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Old 12-12-2006, 07:55 AM   #1
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rbecca HB User
HELP..anxiety has sucked the life right out of me

A little about me,I am almost 35 and have had anxiety issues since I was a child- I didn't really know what the feeling was and in the 2nd grade, I couldn't describe it either. Anyway almost 7 years ago I finally HAD to see someone about it, I had gone from feeling anxious to total panic attacks at the drop of a hat.
I started seing a doctor that I had known for years because I didn't want to admit it to anyone else.Eventually she had to send me to a psychiatrist though. I have always been involved in everything,as a kid,teenager,friend,co-worker,mother,etc...and was having serious problems being around people-me the social butterfly- a cocoon sounded much better.
I tried all the meds that there were for anxiety and even some that were a stretch, like mood stabalizers/anti seizure meds. Almost everything made me sick,but finally was med managed enough to exist -still in my own way-never back to "normal", always having to have an escape plan back to my "safe place" or whatever.
I do miss having things the way they were before But I have tried everything to get over this,and I guess now I'm starting to see that I'm slowly just giving up. I have 2 teenagers,my oldest is Autistic (high functioning), and I love them with all of my heart, but I find myself just letting them do as they please,even making their own dinner. I never go to schools unless there is an emergency I always find a way to communicate with their school for conferences or IEP meetings via conference call or email.
I don't work anymore,I haven't since 2003. I have tried but just can't be around the other people or confined in the office. There is a flicker in me somewhere that still wants to get back out there,but it seems to be burried deep down. I have shut out all of my former friends, not really on purpose I don't think,but they are all gone. Thank God my parents live close or I would have nobody to talk to.
I feel that I have been fighting this for so long that I should have gotten over it by now, or at least have it controlled and I guess that kind of ticks me off.
-I have always been a neat freak- now my apartment is a mess.I'll do the laundry,but never put it in the dressers or closets.The dishes get done when we are out of clean ones.
-I have always been the one that everyone calls for help or a shoulder to cry on- now even if I did have friends left I probebly would make up an excuse to not have to leave the house.
-I used to have a nice house,everyone had their own room & bathroom, big backyard,nice new car- now a 1bdrm apartment.
-I used to have a schedule for every day, for all of us,like dinner,baths/showers,queit time then bed- now I may go a week or more without a shower,the kids still take care of themselves thankfully.I don't even put on makeup anymore unless I actually go somewhere and sometimes people around the apt complex don't even recognize me.
-I get up in the morning to make sure the kids are ready for school and walk my son to his bus,he can't be left unattended for saftey reasons,but after I get him on the schoolbus I come back inside and pretty much sit on my behind,either at the TV or the computer. Then I wait until what I feel is a reasonable hour (like noon) to take my BP med and look forward to a very long nap until the kids come home.
That is my goal of the day... a nap

I want to get better, I guess I just don't want to have to do anything about it, just wake up one morning and be NORMAL again. I do take meds/and have a shrink for med mgmt- If I told him this he'd freak out and D/C what I'm on ( a strong narcotic at a high dose,but it used to be even higher so I don't think that's the issue,I'm the issue) and I don't want the withdrawl thing again, I've done it before by choice,in the hospital because I didn't want to be on a narc,but I didn't do well after being weaned off of it and the doc put me right back on it.(It was a different doc)

I know that this is long and I'm sorry, I guess I want to know if I'm the only one of us here that feels like I do, hopeless and un-motivated (NOT suicidal). Please share, I would appreciate it

Last edited by rbecca; 12-12-2006 at 07:56 AM.

 
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Old 12-12-2006, 10:48 AM   #2
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cecropia HB User
Re: HELP..anxiety has sucked the life right out of me

I just read your post becca. I feel so bad for you. I was 40 when I had to quit my job and I've never been able to go back to work just little jobs here and there once in awhile, mostly helping friends out and they would pay me. I especially feel so sad when I read about mothers struggling alone because my husband was able to take care of me and he worked extra overtime to make up for my loss of wages. Now, 14 years later I'm on my third episode with depression and anxiety and this time I'm not fighting it, I'm just letting it run it's course and taking my medication. I just came from my doc, had to get refills. You sound so depressed and I just wish I could give you a big hug.

Everywhere around me my family and friends are coming down with depression and unbearable anxiety. What is going on??? The age for this is so young now it makes me want to cry. I hope you find some comfort in these help forums, just reading about others trying to cope also and some of their solutions. Maybe you are fighting it too hard. Trying to get better and never looking back sometimes isn't the answer. Accepting it and knowing it's a life long illness and not feeling guilty about it worrying about what other people think could help you feel better and hopefully one day you will find the right medication that will help.

Please keep trying.

Last edited by cecropia; 12-12-2006 at 10:52 AM.

 
Old 12-12-2006, 02:18 PM   #3
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rbecca HB User
Re: HELP..anxiety has sucked the life right out of me

Thank you for the kind words

I will have insurance in January and have to find a new Dr. so maybe they'll have some sugestions as well. I can cope w/ the anxiety if I'm at home with the meds I take, but if I have to go out .. forget it. And yes, especially after I re-read what I wrote above it describes a rather pathetic depressed state

Thanks,becca

 
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