Think I'm going crazy...rapid testing, need reassurance - Anxiety Message Board

crazytwinkster · 10-18-2006, 04:45 PM

One of my big hypochondriac anxieties is HIV. It comes and goes - I will go for months or even a couple years with no worries and then it resurfaces.

I can't web surf for this info - as you are all aware - surfing usually leads to some bit of info that causes one to freak out. Because of my hypochondria, I have had two HIV rapid tests in the past two years. Both were negative. I am in a monogamous marriage and am expecting a baby in a few weeks. But somehow I am on the brink again of a panic....worrying that maybe both tests were wrong, or that the rapid testing isn't accurate.

Someone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reassure me!! It would be most appreciated. I should mention that I am so ashamed of this particular anxiety that I can't really tell anyone in my "real" life.

Thank you

rachel1982 · 10-18-2006, 05:51 PM

I share the same fear as you. I actually just recently had a baby (he is 9 weeks) and as a standard they test for it and I was seriously so sick to my stomach over it for two days until they called with my results. When they told me it was negative I was so happy and thought to myself, "Why the heck was I even afraid in the first place?" Like you, I am in monogomous marriage and have been for eight years. I have a three year old and was tested then as well, although at that time my anxiety and hypochondriac-ism wasn't nearly as bad as it is now. But a few months later I started with the "what-ifs" as I do with everything.. what if the test was wrong, what if they mixed my blood with someone elses, what if it's just not showing up yet.. etc, etc. I still have panic moments about it when I'm feeling "off" or when I'm super stressed out but I reason with myself and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. But with me, I am always dying of something. My latest obsession has been Leukemia because I can feel a gland in my neck and it's been there for over a year. I have literally requested numerous blood tests be done because I never believe I cannot be sick. And it's getting so bad that I'm starting to obsess over my kid's and husband's health too. It just sucks living like this! I really wish I had some positive reassurance for you but I guess just knowing you aren't alone can help sometimes. And I understand how yo feel about not wanting to talk about it with people because I am the same way. If I say something people may wonder.. why would she be worried about HIV? What has she been doing? I do discuss it with my husband but he is starting to understand my anxiety a bit better lately.

I also think this HIV fear a lot of us share is due to the media. I swear every other commercial is about AIDS. Get tested.. 1 in however many people have it.. dun dun dun... it makes you think.. oh my gosh, what if I touched something and someone else who had it touched it too? Or what if someone and I shook hands they had an open cut and HIV? Or what if the nurse didn't use a clean needle when she drew my blood? See? This is my thought process with everything...

*sigh*

It really is exhausting. Hang in there.

ocdengineer · 10-18-2006, 06:43 PM

Sounds like OCD to me. I have OCD as well and I know how hard it is to reassure yourself that you are OK. My OCD manifests itself differently though, but the idea is the same. The thoughts are the disease not the HIV. In both of your cases I would definitely go to a GP and get a physical and then check out a clinic in your area that speciallizes in OCD. It is a highly treatable illness with a combo of meds and cognitive behavioral therapy. Good luck.

PeskyRabbit · 10-20-2006, 03:50 PM

Hi CrazyTwinkster,

You're not alone! That's exactly what happens to me....I worry about it for months at a time and then the fear goes away for awhile. Then all of a sudden, I'll read something or see something that scares me again and it's back with a vengence. You know what? You had the courage to go get tested, which is so hard with this horrible fear we have. If two tests came back negative, I seriously would not worry anymore.