Amidst the fun of childhood, I knew there were money troubles. I lived with one parent, the other had cowardly run away and the purse strings were tight. A grandparent moved in to help, then some years later, the grandparent needed the help. Money grew tighter and stress grew on all sides. Years later, the grandparent passed, the parent and I had good times and some not so good ones.
A few years ago, the parent moved in with me as we both had some money problems and it's mostly worked. Recently the parent's health has declined and I see the full circle of the past. Stress is full time now. Always worried if I can pay the rent or keep the lights on. The parent knows things are hard, even knows how upset I get but I still try to hide the worst of it. I cry a lot, in the shower, the car, when the parent cannot see.
I screen all calls and jump at the sound of a heavy truck, fearing the repo man. I haven't slept well in years and find it hard to stay focused during the day. I haven't been able to find a better paying job. I feel unqualified in too many situations. There is so much I still want to accomplish but it seems there is no time, money or any reason.
I have very few outside relationships, never go anywhere. I may be needed at home. I'm even too afraid to tell my doctor I need help - how nuts is that. Sometimes I really feel like I'm losing it and then there are days I feel a little more in control but lately those days are harder to find. Maybe I just needed to get it out, maybe it will help some, something has to.