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Old 09-12-2008, 12:26 PM   #1
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Jaxxon28 HB User
I can't live my life like this.

I know I have severe anxiety problems, but have been taking steps to correct them (I recently started seeing a psychologist, have been trying to read more self-help books, etc). I had been doing pretty well, after my last "issue" where I was sure I had heart problems, etc. Things had been going pretty well for the past few weeks, I had been doing things to help overcome my social anxiety, then I started having some headaches. Nothing that serious, so I didn't worry about them.

Well, then I noticed that I was sort of forgetting words, and losing focus, and almost getting mentally "tongue-tied." That freaked me out, since it was something that was going on in my mind, so of course I took that to the worst case scenario, and just knew that I had a brain tumor. I went from not worrying, to scheduling a doctor's appointment next week, to calling back several times a day to see if they had any cancellations so I could move my appointment to this week.

Well, I went to see the doctor and told her the problems I was having, and told her that I was worried it might be a tumor. She did the usual basic checkup, where she looked into my pupils with a light, and checked my eye movement, and checked to see if I could do certain movements (smile, shrug my shoulders, etc). She said everything looked normal, and she saw no swelling when she looked into my pupils, and of course said that I didn't really exhibit the signs of a brain tumor.

I felt a little better, but not really, since I was still having these mental changes, where I was mixing up words, etc. I was literally worrying myself sick earlier, feeling as though I was about to throw up, and having a weird feeling in my mouth where it felt like it was seizing up so I couldn't swallow correctly.

I know that my panic attacks sent me to the emergency room before, and it about sent me again. I was going to go so they could do an MRI or CT to relieve my worries, hoping that if the reason my mind is so jumbled up right now is because I am making it worse by worrying, hopefully finding out nothing is wrong will make me feel better.

I just can't live like this, though. It's so awful. I am wasting my life away with anxiety and worrying about death. I can't afford to keep doing this, neither financially or mentally.

I checked some of the anxiety symptoms on the sticky list, but I didn't really see anything about the sort of mental changes I'm having, which makes me worry even more. Is it possible that my anxiety is causing me to jumble up words, and make more typos than usual (as I type this), and completely zone out for a second or two where I forget what I was doing? I know the mind is a pretty powerful thing, so it's likely, but I haven't seen anyone else with these sort of symptoms, so it's even more worrying.

I don't know, I guess I am just looking to vent in a way, to let out all of this frustration that has been destroying my life. Coming here, it's surprising to see how many people have the same sort of problems. Isn't it awful what we do to ourselves? Sigh.

 
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Old 09-12-2008, 01:20 PM   #2
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richard1971 HB User
Re: I can't live my life like this.

Hi there. Ive suffered two bouts of anxiety and am going through one now. The first was 10 years ago at the age of 25, i had my 1st panic attack as i had chest pains. What id done was pulled muscles in my chest through weight training, but i wouldnt accept it. I went to the accident and emergency room to have an ecg, just a few weeks after having one at my doctors! Then, i was at the docs atleast once a week thinking id got all sorts. I eventually got out of it with the aid of beta blockers. 10 years on, a chronic sinitus problem brought on panic attacks again, where i couldnt drive or socialise. Beta blockers yet again (im 3 weeks into them) has help the panic but not took the problem. MyIm still fully congested and cant go out too far because of feeling light headed and ill. The brain tumor bit went through my head, as did irregular heart beats, stomach disorder through constant heart burn. Its all worry - you will know when somethings not right. Millions are going through the same as us so dont worry too much. Are you on beta blockers?

 
Old 09-12-2008, 01:21 PM   #3
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StephRabin HB User
Re: I can't live my life like this.

Okay, I know people are probably tired of my comments about this type of stuff...but there are a ton of vitamin deficiencies which can cause that. I had foggy brain, and spacing out, and so tired, and unable to think of words or remember was I was thinking about three seconds ago. I would get worried I would get lost with my kids in the car...docs kept telling me it was anxiety. Well, yes, of course I was anxious, i was scared either something serious was wrong, or I would space out and not pick my son up from school, etc. Anyway, as it turned out, I was deficient in a bunch of vitamins...b12, iron, magnesium, and the Bs...

Do you take a multivitamin? Now, don't get me wrong, i also take antianxiety meds as needed, but since starting a regimine of supplements, I havent needed the benzos...

You can have your doctor tests you for specific deficiencies, or you can just start taking a multi as well as a B. Don't take iron without having a ferritin test from your doc...

 
Old 09-12-2008, 01:26 PM   #4
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Jaxxon28 HB User
Re: I can't live my life like this.

No. I actually never knew what "beta blockers" were till I came to this site; I assumed they had something to do with your heart. Are they like the anti-depressants you hear about all the time?

I don't take any medication for my anxiety, but after this bout, I'm thinking I need to. I am worried though, since my mom works in the pharmacy and I don't want her knowing about all of my anxiety problems. I pretty much keep them to myself, which is a bad thing to do as well.

I have settled down a bit, by playing some Yahoo games and trying to keep my mind off the constant worrying. I will have to play it by ear. If I still worry myself so much over the weekend, I will have to do something about it; as I said, either go get an MRI to relieve my fears, or see my doctor again about all this anxiety and see if she can prescribe something.

I had felt so good about the therapy I had been undergoing, and had no health anxiety, then BOOM, all of this happens, and I get completely freaked out. I talked about it with my psychologist yesterday, but it still didn't make me feel much better, which isn't good since normally I feel a lot better talking with her.

This anxiety stuff is just so awful. I can't believe I'm letting it ruin my life, but dang it, it sure is ruining my life. And I can't seem to help it. Just when I started to feel like I was making headway, I experience some health issues, and all the anxiety comes back, even worse this time. Once before has my anxiety sent me to the ER, and I considered that like the worst point; and I'm almost at that point again. It's just so awful.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 01:31 PM   #5
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Jaxxon28 HB User
Re: I can't live my life like this.

Well, I had been on a weight loss program and when I was on that, I had been taking a multivitamin. However, I got off my program for almost a month or so, and in that time, I had not taken the multivitamin. I have recently started again, but only in the past couple of days, since when I get "scared" like this, I usually respond by trying to exercise and eat better and lose weight, etc.

I just have never had mental problems like this before, that's why it scared me so much. But it's a neverending circle, because now I am so focused on it, I notice slip-ups which probably would have never worried me at all before. It's like when you read alone, you can read just fine, but if you are asked to read out loud in front of class, you get self-conscious and start to worry, and you start to mess up a lot.

I'm hoping that is all there is to this, but again, I don't know. I still worry about it being a brain tumor or something serious, even though my doctor said my symptoms were not indicative of a brain tumor. But I won't know for sure unless I get an MRI, or something definitive like that. I know I should just trust her, but I worry. And worry makes my symptoms worse, as I said, I seem to slip up even more mentally, and earlier I was developing more symptoms (like feeling like I was about to throw up, or that weird feeling that made it seem like my tongue was about to seize up or something and not let me swallow).

It's just so awful, I hate this all so much, yet I can't seem to do anything to get rid of it.

PS - when writing this post, you had me focus in on myself, and I didn't commit nearly as many typos as I had been, and I hadn't slipped up mentally like usual. I think that's another sign it's just all in my mind, but again, I can't seem to get over it. My mind has a lot of thoughts that I can't help, like getting fearful in social situations, or taking every symptom to the extreme and assume I'm dying, etc. I wish I didn't think this way, but it's like I can't help it.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 02:12 PM   #6
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tinkerbell78 HB User
Re: I can't live my life like this.

i was diagnosed bi-polar severaql years ago but i have most of my dibilitating issues from anxieties and social phobias, do <YOU> notice any "triggers" for <YOUR> panic attacks that maybe <YOU> can just avoid or change the setting so <YOU> will feel more comfortable. i know that isnt really a solution but with me anyway the best thing for me is to avoid large crowds and strangers. i know that limits my hobbies and social life (i have none actually) but in my case anyway it was a better trade off than being constantly terrified or being doped up on benzos. for instance i do all my shopping at wal-mart in the early hours of morning, typically 2 or 3 am so that i can be more relaxed with out a big crowd. luckily i have the suport of family and friends cause i cant even drive anymore, mostly due to somatoform seizures. but i do understand what <YOU> mean about being worried all the time and then worrying becuase your worried, its a nasty lil cycle and sometimes just talking it out with people that can relate helps.
Thankx,
Tink

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Old 09-12-2008, 03:30 PM   #7
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Re: I can't live my life like this.

Well, yeah, my social anxiety triggers are probably the same as your's, but I have gotten better with them throughout the years, and after speaking with my psychologist. Have you tried going to a psychologist? Mine is really helpful, and you would be surprised how much just TALKING about your issues make them seem less harmful. I am now going back to college, and trying to finish out my degree, and she is helping me be able to cope with the social anxiety that comes along with doing that sort of thing.

I was once like you as well, even down to shopping at Wal-Mart like at 4am so I wasn't panicked by the large crowd that is normally there. Also, when driving, I sometimes get the same sort of anxious feeling, even to where I feel like I'm about to pass out, but how stupid is that, considering I've never even passed out? I don't know what it even feels like, yet I "feel" like I'm about to pass out. These anxiety issues can be so stupid, yet they are so hard to overcome.

As for my health triggers, well, anything like that that is unusual, usually triggers my worst fears, and freaks me out. But as I said, I had headaches for awhile, but didn't really worry about them. They weren't severe, they didn't happen upon waking -- they were usually later in the day, only for maybe half an hour at a time -- and they weren't all that painful. But then I stumble once or twice in my thinking, and I focus on it, and freak out about it, which causes me to stumble more and confuse myself more, and makes me lose focus since instead of focusing on something, I'm focusing on what my mind is thinking, etc. So, yeah, it's a vicious cycle.

I am "somewhat" able to lead a relatively normal life, in the sense that my fears and anxieties haven't completely overcome me and forced me to become a hermit, but they are still really taking their toll. It hurts when I hear other people that are dealing with these same sort of awful issues, and are being tortured by it even worse than I am. I can't even imagine how much suffering some people are going through. I'm sorry to hear that your anxieties have caused you to withdraw like that, but I understand where you are coming from, since mine caused me to do the same thing. I was sort of at the same point, then I had what I call my biggest panic attack ever, which resulted in me calling 911 and being taken to the hospital.

Of course, nothing was wrong. But I didn't want to burden my family with the medical bills, so it prompted me to go out and get a job, and sort of start to live my life again. Even though while I was able to venture out a little more, I was still pretty withdrawn. Finally seeing a psychologist has helped me a long way to overcoming my social anxiety, which it sounds like what you have, tinkerbell78? Have you looked into seeing a psychologist, and seeing if they can help you overcome your fears? Mine taught me deep breathing, and while I always dismissed it as being silly and not helpful, it does actually help.

I think just talking my social anxiety out, as well as learning deep breathing (and doing that anytime I feel the tinge of a panic attack coming on, to head it off) really helped me out. I'm certainly not over my fears, and obviously I haven't even come close to conquering my health anxiety, but it did help me, even just a little bit, with my social anxiety. And when you are at that point, even a little bit of hope is great to experience.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 03:51 PM   #8
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tinkerbell78 HB User
Re: I can't live my life like this.

i have seen a few psychiatrists but i dont think ive ever seen a psychologist, not real sure what the difference is, i think psychiatrists are more m.d.'s and can prescribe meds and psychologists are more therapists, im not sure. alas i have basically become a hermit. and yea it makes me miserable sometimes i get so bored and lonley, then when i try i get overwhelmed. i can relate to thinking that i had some sort of tumor or fatal disease. i developed seizures about 2 yrs ago, and now that i have had 5 EEG's and a couple of MRI's they have pretty much come to the conclusion that they are somatoform, means my mind makes my body shut down in the form of this "fake" seizure disorder, the seizures are real but its caused by my mind and not a real disease, that made me think GREAT! i cant even go to a crwoded resturant but i am the one who has to "fix" my seizures, thats gonna hapen..lol...very glad to hear that you are going back to school. i think that once i get straightened out a bit finacially, havent been able to work in 2 yrs just got approved for SSD, i think maybe ill try to find something i could possibly do and try and go back to school. i tried online college about a yr ago but i couldnt even handle that stress, and dropped out. i do get frustrated sometimes cause i feel like i never have and never will realy accomplish anything, then i get scared that my 2 daugters my end up with this condition, my father was bi-polar, he lost his battle with himself in 1994, but at least meds and therapy are better now, but i dont think that there will ever be a cure....
Tink

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Old 09-12-2008, 04:13 PM   #9
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Jaxxon28 HB User
Re: I can't live my life like this.

Sure, no problem.

And it sounds like you understand correctly. Psychiatrists can prescribe medicine, whereas psychologists can't. I would figure a psychiatrist could be just as good, assuming they don't simply prescribe you medicine and send you away. I think a lot of these anxiety problems can be helped by talking it out, and really trying some techniques that you may have written off before.

I was in the same sort of position as you before, but slowly got better, and after seeing my psychologist for awhile, almost looking forward to my future and looking to face my social anxieties head on. But then this health anxiety pops up, and she couldn't even talk me down from that. I want you to know that there is hope, and you can get over your social anxiety. It can be hard, and it may seem like there is no way to get better, and that you are only getting worse. But there are breaks in it, you just have to work towards it. Like I said, I broke a good portion of mine simply by almost being forced out to go and find a way to pay for my medical bills which I accumulated due to my health anxiety. I got anxious, but I felt I had no choice to get a job and go back out into the world, and I got over that initial fear. I still had fears of being in class, or situations like that, but simply going out wasn't as much of a fear anymore.

So, even on the worst day, realize that things can change the next day, and you can get better. You may have to keep going through tactics to get better, but something can eventually work for you. I was in the same sort of position, and I have progressed quite a bit with my social anxiety, but dang it, I just can't seem to overcome my health anxiety. Combined with my fear of death, I just can't help but obsess over every little change in my body/mind. It's awful, and that's why I ended up here, trying to find something else to try, or to find people in similar circumstances, or anything to help me get out of this low that I'm in now.

 
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