head! I reconditioned my mind to be alot more positive...."this one doesnt like me i can tell" changed to "well they dont seem to interested ohwell moving on."......"people will think im dumb or weird." to......."im not such a bad girl and if so and so doesnt like me ohwell I certainly wont lose sleep over it." Those are some of the examples of how my thinking is now which is way different from before.This took time it didnt happen over night but it did work.So maybe it would work for you to.You say you have tried everything so why not try it out...cant hurt.Also now I wake every morning telling myself things like this ......"today is a whole new day I am healthy and strong.I want to make the most of this day....now what am I going to do today?" Then I plan out things I am going to do or have to get done.I started very small but now its easy.........good luck to you!

 
Old 07-20-2006, 07:45 PM   #5
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

For the posters who took the time to read what i had to say and give me some advice, thank you.

Your responses do not surprise me. It's really the same thing. It's all about telling yourself to think positive. And yes it is true and that's where it starts but it's not like it's news to me. I've tried it. But i guess life is so weird and complicated because we do have a mind that can think. We are the only creatures that can actually discrimminate, analyze, judge, etc. That is the reason why people get depressed. I think the human thought is the evil of all things.

But anyways, after having read what i said, am i not the most pathetic person you have ever heard of? I mean seriously? I'm an adult that is afraid of being around anyone? And for what reason? Perhaps for the basic reasons i mentioned above in that i have a thinking mind and because i can think i come to the conclusion that i do not like what i see and that is the reason for the my lack of confidence? I would like to think it's that simple but i really do think that a higher being has inflicted this "fear" into my soul just for the heck of it because my mind is completely irrational. Sort of like God and the Devil playing a game on Job. He really had no control over his circumstances and i feel the same way. That is why i'm so bitter and angry. I feel like this fear is completely ingraved into my deepest core of my soul and there is NOTHING that can fix it. Oh well.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 10:57 PM   #6
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

I have struggled with Anxiety for over 10 years. Over the years it has taken on many different forms. Fears have come and gone only to be replaced with new ones. But I will say this I do understand your fear of people. Mine is strictly fear as if they will hurt me, for shyness has no part of my fear as it is with plain social anxiety.this is not social anxiety, for me its"paranoid personality disorder" You and I and anyone else who feels this knows first hand that it goes far beyond just nervousness or shyness. I find new techniques to help myself with this as i can. I must say one thing, the mind is very powerful and we truly are how we think, if your thoughts are distorted and unrealistic you must change them and let go of any and all fear, where there is no fear the fear will then have no power to thrive on.Accept that some people will make you feel uneasy but that doesn't mean they are any harm to you, it is just a feeling and try to be less affected by other people.
Dont be afraid of the fear behind the thought!~Let the thought go, release its power. A funny way to look at it could be,"i get a bad feeling about that person cuz maybe they do bad things, but that doesnt necessarily mean they mean any harm towards me, I mean, who am I in their life?hahaha, I am just part of the crowd in their eyes, or i am a small part of a big big world and things are not focused on me. Try to look at the world as a whole picture and try not to center things on yourself.Nowadays people are way too focused on themselves and their own needs to want to hurt you.KEEP IT SIMPLE!!!!!! If you practice certain ways of thinking for so long eventually you believe them, but if you learn new ways of thinking and practicedifferent(more pos) thought patterns then eventuallyyou will believe those and overtime you will forgetthe old ways of thinking.You spent years of learning it and now it will take months or yearsto unlearn it. Practice makes perfect and thats exactlywhat you've done. We've practiced the negativethought patterns for so long that you are perfect atit.Now its time to unlearn it. Believe me when i tell you these things for I have been dealing with these problems for almost a decade. I learned that once I stopped fighting it and accepted it was who I am I was able to cope with it better. I found techniques that worked "FOR ME" and I practiced those and still do and I always will but its okay because it gets me through. Find a way for you to deal with "you". Make urself a short list of reminders to help you, something you can replay in your mind over and over. Once you STOP believing in your fearful thoughts they WILL go away. Trouble with me is once mine go away my mind gives me new ones, but thats okay because there never as bad as their sisters before them. The best medicine for me honestly......is Laughter, everytime I find myself thinking ridiculous thoughts I start laughing at myself and hit myself in the head "snap out of it,lol" then its not so bad. dont be a prisoner of your own mind, force urself to get out there and "let go of the fear behind the fear" what that means is, if someones afraid of a lion because the lion might eat them, they should stop thinking about the lion eating them and they might not be so scared of the lion. whatever you fear most about people dont think about that when your around them just concentrate on the feeling itself, sometimes if theres no fear behind that thought, the fear itself will go away.Another technique that always works for me is.......whatever you fear most about people like"they will hurt me" well they cant hurt you as long as you dont let em in ur box. its impossible. the box"i call it" is ur space of a certain amount of space around you that nobody can cross unless you trust them and let them in.so as long as noones in your box they cant hurt you. try it, you'll be surprised how much it helps. I really hope i have helped you for I too struggle with this on a daily basis. Im not going to tell you this will go away, because chances are it wont,but you can tone it down a bit to make your life far more manageable and your world less scary. From severe to moderate to tolerable and maybe one day so mild that it will go unnoticed and pop up only once a month or once a year. Whatever the case may be,you need to be able to tolerate yourself around people, dont allow them(these people) take ur peace away. Get solid and peaceful in your skin and focus on you and try not to pay too much attention on what "they" are doing.....even though its hard to not "watch their every move just in case" Just remember, as long as they are not in your box then what they do doesnt matter. And i dont know if you do this or not, but i find myself trying to read into peoples moves like,"why'd they do that??" as if it involves malicious intent towards me,lol.so i deal with that by saying "people do weird THINGS and theres sometime NO meaning to it at all. I mean really "look at us!!""look how we act around people!!"See if it were up to me I would never be around anyone but my kids, but unfortunately we have to get out there and be around people so if you can make a goal for yourself to not runaway from your prob and just learn to tone those fears down a bit so you can function better then it wont be so bad, i promise

Last edited by ms_mod; 07-21-2006 at 03:55 AM. Reason: This isn't a chat room and you're not writing a text message take the extra TWO SECONDS and type out the REAL word. Also if you know a word is improper enough to ***** out, then just don't use it.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 11:07 PM   #7
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

111111,

I understand to a certain extent what you have been going through. There have been times when I have been at my lowest when I have felt almost as bad - I wont insult you by saying just as bad, but approaching. Not leaving house for days, and if i did, convinced everyone is looking at me and judging me negatively.
Like me, I think you seem to be a very introspective person, thin-skinned, whatever you want to call it. Basically, you think too much about yourself, instead of looking out and focusing also on others. Things you shouldn't be thinking about. I do that too, but to a lesser extent. And like you say, trying NOT to look like this is the most tiring thing. And I still haven't found the answers to this.

And as for the thinking positive thing, I've been trying that for years. Little success. I have a limited social life, and instantly recoil at making new friends . I tend (I've noticed) to look at the negative things about a person and what negative things they will think of me before anything else. Then, you're pretty much stuffed before you've begun. I can sit with a group and end up disliking them nearly all because I'm just thinking about why i dont like them and they dont like me. I am in my late 20's and feel like the socially immature one, even if i'm older than they are.

As for the pathetic thing, I know what you mean, but it is low self-esteem talking. This is the one thing you can do something about. I have felt low like this, but self-esteem can be improved without having to overcome the 'positive thinking' thing. These may sound lame, but sports, hobbies, and simple jobs like delivering papers helps. You might laugh at this now, but I'll try to explain quickly (got to go soon): if you have a hobby, you need to find out about a specific thing. Forget building ships in bottles and all that crap, but take, just for an example, for example mountain biking:
-You can go to a shop, buy a few mags on it. Read about it, know the brands and whats popular. Buy more mags. Wait until you know enough to go into a shop and talk with a bike store assistant. If you don't like the look of him or her, then walk. Find another. Then, you can ask questions, chat about whatever. Leave if you feel bad. But this way, you are establishing yourself on the same level - the store assistant can see you know something about bikes. You have something in common. Go back, talk to them again.

This is one way of establishing yourself on the same level as another stranger. Why would they think you pathetic? You're interested in bikes (or whatever). You can pick anything, and spend as long or as little time talking as u like. First time, just go in and ask if they have a certain spare part, and how much it is. If you feel bad, leave, and try another day.

if you dont feel comfortable thinking yourself on the same level, aim lower. Read a review about a new bike frame (or whatever) and go in and ask advice. Let the storeperson ramble on. And try to focus more on them than yourself. Watch what they do and try to focus outside of yourself.

Anxiety is being scared of not knowing something, if you can see what i mean. This way you are putting yourself a level higher - you both know something. And you're both into it.

You could try this, or maybe you dont like the idea. It might smell of the 'positive thinking thing' to you. But i mention it because i found out by accident it helped me. Im interested in photography, and i found just going into a quiet shop and asking about the difference between lenses or whatever made me a little - not massively, more relaxed. (Or go to a computer chain store and watch the 17yr old assistant squirm as you ask the difference between some component or scanner or whatever!)

Whatever happens, I hope i can help you somehow. Hope to speak to you again..

 
Old 07-21-2006, 12:53 AM   #8
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

worrywart and xiang ting,

Thanks for your honest replies. I see where both of you are coming from and i see the genuineness in your responses.

worrywart,

You do seem to KIND OF know what i am going through. Of course, i must stress "kind of" because, as we all know, every single one of us has our own mind which is completely different from everyone else. No one else can see through our eyes and our mind but us. But i can relate to a lot of what you said.

xiang ting,

In response to your statement about getting a hobby and possibly occupying my mind and talking to people, i do think it can help some people but it hasn't helped me.

Let me tell you, i thought if i did certain things in life, i would be "happy". For instance, i thought that when i moved out of my parent's home i would somehow "grow up" and be a man and forget my fear. I moved out and it didn't happen. Then i set another goal. I figured if i get a college degree with a high GPA, i would "grow up" and mature as i look for a nice job. Didn't happen. So i set another goal. I figured if i can get a GREAT JOB with GREAT salary potential, i know i would be happy then. Guess what, i did get the great job. But still, i didn't "grow up" or mature and the fear was inside me like it always was. And this fear also got me FIRED because the employees just didn't like being around me. Well, the user friendly word is "laid off". I lasted a little over a year. I stress "lasted" because that is what i did. I knew i had issues and i tried my best to work as hard as possible in order to compensate for the fact that i would not be a very social employee but it still didn't matter. They got tired of me. I actually thought i was going to get fired the first day because i was so scared, nervous, and looked angry.

So you see, i know all about setting goals and trying to occupy my mind but this fear and absolute unwillingness to be around people is so strong inside me, it's almost engraved. Think about it, i had a great job with salary potential that could've been in 6 figures in about 3 years. Most people would be esctatic to land such a job. But again, in the end, i am completely empty inside and i am fully convinced that nothing short of an act of a higher power can cure me. Money sure didn't. The money was in my hands. That's another frustrating part. I know i'm a dependable worker and i believe in hard work. But in this world, i think the ability to get along with people is more important than hard work simply because no one wants to work with a guy who always looks angry, bitter, and never talks. I wouldn't want to either but i happen to be the angry and bitter guy.

Well, i'm rambling on again. Thanks again for your honest replies.

 
Old 07-24-2006, 11:52 AM   #9
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

111111,

I hope I'm not pushing it too much here, because firstly I take what you say deadly seriously. But I have the feeling you - apart from what you describe of your character - have a good wicked sense of humour. PLEASE, when you read this don't think i'm taking the pi** - I'm not, I just get that feeling from your words, that you have a good, dark sense of humour: 'laughter in the dark' as someone (i forget who) described it as. I may be wrong, and you don't feel like laughing ever. Tell me. I recoil a little when you mention your emptiness and the higher power thing. No empty vessel gets as far as this website. AND replies. And I know some real idiots. The last word on this is that everyone has their good points.

I've worked in alot of different places, and I wouldn't be too bothered if the guy next to me looked angry, bitter, and never talked. In fact I'd probably latch onto you. I probably look the same at work, in fact I know I do. I've been told several times. Forget the money then, get a battering physical labour job. Push yourself at it until you're exhausted. See what happens then. You won't look angry or bitter so much when you're digging a ditch with a pickaxe.

Hope you're doing ok.

Hope to hear from you again.

 
Old 07-24-2006, 08:37 PM   #10
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Thumbs up Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

Oh thank God!! I am not totally insane!!
Hi yah!
I am so glad to hear (read) someone else say all of the things I am feeling at any given moment of any day. It really eases me a bit to see the similarities in what you are going through and what I am going through. I too have a great fear of people, mostly because of the fear of judgement, ridicule etc. I seem to be the person who ends up making a fool of herself without even trying. This does nothing for the self esteem. I can totally empathize with your ffeelings and only offer up that you are not alone. I also think you should do some research on a thing called: MIndfulness Practice. Look it up online or maybe your Doctor could refer you to a psychotherapist who is trained in this form of meditation. It is not a religious thing either but it does teach the buddist practice of Mindfulness. It seems a little weird at first and it is quite hard to master. This is something that takes a while to become good at so there will be a bit of work before you would see any sort of benefit. I have been reaserching and it seems promising. Good luck with everything. Keep in touch if you need an ear or just someone to share battle wounds with drop me a line. Keep your mind free of the negative. jen

 
Old 07-24-2006, 09:00 PM   #11
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

I am right there with ya on the money thing... I'm on the verge of losing a 32$an hour job because of my fear of those people and that building. i just feel so small sometimes. Been off work like 9 months I'm running out of excuses, time, options and gas. You know the score. Take care. jen

 
Old 07-24-2006, 09:06 PM   #12
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Xiang Ting
111111,

I hope I'm not pushing it too much here, because firstly I take what you say deadly seriously. But I have the feeling you - apart from what you describe of your character - have a good wicked sense of humour. PLEASE, when you read this don't think i'm taking the pi** - I'm not, I just get that feeling from your words, that you have a good, dark sense of humour: 'laughter in the dark' as someone (i forget who) described it as. I may be wrong, and you don't feel like laughing ever. Tell me. I recoil a little when you mention your emptiness and the higher power thing. No empty vessel gets as far as this website. AND replies. And I know some real idiots. The last word on this is that everyone has their good points.

I've worked in alot of different places, and I wouldn't be too bothered if the guy next to me looked angry, bitter, and never talked. In fact I'd probably latch onto you. I probably look the same at work, in fact I know I do. I've been told several times. Forget the money then, get a battering physical labour job. Push yourself at it until you're exhausted. See what happens then. You won't look angry or bitter so much when you're digging a ditch with a pickaxe.

Hope you're doing ok.

Hope to hear from you again.
This was no joke. I know what you mean when you say that a person who is actually like the one i described myself to be would not even dare to post their true feelings on a message board. And for the first few years of this depression, i wouldn't even thunk it. But i think the fact that i did post my true feelings just goes to show how serious my situation is. And it also confirms how sure i am about the way i feel. I'ts because i've been like this for so long. I really don't know where else to go. Not that i'm looking for a cure in a message board but i guess inside, i am. Everything i do is geared toward bettering myself but it pisses me off because when it comes to how you feel in your life, their is really nothing tangible you can do. It's all things that you don't know if it will work or not.

Last edited by 111111; 07-24-2006 at 09:07 PM.

 
Old 07-24-2006, 09:11 PM   #13
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenbrugg
Oh thank God!! I am not totally insane!!
Hi yah!
I am so glad to hear (read) someone else say all of the things I am feeling at any given moment of any day. It really eases me a bit to see the similarities in what you are going through and what I am going through. I too have a great fear of people, mostly because of the fear of judgement, ridicule etc. I seem to be the person who ends up making a fool of herself without even trying. This does nothing for the self esteem. I can totally empathize with your ffeelings and only offer up that you are not alone. I also think you should do some research on a thing called: MIndfulness Practice. Look it up online or maybe your Doctor could refer you to a psychotherapist who is trained in this form of meditation. It is not a religious thing either but it does teach the buddist practice of Mindfulness. It seems a little weird at first and it is quite hard to master. This is something that takes a while to become good at so there will be a bit of work before you would see any sort of benefit. I have been reaserching and it seems promising. Good luck with everything. Keep in touch if you need an ear or just someone to share battle wounds with drop me a line. Keep your mind free of the negative. jen
You know, that is so funny you would mention that because in my pursuit to better my life and have some peace of mind in this world, i too have read many Buddhism books. I have been doing Zen mediation for about 2 years now and am well versed in this practice. It does calm the mind but it doesn't take away the fear that i have that is rooted in the deepest recesses of my mind. So you see, i am trying my best to better my life. If i could do anything to change it, i would do it. But because i don't know anything that can help me change my thinking, i'm still a loser.

 
Old 07-24-2006, 09:13 PM   #14
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Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenbrugg
I am right there with ya on the money thing... I'm on the verge of losing a 32$an hour job because of my fear of those people and that building. i just feel so small sometimes. Been off work like 9 months I'm running out of excuses, time, options and gas. You know the score. Take care. jen
What was exactly your situation? Did you have people you regularly talked with or were you completely isolated in terms of social relationships at the job like i was. Sure i talked when it pertained to the job and when i had too but i never started a regular conversation with anyone. I really don't think your situation was as extreme as mines as i don't think anyone in this world is when it comes to being able to relax in public. So what is your story?

 
Old 07-24-2006, 09:55 PM   #15
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jenbrugg HB User
Re: Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?

My story....I have always been ananxious person. Hard to believe some of this stuff but I swear as a child I felt anxiety. Parents fighting, dishes breaking, people screaming. Till I was 4. Then Dad tried to kill himself. Things got quiet, nromal, for a while. I felt at ease I think. Then Mom left us. Literally. Packed up and moved on. I was 7. I didn't even see it comming. Dad was a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic. He had no friends. No one to listen to him vent when she left. He made me listen. Pounding me into the ground with the volume of his voice crushing me with his words. I hated Mom. Or so I thought. I got through the akwardness of grade school. I never fit in. We were poor, my Dad was the town clown drunk every day before 4pm and I made a point of being SOMEONE. When I got to highschool I was popular, athletic, and cool. i made my dreams come true, but I think getting so high so fast kind of made me apprehensive of falling from my perch. I started watching what i said, did, what i wore, how i smiled. I kept it up like that for 10 years. I only went to places I felt comfortable. I stuck to a pretty strict schedule (workaholic) and I still had a bit of trust left in me. Then I got that PERFECT JOB OFFER and took it. I am set for life full pension after 30yrs, great benefits and the wages are uncomparable to any other job in the same field. I teetered on the edge but eventually I fell pretty quickly and have had numerous kicks to the teeth (figuratively) since getting here. (Anxietyville) I now have PTSD because a very close frend broke into my house and tried to rape me three years ago. And just tonigt my so called boyfriend left because he can't handle my anger at his recent infidelity.....I just dont trust anything or anyone and I never will again. Its all gone. I feel so numb one moment and ready to explode with rage the next. i understand the fundamentals of living happy you know positive thinking and all that. Ive read lots of books and researched, searching for the answers. I think the more I learn the more anxious and depressed I become. I am becoming angrier and more bitter too at the senslessness of the pain caused by these feelings and the sensless bad things I say to myself in my head. It freezes you and keeps you in the position of submission. If this anxiety were a person I would kick the living {REMOVED}out of it!!! sorry about the confusion. Its rare to be abe to get that much out without a bottle neck forming and shutting me down completly. thats about it all the "highlights" anyways. jen

Last edited by ms_mod; 07-25-2006 at 06:25 AM. Reason: If you know that a word is questionable enough that you have to ***** it out, then you should just choose a different word. Ms_Mod

 
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