Questioning Every Decision
Hi. I'm new here but not new to anxiety. I can remember back as early as third grade agonizing over every decision and feeling like every missed opportunity was going to be the end of the world. Now at 40 rationally I know better but the feelings of absolute panic and anxiety are the same.
I'm in a long distance relationship which is tough on anyone, but with my anxiety it is a killer. Trying to decide between visits if we should continue to see each other, if one of us should move across country to be with the other, if we could really make it long term, etc etc. Every time we make plans to see each other I get so filled with anxiety that I almost cancel.
I also do animal rescue. I have two dogs of my own but I'm currently fostering a 7 month old dog for a week. I foster fairly often and although I get attached, I can usually let them go, knownig that i have more than enough animals and that this one isn't right for me. This guy has touched me in a way that few ever do. He's a St Bernard mix and is so gentle and intelligent. He's like a sponge, learning more every day and so grateful for every bit of attention. He's big and goofy and loving and I'm so very taken with him that I can't stand that thought of him going to another home. I rent a room to a woman who loves animals as well and she helps me immensely with mine, but she admits that adding this one would be too much.
Tomorrow I leave for my boyfriend's. Today is killing me. I keep thinking that if I didn't go on my trip I could stay home and not take the dog back. My roommate has enough on her hands taking care of my two dogs and the cats that are here. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to take care of a foster dog while I'm gone. So instead of being excited about 16 days with the man I love, I'm worried that I'm making all the wrong decisions by taking the dog back to his original foster home, by going away for that many days, for leaving my roommate to take care of my place, etc etc.
This questioning of every decision and horrible anxiety is really affecting my life. I used to be a happy person most of the time and only felt anxious a couple of times a year when a big decision would come up. Then I went through several family illnesses, deaths, and my own divorce from 2002 - 2005 and since then it seems like as soon as one anxiety-causing issue is resolved it is replaced with another.
For example, I worry that if my guy and I get married as we've discussed that I'll realize it was a mistake and will have to go through another divorce. My divorce almost devastated me. But my boyfriend understands exactly how my mind works and is able to be patient and work through these fears with me. So I'm starting to learn to lean on him and accept his support. Then I worry that he will get tired of my anxiety and that will ruin our relationship and I'll lose him, leading to another divorce. My mind never stops running through these scenerios. I don't trust my judgement on anything.
Then when I decide that I want to go spend a significant amount of time with my boyfriend and we book a 15 day trip for me to go there I meet this wonderful dog who makes me laugh and is so wonderful. To go see my boyfriend means giving this guy up.
I just want some peace and happiness. It makes me want to stop reaching out and trying to find relationships or to help animals. Staying to myself would be much easier.
Last edited by becks68; 08-15-2008 at 06:43 AM.