pucca_chick

i feel like im the only one, but on the outside no1 knows how hard it actually is-they can see a minor frustration or awkwardness about me socially(they make retarded impressions of me trying to socialise) but i have a small freind group that i can be myself in, it takes a while and they have to be particular types-but i still feel like the weird one. plz, im worried anxiety is just a part of something else-if i describe me can u guys plz help me??

all thru skool i was the quiet, shy and timid daydreamer, completley in my own world. i was always in detention for being behind cos i was daydreaming, not understanding due to not focusing or listening and my parents were always in and i was in extra learning classes. i was not good socially, i was bullied badly cos i just think i was different-i dnt remeber what i was like exactly, i was just afraid, i diont remember thinking before i spoke often.i still have problems focusing at times but i manage it much better-altho im known to zone out and be forgettful or just disorganised.

however at home i was a nightmare-kicking, hitting, biting, screaming,throwing. i was very angry and i still am the arguentative one.

im now 18, and have hidden depression since i was 14, hidden eating issues also, self harm. im now 18 and have never had a proper boyfreind cos im too shy, i actually cannot interact properly and i feel very cut off. altho i have a small group an i have aquaintances im terrified. meeting new people is hard by myself unless i have a freind to share it with, imconstantly aware of myself, i dont speak cos im afraid ill say sumthuing stupid. im sick of premeditating everything i go to say, imagining i have various freinds who in real life i dont have.. i imagine scenarios were i can be comfortable and say intelligant things. wen i meet new people im told i look directly at the ground-they can only see the top of my head-i do not realise this at all, i feel that nervous and afraid but i dont know im doing it still. i mumble, talk quietly, i cannot look the person in the eyes. and for sum reason my whole ability to think and interact switches off complelty-like i forget how to socialise. its hard cos i dont even know what to say so i just give up and walk off.

i feel like every1 is staring at me all the time. but its weird. with my depression for the first 2 yrs or so it was just depression, but now i have mood swings every few days or even more often throughout the day they change. i can be very quiet and almost lethargic, not talking much or even thinking, or thinking too much, the next mintute im actually shouting rubbish, laffing uncontrolably, jumping in the air and annoying people for the fun of it, im super confident and talk and talk, but i talk so fast no1 understand what im saying nor can they follow my totally random train of thought-i feel drunk like this.

ive also had some OCD tendencies. i go thru mild phases of switching plugs off and switches, closing cupboard doors or lining up chairs and tables. i can ignore this if i try but it just feels right or soothing to do it. i get intrusive thoughts and a bit distrubing thoughts, i trick myself into thinking i want something bad or evil, that im disgusting or sumthing-but the images just come and i dont want them. i also always have like Tics. internally i constantly pop my neck and head, i contract stomach muscles and foot muscles, i blink (which every1 notices) over and over and very hard, i twitch my nose, move my ears, click my fingers, and jut my jaw, also my hands jerk or shake from right to left but it has to be to a certain intensity that they shake-i do this at times without realising which can get a few stares. but thankfully most of these things r internally so no1 notices, but i know its there and wonder is it linked with the other things,i feel like a freak at times and the popping of bones and jutting of everything can cause sore jaws and head, also occasionally i cant sleep cos im cracking my neck and head or my foot muscle spasms cos i contract too hard.

sorry this was soo long-its just there's alot and i wonder if its all connected. but how do i tell a doc without bombarding her and her thinking im a hypocondriac or sumthing. i want this sorted im tired of holding back, not having a boyfreind, i dont want to be alone, i want to be me, the mood swings r not fun and im starting UNI in a few weeks and have to be able to talk to people. im handling it rite now but on the day i know ill switch off-it makes me not as scared if i just switch off and accept it-blank out the embarressment. any suggestions on what is wrong with me, what shud i do-anywone else like this., plz ans-it will help alot. thanx xox