A little about me,I am almost 35 and have had anxiety issues since I was a child- I didn't really know what the feeling was and in the 2nd grade, I couldn't describe it either. Anyway almost 7 years ago I finally HAD to see someone about it, I had gone from feeling anxious to total panic attacks at the drop of a hat.
I started seing a doctor that I had known for years because I didn't want to admit it to anyone else.Eventually she had to send me to a psychiatrist though. I have always been involved in everything,as a kid,teenager,friend,co-worker,mother,etc...and was having serious problems being around people-me the social butterfly- a cocoon sounded much better.
I tried all the meds that there were for anxiety and even some that were a stretch, like mood stabalizers/anti seizure meds. Almost everything made me sick,but finally was med managed enough to exist -still in my own way-never back to "normal", always having to have an escape plan back to my "safe place" or whatever. I do miss having things the way they were before
But I have tried everything to get over this,and I guess now I'm starting to see that I'm slowly just giving up. I have 2 teenagers,my oldest is Autistic (high functioning), and I love them with all of my heart, but I find myself just letting them do as they please,even making their own dinner. I never go to schools unless there is an emergency I always find a way to communicate with their school for conferences or IEP meetings via conference call or email.
I don't work anymore,I haven't since 2003. I have tried but just can't be around the other people or confined in the office. There is a flicker in me somewhere that still wants to get back out there,but it seems to be burried deep down. I have shut out all of my former friends, not really on purpose I don't think,but they are all gone. Thank God my parents live close or I would have nobody to talk to.
I feel that I have been fighting this for so long that I should have gotten over it by now, or at least have it controlled and I guess that kind of ticks me off.
-I have always been a neat freak- now my apartment is a mess.I'll do the laundry,but never put it in the dressers or closets.The dishes get done when we are out of clean ones.
-I have always been the one that everyone calls for help or a shoulder to cry on- now even if I did have friends left I probebly would make up an excuse to not have to leave the house.
-I used to have a nice house,everyone had their own room & bathroom, big backyard,nice new car- now a 1bdrm apartment.
-I used to have a schedule for every day, for all of us,like dinner,baths/showers,queit time then bed- now I may go a week or more without a shower,the kids still take care of themselves thankfully.I don't even put on makeup anymore unless I actually go somewhere and sometimes people around the apt complex don't even recognize me.
-I get up in the morning to make sure the kids are ready for school and walk my son to his bus,he can't be left unattended for saftey reasons,but after I get him on the schoolbus I come back inside and pretty much sit on my behind,either at the TV or the computer. Then I wait until what I feel is a reasonable hour (like noon) to take my BP med and look forward to a very long nap until the kids come home. That is my goal of the day... a nap
I want to get better, I guess I just don't want to have to do anything about it, just wake up one morning and be NORMAL again. I do take meds/and have a shrink for med mgmt- If I told him this he'd freak out and D/C what I'm on ( a strong narcotic at a high dose,but it used to be even higher so I don't think that's the issue,I'm the issue
) and I don't want the withdrawl thing again, I've done it before by choice,in the hospital because I didn't want to be on a narc,but I didn't do well after being weaned off of it and the doc put me right back on it.(It was a different doc)
I know that this is long and I'm sorry, I guess I want to know if I'm the only one of us here that feels like I do, hopeless and un-motivated (NOT suicidal)
. Please share, I would appreciate it