Trouble functioning in groups? - Anxiety Message Board

Marie21 · 02-14-2007, 06:59 AM

Hi everyone. I am a college student and I think i have had anxiety issues on and off all my life. Growing up I was very shy. I didn't even talk in front of other people when I was in Kindegarten. It has been a long struggle... and I have come a long way since then. I think that my shyness has dissipated quite a bit, however I have trouble functioning in group situations. I am very good one on one or in a group of 3... but the more people who join the group, the quieter and more shutdown I become. If it is my family or a group of people I am very, very close to it is different. I don't know what is wrong with. My whole life I have gotten cues from other people that there is somthing wrong with me and that being shy is a bad thing. When I was little and in school, I remember one teacher making me stand in the corner. Other kids would always ask me why I was so quiet. My own partents would ask me if I talked to anyone in school when I got home or if I was a stick-in-the-mud. They would also call me a bump-on-a-log. As I got older, there were times when in social group situations i thought I was doing fine.... but then someone always has to loudly remark that "this girl over here doesn't even talk!" And they say it like they are mad about it.

It hurts because I have come such a long way from when I didn't even talk at all and couldn't even look people in the eye to where I am now. And I did it all on my own. No one seems to understand that. When someone points this out or makes comments about how inadequite I am, it makes me withdraw even more. I am not a loud person or a party person. I am introverted and would rather read a book, than be out with a large group of people. However, most people think of this as some sort of charecter flaw.

I guess the point of this rant is that I am in this class at school where each day we have to form new groups and do group activites for the duration of the class. This is a required class, so there is no getting out of it. I don't know how I am going to get through this and I was wondering if anyone else has this problum and could offer me some support?

When I we break up into groups in this small classroom to do an activity... all the groups meet in the same room and it becomes very noisy. This is very distracting to me and I have trouble concentrating. One person reads the paper with the instuctions. I somtimes have trouble understading instructions read orally... I need to read them on my own. Then there are always a few loud people in the group who take over and it is hard to get a word in edgewise. Also, i am extremly soft-spoken... so it is hard to hear me when in these situations. Then, it never fails one group member will get there nose out of joint that I am not giving input and make a comment in my direction

... so I will start to say something... with my soft-spoken voice... and then the other group members who are not very good at listening will drown me out and no one will hear what I am saying anyway.

I know this probably sounds like I am being a baby.... but, no one understands my problums... because they are all extroverted. When I am in this class all my energy is drained. Its like my brain processes things differently than other people. It takes me longer to think about things and come up with the words I want to say. While I am doing this the other people are answering the questions at a rapid pace.

Does anyone else have this problum or know any coping skills? I have tried talking to teachers about my issues before to see if they could make any special accomodations for me... but the response I have always gotten is that I need to grow up. They dont say that, but that is what I got out of it.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thank you!

smurfy33 · 02-14-2007, 08:11 AM

Marie21 - I had the same problem all through school. I hated having to get into groups. I usually had 1 friend in my class and if that person wasn't there, I was lost. I was always picked last when we had to pick teams and that was so embarassing. Once I got out into the working world, things changed for the most part. I was working at a place where I was friends with just about everyone and that was great. Now I work at a place where most of us work from home and we don't even know each other. I know my boss and a few other people and that is it. So when we go in for a big meeting, I usually go in by myself and nobody talks to me. I don't feel as bad as I did when I was a kid in school but it still feels uncomfortable at times. I don't really have any words of advice, but I wanted you to know there is nothing wrong with you. I think as time goes on and you feel more confident in yourself, you will become more outgoing. This is just your personality and if people don't like it, that is their problem. Take care.

Trixibel · 02-14-2007, 04:17 PM

You poor thing. First of all, there's nothing wrong with you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being introverted. For some reason in our western culture being loud and extroverted is seen as a good thing - don't know why - maybe people think that it denotes confidence but it doesn't, necessarily. Some of the loudest people are the most insecure.

Sounds like you grew up in a family of extroverts who didn't really 'get' you. I'm like you. i'd rather read a book or listen to music. And so would my eldest son. He's very quiet as well. Introverts commonly prefer to interact with one or two people, and tend to shut down in a large group. This is not a 'problem' or a 'bad thing' it's a characteristic of introverts.

Working in groups can be difficult at uni. i've just finished a course at uni and there was lots of group work and there was always someone quieter who never seemed to speak much and I always used to worry that we were talking over her. It's often a good idea in these situations to go round each person at a time and give them the opportunity to speak. Thus everyone gets to talk and everyone gets to listen to each other.

Marie , if you're worried that you may have some sort of focusing or learning problem then see someone about it. Find out. Some kids are being picked up nowadays with something called 'auditory processing disorder' where they find it hard to hear the teacher if there's lots of noise going on around them - they can't 'pick out' individual sounds from the general noise.

You're not being a baby and you're not inadequate. Don't let anyone make you think you are. Try to work in the smallest group possible (when I was at uni they might ask us to form groups of five, but if there was one group of four then it was ok) and suggest that everyone get a turn to speak.

I think it will get easier for you as you get older but definitely go and talk to someone if you're worried. Often the help we need is out there, it's just a matter of looking for it. You owe it to yourself. Often we've got to be our own best friend and our own advocate. No one knows us as well as we know ourselves. The uni should be helping you. It's their job to help you feel comfortable and function at your best.

Good luck.

Smurfy33 I was always picked last for teams too - sucked, didn't it? Teachers don't get kids to pick teams now, thank goodness, they just number them off. Talk about the way to trash a kid's self esteem!! that team picking. it makes my blood boil even now

Therag · 02-15-2007, 07:50 AM

I can relate to what you are saying. I remember in primary school it was a Sunday and me my sister were going to a chapel gathering, with two sisters(one who was my age) in their mothers car. The sister who I was in school with commented- ''ugh he never says anything!'' as if I had done a crime or something. If I did talk they would make fun of me, so what could I do?

I hate it when people ask me what's wrong with me, why I'm quiet. The answer is; it's because I AM QUIET! People who comment on it only makes me more introverted.

I've just started a new job this week and I feel I can't talk to anyone. I'm not nervous of people it's just that I just don't know how to start conversations with new people.

Marie21 · 02-15-2007, 02:35 PM

smurfy33~thank you for your reply. It is good to know that there are other people who can relate to what I am going through. I hope things get better once I graduate and get a job. Right now having to participate in this class is torture. Just yesterday this girl I sit next too kept jabbing me with her pencil all through class asking me if I wanted her to raise her hand and tell the teacher that I had somthing I wanted to say. She was basically picking on me because I wasn't joining in on the class discussion. I was trying to pay attention and listen though! There were other people just listening too. I don't know why I am always being picked on?