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Old 01-02-2007, 06:12 PM   #1
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ILiveForMyKIDS HB User
What's next. How much more can I deal with?

-Warning. This is complicated and long. Don't feel like you have to read.-

This might be VERY long, but it's taken quite a while for me to be able to express myself. A little history. I'm young. Have 2 kids, and a wife. I'm working in construction through a small company I own. Decided that construction in wasn't for me. So I decided to go back to school. I'm almost done with school {REMOVED}

A bit more of history. Come from a very broken family. I'm a perfectionist. I have some OCD. A christian. And try to live very morally upright.

I was already stressed out, majorly. Working, School, Family, remodeling our house, kids, medical problems. The whole works. It was difficult, but I was getting through.

More history. Part of my perfection and OCD problem is when I was dating I wouldn't date someone that wasn't a virgin, because I was waiting until I was married, and I expected the same appreciation.

My wife and I have only been with each other.

After non-stop going. Things started changing. My wife started dressing better for no reason. Stopped talking about what she was doing during the day. I would catch her in lies. Very little lies, but very constant lies.

After coming home. Coming down my street I could tell something wasn't going to be right.

When I got home. I usually knock, and my wife lets me in. This time, I was very curious, so I snuck in really quitely. My wife wasn't trying to call someone on her phone. I completely caught her off guard as she didn't know I was in the house. LONG story short I found out she cheated on me.

I couldn't hardly breathe. It's funny in a way, {REMOVED} you know that panic attacks aren't going to kill you, and usually they reside fairly shortly. Yeah, well, helping someone through one, and having on are completely DIFFERENT. I have a new sympathy.

I went outside, crying on the ground. Fell to my knees. My world just crashed in. I felt like everything I worked for and was working for had suddenly just been earased. I layed on the concrete driveway, concentrating on breathing. To make matters work. I have asmtha. So I started getting an asmtha attack in the middle of all this. The "impending doom" factor starting sinking in. On several occasions I almost called an ambulance, but that was last resort.

After a few hours of this most depressing part of my life, I decided enough was enough. I drove myself to the ER (bad idea in the state of mind I was in) and told them I needed ativan or xanax immediately. I was crying, hysterical, demanding, and probably hostile. I couldn'thardly tell them what was going on, other than I needed a benzo. The doctor finally came in, and I barely got the words out. She gave me ativan. 0.25 mg PO. I was more ******. 0.25 mg wasn't going to do {REMOVED}how upset I was. I don't go to the ER for nothing. I asked them to admit me into the hospital as I was going crazy and couldn't control my emotions, and didn't know how I was going to respond. They said unless your suicidal or homicidal we can't admit me. Made me more ******. I was already upset. I was asking for help, and felt completely abondoned. She gave me a prescription for xanax, and sent me on my way. I left the ER, crying more. I felt so low. So hurt. Like nothing. That all the work, love, and energy was such a waste.

Went to walgreens. Got my 0.5 mg Xanax. 20 of them. Take 1 every 4 hours. Yeah. Well. It didn't do anything. I was still hysterical. Called my primary and his partner returned my call promtly. Told me to take 4 xanx 2.0mg and wait 20 minutes. And take up to 4 mg. He said after that, call an ambulance. I could hardly talk to him.

Later that day..................Called up my therapist I was seeing about insomnia. She knew my history, and the stress, and everything, and new this was something I just couldn't handle. She called the ins company, the hospital and an ambulance. They admitted me in the "phscy" ward.

Basically they sedated the crap out of me. Which is probably what I needed. I felt like a little kid being in the hospital. Went from being the man in charge, to being told when I could eat, shower, etc. I'm not going into more and more detail, bc nobody will read this if I continue on forever.

Here's the thing.
These are the meds I have:
I don't take all of these daily. But I have Albuterol for asmtha. Ambien for times when I really can't sleep.

New meds:
Prozac 30mg per day
Tradadone 100mg at night
Xanax 0.5mg Three times a day
Lamictal 100mg in the morning 100mg at night

Ok. So now I go from a person who doesn't like to take tylenlol for a headache to completley drugged.

I've been on this stuff for a few months now. The first time I'm able to really think and talk about it. I got sick last night, and ended up not taking my lamictal. Today I feel so much more alive. I can think! I'm a person! Usually I'm so just blah............and I used to be entrepuner type. Completely different midset.

I'm not looking for sympathy. Mostly needed to express my emotions.
I am looking for someone, if there is who takes a simialry regimen of drugs, and how it works for them. I think the prozac and xanax is good. But that lamictal just makes me so numb, which I know it's what's it's supposed to do. Its hard to enjoy life. I have to babies, and they mean the world to me, and I would like to be able to enjoy them more then I've been able to. Being numb is good when your really angry. So you dron't do anything you might regret. Although it's good in that aspect, it's destroying me in others. So far it's a lose lose situation. I know the pharmacolgoy, interactions, side effects and all that medical stuff. But I want real life, real people information not what receptors and enzymes bind to what.

Don't feel sorry for me, as today is probably one of the best days I've felt in a very long time. If you could give me information on how you feel with the drugs it would be GREATLY apprecaited.

I strive for perfection. Therapist says to try to settle for a B instead of a 100%, so I'm not going to edit this, and try to get a "B" so sorry for grammer errors. Typing this isn't the easiest thing to do.

If you read all this. Thank You. If you didn't. I understand. It's long. I pray for everyone out there with struggles in their life. I'm usually the one helping others. This time, I really need the help.

Thank you.
J

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Old 01-03-2007, 09:50 AM   #2
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SoccerDad HB User
Re: What's next. How much more can I deal with?

I'm a Christian, too. I applaud your efforts to start your marriage in purity. Your wife did a horrible thing to you (and your children) by cheating on you. Just out of curiosity, do you ever forsee not necessarily reconciliation but at least forgiveness for your wife for what she did to you? I know how difficult it would be, but I was just thinking that forgiveness might be a big step in helping yourself.

We can't control the actions of others, no matter how close they are to us. People change, but God is constant. It's hard to keep in mind sometimes that the actions of other can't affect our relationship with God. Nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:35-39).

I have Panic Disorder. I don't take a similar regimen of drugs, but I take .75 mg of Clonazepam twice daily to take the edge off, and it seems to work OK (sometimes better than others). I have some .25 mg Xanax for the occasional "break-through" anxiety.

There's nothing wrong with a "B" now and then, for that matter a "C" will do as well. I don't think God cares about the temporary stuff in our lives.

I have some favorite scriptures that talk about anxiety: John 16:33, Romans 8:15-17, 2 Corinthians 1:8,9, Philippians 4:6,7, and 1 Peter 5:7. I have them written out on a sheet of paper, and they help me feel better when things aren't going well.

Best of luck and God bless you! There are plenty of us out here who care about you.

 
Old 01-03-2007, 08:01 PM   #3
aub aub is offline
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Re: What's next. How much more can I deal with?

ILiveForMyKIDS---I hope that you get to feeling better. I don't take any of the medications that you are refering to but just wanted to encourage you to not give up things will get better it always seems the darkest before the light. I know that God has a plan for your life no matter what you are going through right now God will bring you out on the other side in a much better place.

SoccerDad---Thank you for the scriptures I had a couple of them aready but the others were great also.

 
Old 01-03-2007, 08:24 PM   #4
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Re: What's next. How much more can I deal with?

I suggest you get off the Lamictal and the Tradadone. The one is for Bipolar dissorder which you aren't. You are just a guy who had the rug pulled out from under his feet. Most people without anxiety dissorders would have major anxiety with what you went through. I would think the Prozac and Xanax would be more than sufficient to control the Anxiety and Panic associated with OCD. I am not an advocate for taking handfulls of drugs even though some people need them, it becomes hard to distinguish which drug is doing what. You have Prozac which is an antidepressant which should help some with the OCD however Luvox is the standard drug for OCD, but if it is working don't mess with it, and Xanax which is the best antianxiety med out there. I take only Xanax for my OCD and it is all I need. I take 2-2.5 mg per day, but most days 2 mg is sufficient.

I can't say that I have ever had that kind of event in my life, but I do know that a person heals from things like these over time. SoccerDad had a great idea and that would be to forgive your wife. I don't think I would work towards reconciliation, but forgiveness is absolutely necesarry for your mental health.

Talk to your doctor and explain how much better you felt when you missed that dose and see if you can eliminate some of the drugs. You are on a LOT of drugs that, in my non-doctoral opinion, are not needed. See if you can wean yourself off of some of them and work on forgiving your wife.

I hope all works out for you!
OE

 
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