lovethemusic

I feel like i have been going crazy (no pun intended) for a long time.
I have a lot to say, just because i think it will make me feel better...so if you aren't in the mood for a long post, just skip this one.
I feel confused, angry and depressed. but i haven't felt this way for very long. just a few months ago is when it started.

i moved to kentucky 5 years ago...and just last december, my mom moved here too. i really wanted her to move here because she has a lot of health problems, and although she takes care of herself just fine. i knew it would help out if i could help run errands for her and do things for her here and there. the doctors are better here, too, than in West Virginia, which is where we came from.

everything was great at first. i loved being able to go see her on my lunchbreak, having dinner together, seeing her everyday...she's my best friend and i dont know what i would do without her. but after she has been here a couple months, she is starting to drive me nuts. not in the conventional mother-daughter way, either. she is a nervous wreck all the time. and its rubbing off on me. she suffers from non alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver, anxiety, depression, low self esteem, and she is overweight. she always had an anxiety problem, but lately it has been severe, and i don't think she realizes it. ill go to visit her on my lunchbreak, and we will be sitting on the couch,and she will be shaking a leg, smoking a cigarette, and biting her nails all at the same time. she will talk about one thing, and in a matter of seconds she has covered 10 different topics. when she starts talking about one thing, she just keeps going on and on about everything negative that she has to deal with . she worries about many things, and some of them barely have a chance of happening. she has become ultra sensitive and takes EVERYTHING personally. I dont know how to handle her, and i dont know how to handle the feelings ive been having while i am around her (anger, guilt, sadness).

i understand that she suffers physically and mentally, and i can understand that. i want to help her in anyway i can. but its hard to do this when i feel so angry about her all the time. her nervouseness makes me a nervous wreck. it is making every aspect of my life diffcult. i feel guilty spending time with friends and significant other because i feel i should be with mom, but when i am with my mom, i feel unhappy.

am i being selfish? can someone help me? i feel so confused, and i can't talk to her about it because she takes everything so personally, and will think she is a burden to me, but thats not true. i miss being able to be happy and carefree around her, i miss being myself around her. does anyone understand? its almost like my feelings toward her are resentful, but i know she cant help it.

maybe this doesnt make sense, but it feels better to actually tell someone about how i feel. any advice, comments are appreciated. thanks.
Sara