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Old 10-31-2006, 11:57 AM   #1
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More disturbing thoughts

Well, I had made a post a couple weeks ago. Basically whats going on right now is my mind is latching onto anything that scares me so much that I obsess over these thoughts which leads to depression/confusion. First, I thought I was going insane and that I was going to loose control over my mind. Then, I thought I was going to become a psychotic killer. After that, I thought I was going to have voices appear in my head that would keep bothering me. But for the past 4 days or so, I felt like I was getting so much better. Until last night...

This is going to get a little weird, and I hope nobody gets offended by this- it is a little embarassing posting it though but I just need some opinions. Last night, I was just laying in bed thinking about this girl that I've liked for a few months now. My mind was pretty at ease, except I still knew that I was obsessing over certain thoughts. Then all the sudden, I looked at the TV and I think MTV was on. I saw this gay couple. Guess what I started thinking? "What if I turned gay"?...

Well, I'm 17 years old. I've never had any lust for the same sex, its always been for women. I never even suspected being homosexual. I always hung around with guys and never felt anything towards them, and I always got shy around girls because I knew there was something there.

But then my mind just latched on to this thought, and its been scaring me. It scares me that I'll never like this girl again, I'm scared that I will end up being gay and lose all my friends and never be looked at the same way again. It was bothering me really badly today, but I'm too embarassed to tell anyone about this thought unlike I was with the other thoughts. I still don't have any lust for men right now, but I'm just scared that I'll start to. Similar to when I thought I would become a psychotic killer- I thought "Hmm, I dont want to kill anyone right now, but what if I start to want to"?

Then I was trying to calm myself. If I was homosexual, wouldn't I have known it from lusting after men besides women? It wouldn't happen with an anxiety related thing would it? And if I was gay- wouldn't I have at least known to myself in my head for awhile now? I read somewhere that gay people usually know they have a desire for the same sex right around when puberty starts, they just never choose to tell anyone until their ready.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone- I have no problem with homosexual people, and I know its typical for people to get confused about their sexuality- but what I just wanted to know is if this just sounds like another thing in my anxiety disorder, or if it sounds like it could be something else... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared- because I was so happy thinking that I was going to be with this girl and I thought I was getting better mentally in the past few days, and now these thoughts come from nowhere and its like a dark cloud over my life again. I really hope this is just another anxiety/possible OCD related thing.

Again, I'm sorry if this is too weird for anyone. Its weird for me too, thats why I'm writing it though...

Last edited by McGloogan; 10-31-2006 at 12:37 PM.

 
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Old 10-31-2006, 12:06 PM   #2
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

I'm new to this message board and came across your post. What you have describes OCD exactly. I too have OCD and I've read about your situation a million times. I know that doesn't take away the anxiety you are feeling, but just know that that is what it is...good luck !!!!!

 
Old 10-31-2006, 12:12 PM   #3
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

Thanks, that is what I'm hoping it is. This thought/episode feels exactly like the previous few that I've had except it just deals with a different type of thing.

Tommorow I am actually going to the doctor's to talk about some meds for an anxiety/OCD type problem.

Thanks for your input.

Last edited by ms_mod; 10-31-2006 at 01:56 PM. Reason: Please don't post creditials of yourself, family or friends. Ms_Mod

 
Old 10-31-2006, 02:28 PM   #4
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

Pure OCD. You have just described the exact issues that plagued me and still sometimes to this day. Mine started in 2nd grade and then got stopped in third grade. No symptoms until last year in college and bam. I had all of the horribly disturbing thoughts that you have now. You have to make peace with them. It really is the only way. Through mediatation and allowing the thoughts to come into your head and then practice not caring about the thoughts and let them exit your mind. Practice this daily if you can for 30 minutes in a relaxing place. Purposely think the thoughts and then practice letting them go.

Medication though is also a major player in this disease. I take Xanax daily and probably will for the rest of my days. I would consider talking with you doctor about what meds he recommends. I would be careful with antidepressants for this particular problem because the short term symptoms are worsening of your symptoms and you are probably already at your wits edge. Trust me, man, this disease can eat you alive. If it bothers you, then your mind will think it and continue to do so until you learn to alter the way you think about the intrusive thoughts.

Good luck with your appointment. Hope it all works out.

 
Old 10-31-2006, 05:43 PM   #5
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by ocdengineer
Pure OCD. You have just described the exact issues that plagued me and still sometimes to this day. Mine started in 2nd grade and then got stopped in third grade. No symptoms until last year in college and bam. I had all of the horribly disturbing thoughts that you have now. You have to make peace with them. It really is the only way. Through mediatation and allowing the thoughts to come into your head and then practice not caring about the thoughts and let them exit your mind. Practice this daily if you can for 30 minutes in a relaxing place. Purposely think the thoughts and then practice letting them go.

Medication though is also a major player in this disease. I take Xanax daily and probably will for the rest of my days. I would consider talking with you doctor about what meds he recommends. I would be careful with antidepressants for this particular problem because the short term symptoms are worsening of your symptoms and you are probably already at your wits edge. Trust me, man, this disease can eat you alive. If it bothers you, then your mind will think it and continue to do so until you learn to alter the way you think about the intrusive thoughts.

Good luck with your appointment. Hope it all works out.

Thanks again. I know you definetly gave some good advice in my older thread too. I have definetly been trying to alter the way my mind recieves these thoughts- but its just hard because it just gets scary like... "What if the thoughts ARE true"- that always runs through my head then it seems to get worse. But I'm really trying to fight it. Its so weird- at the same time, this all makes perfect sense and no sense at all. I realize the reasons that I started to be afraid of this. But in general I just can't stop thinking that its going to happen- which is EXACTLY what happened with the other thoughts (going insane, becoming a killer, thinking i'll start to hear voices in my head), I just kept having the thoughts over and over and my mind was almost CONVINCED that they would come true- but they didnt.

The thing I really wanted to know is- if someone WAS gay, wouldn't there be speculation about it in early puberty? Because from what I've read thats usually when people find out that they are but they just choose to reveal it at different times in their life. I mean if a male has been attracted to women for years, its not like that can just... stop, right?

I'm sorry I know this all sounds really pathetic but I just turn into a nervous wreck over this and again I'm not trying to offend anyone who is homosexual or to scare anyone that is also insecure about their sexuality at the moment.

Last edited by ms_mod; 10-31-2006 at 06:01 PM.

 
Old 10-31-2006, 05:48 PM   #6
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by ocdengineer
I had all of the horribly disturbing thoughts that you have now. You have to make peace with them. It really is the only way. Through mediatation and allowing the thoughts to come into your head and then practice not caring about the thoughts and let them exit your mind..

Thats how I got my previous thoughts before this one to go away. I know, it does take time. But once a certain thought goes away, another seems to pop into my head. But I guess thats the part that the meds have to take care of, right?

 
Old 10-31-2006, 07:45 PM   #7
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

Honestly, I never found drug that got rid of the horrible thoughts. Xanax took away a lot of the anxiety that I got as a result of the thoughts though and allowed me to be able to handle them rationally. Since I wasn't wiggin out everytime something popped into my head, the thought was easier to dismiss. It is strange how that works.

I don't want to discourage you at all, but I still have thoughts from time to time to this day even with medicine. There is no "all singing, all dancing" cure for this dissorder, however, with meds and practice dealing with the thoughts you can learn to live with the dissorder. I am 29 now and have a wife, a good job, an 11 month child, and another on the way, so you can live a productive and semi-normal life.

The Xanax for me was a godsend and meditation and mindfulness were the two methods I choose to eliminate the thoughts. {REMOVED} I have been dealing with this dissorder since the 2nd grade, so I have been down most medication roads and the only one that I have been able to tolerate due to side-effects was Xanax.

Let us know how your appointment goes.

Take care

Last edited by ms_mod; 10-31-2006 at 08:19 PM. Reason: Don't post the names of other websites or give "how to" search instructions on how to find them. Ms_Mod

 
Old 11-01-2006, 06:53 AM   #8
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

Just got back from the appointment. The doctor was so proud that I now realize what it is and that I'm not scared its a health related issue.

I'm starting on Lexapro 10 mg, we'll see how it goes.

 
Old 11-01-2006, 01:21 PM   #9
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

I have been reading the threads mcgloogan and just wanted to say im glad you know the issue now and to wish you much luck/

 
Old 11-01-2006, 05:08 PM   #10
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

Thanks. Yes, I do realize the problem now but that doesn't mean I'm not havin trouble with it, unfortunately.

Today unfortunately these thoughts were getting worse. Anytime I was watching TV and a male appeared who is supposed to look "handsome" I would start questioning myself over and over. I never did this before, and I know its just the OCD thats doing it but its so scary and its difficult. I know the first thing your supposed to do is become comfortable with the thoughts, but its so hard to become comfortable when your so confused and worried.

Last edited by ms_mod; 11-01-2006 at 06:00 PM.

 
Old 11-01-2006, 05:32 PM   #11
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

I applaude you for your honesty McGloogan your are very brave for airing your thoughts so openly. What you are experiencing is totally OCD nothing more nothing less. 20 years ago when i developed or rather had my first anxiety issues due to leaving home for the first time school pressures are what brought it on etc ...
I was so open to suggestion in my anxious state, i had a so called friend who in my weakened state of mind off-handedly suggested that maybe i was gay...this was furthest from my mind as i have never ever felt this way. However my mind latched onto this thought and it consumed me... why this "friend" said this was probly her own hangups about her own sexuality no clue. However the problem manifested itself and it took a long time to shake it off. Obtrusive thoughts can only be combated with the exact reversal of what it is that upsets you. Positive reinforcement by using not only medication but using good and positive affirmations everyday are the way to go.
I am married and my wife and i are "activley" trying to have kids. At the end of the day you know in your heart who you are. Your the same person you were before the intrusive thoughts came along. You just have to push them away and discard them. How you are to this is up to you, best way i deal with intrusive thoughts is to realize that they are not real and are brought on by my OCD/Anxiety. Its hard to believe sometimes that if i have a negitive thought how can it not be real. The human mind is a play ground for negitive thoughts. The real trick is dicarding the negitive for the positive and that truly believing the positive thought whole heartily

good luck...keep us posted

Last edited by ms_mod; 11-01-2006 at 07:22 PM.

 
Old 11-01-2006, 06:36 PM   #12
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

Thanks so much for sharing your story. That really gave me alot of hope and confidence. I will keep posting (in case people haven't already noticed that I have been haha).

Last edited by ms_mod; 11-01-2006 at 07:21 PM.

 
Old 11-01-2006, 06:38 PM   #13
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

I wish you luck as well. The last person who posted was absolutely correct. OCD is just your mind getting attached to a thought others would simply dismiss. Since this is the beginning of your journeyto recovery I want to applaud your willingness to try meds, but also let you know that more than meds will be needed in this journey. Consider relaxation techniques and meditation to strengthen your ability to control the thought intrusions and don't be discouraged if the first medication doesn't work. They all work differently in every person, so it may take some time to find the correct match for you personally. I assure you, you are not gay, a murderer, or psychotic. You simply have a much lower threshold for stress. Good luck to you and keep us updated with your progress.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 04:07 AM   #14
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

I dont know guys... I hate to say it but I'm really starting to loose hope.

I know its only been a little over 3 days that I've been having these thoughts, but I really don't want to be gay or even bi... I dont know why these thoughts had to come to me... I can't even look at a member of the same sex without having my mind wonder "Am I going to get aroused by this"?, or look at a member of the opposite sex and have my mind go thinking "I better start getting aroused or else I might be gay"... I was perfectly happy with how I was, I felt like I was getting better and that I was going to start a new life, and now this hits... And I feel like I'll never be straight again. I hate to say it but this really does push alot of depression thoughts.

What exactly is Lexapro supposed to do? I'm only on 5mg right now (for the first two days, tonight I take the 10mg), and I know that won't do much. But is it supposed to help for stuff like this? Will CBT help out alot with this? Because I need something really soon...

Last edited by ms_mod; 11-03-2006 at 06:24 AM.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 07:15 AM   #15
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Re: More disturbing thoughts

Hi there,

I am new to this board but this thread caught my eye. I have the same exact thing you have. I actually started crying because I thought I was the only one. I have horrible thoughts and I cant seem to shake them. I dwell on them all the time and it makes it worse. Then I get anxiety attacks from worrying so much. Man it is nice to know I am not the only one that is going through this. I need to learn how to make these thoughts go away. If I dont I am going to drive myself insane! I hope you feel better, dont worry you arent gay or bi its just your mind messing with you. {REMOVED}
~Lyndsey

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Last edited by ms_mod; 11-03-2006 at 11:42 AM.

 
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