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Old 12-11-2008, 11:21 AM   #1
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please help me...

this is long, but i REALLY need help! im so scared...
to start off, my name is kaylee and i'm a 19 year old college student (<I DON'T KNOW> if that means anything...)

i was hospitalized last week from thursday till monday because of a chronic anxiety attack -- i had been extremely anxious and depressed the week before.
while in the ER they injected me with something that made me pass out, and i woke up in the behavioral health ward (but i knew where i was).
while in the hospital, they put me on Prozac for 3 days and i had a horrible panic attack one night (thought i was crazy, didnt know who i was, etc.) and they tried giving me a some med that was supposed to calm me down (Ativan i believe...) and i was still up all night shaking, so they gave me another one at about 5am.

i hadnt slept all night... and the next day the Psych took me off the Prozac and Ativan and put me on Seroquel -- it made me extremely tired and I slept basically all day, but at least i wasnt panicking. i took the seroquel (50mg) the following night and it helped me sleep, but gave me some crazy dreams.

i was released from the hospital on monday (my parents picked me up and took me home -- nobody wanted me to go back to my dorm by myself) and was told to take 25mg of Seroquel 3 times a day and take 100mg at night. on tuesday i took 50mg in the morning because i couldnt calm down -- and it made me have a STRANGE dream about being in space and ever since, i have not been able to look at the sky without freaking out and i cant watch space documentaries, which is really weird... so i stopped taking the Seroquel during the day because it just put me to sleep and i didnt want to sleep to escape my problems... and the seroquel made me feel extremely odd. every night ive taken it, i can remember my dreams so clearly and they are BIZARRE!

ANYWAY... what drove me into panic last thursday was because i couldnt understand why i couldnt feel for my boyfriend anymore! it made no sense and i just kept dwelling on it. i had stayed with him the weekend before and everything was perfectly fine. it was driviing me mad, until thursday night i just felt like i was not myself... like i was on auto pilot, just going thru the motions, but not truly living. i cried all day and felt like i needed professional help, so i saw a counselor on campus and that didnt help at all. i went back to my dorm and just bawled. my mom called me later and i lost it... i was beyond panicking and my parents told me to goto the ER.

ever since then, i have felt SO disconnected from everything... ive been at my house and i remember who i was, but i cant find meaning in anything! i dont feel like myself... its like i forgot how to act like myself. i look at pictures of myself, and its like its not me!! i dont know who i am and why i feel this way... i know what everything is, but nothing feels framiliar. im losing hope... i want to figure out who i am!! im so scared. being outside makes me panic -- especially looking at the sky. i wake up from really weird dreams feeling weird and different and lost!

ive forgotten how to be in a relationship... i want to be the girlfriend that my boyfriend deserves, but i feel so disconnected from him! i want to love him again so bad!!!! its driving me mad!!! hes been such a wonderful, supportive boyfriend and i just dont understand!! ive forgotten how to connect to him... ive forgotten how to be in a relationship. i hate this. he came over the other night and it was really comforting, then i tried going to his house yesterday... i cried so hard in his arms and he wiped away my tears and told me he was there for me. then we went upstairs to cuddle and talking to him made me feel a little better, but after while i just got the urge to get up and leave and go home. i wanted to cry again... i usually love being with my boyfriend and im usually more comfortable at his house than at mine.

im so scared. i just wanna be me again. i cant even feel love for my puppy anymore... i cant look forward to christmas, which is normally my favorite holiday. its so weird!!! i just wanna cry all the time! i so frustrated!! sometimes i can barely get thru the day. its so awful. please, somebody help me... what do i do???

a few factors that may or may not have played into this: i have been on YAZ birth control for 3 months, and i stopped taking it the sunday before i was hospitalized. could it be that the hormones messed me up and it still needs to leave my system?? its been almost 2 weeks since ive been off it.

or, could it be that all the drugs ive been off and on in the past week have contributed?? the Seroquel makes me feel really weird...
could the Prozac have messed me up??
what about my boyfriend??? why do i feel this way?? sometimes he's comforting, and sometimes he irritates me (for no reason) and i need to leave... he's my best friend, he's always there for me, i WANT to love him again, he's never done anything wrong... we've been doing the semi-long distance thing -- we see eachother every other weekend while im in college... but we love our time together and talk on the phone every day. could it be that i need to re-adjust to seeing him every day???

im so confused... i feel like ive lost my identity. im so scared. is there anything anyone can do???

Last edited by ms_mod; 12-11-2008 at 11:46 AM. Reason: Always use whole words in your posts and do not discuss illegal drug use on this board for ANY reason. Ms_Mod

 
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Old 12-11-2008, 03:12 PM   #2
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mochi* HB Usermochi* HB User
Re: please help me...

Hi there.My apologies for what you are going through. I know all too well how terrifying anxiety and depression can be, espeically when intertwined.
I realize that what you are feeling might make you feel like you are "going crazy" and make you lack for hope.
I don't have a lot of time right now to respond as in-depth as I would like to, but I did want to point out that this feeling distant from yourself and everything around you is a symptom of anxiety and depression: it is called depersonalization. I have experienced it before, particualrly during painful break-ups, it's like the emotional toll of what you are going through is too great, be it anxiety or depression, and so you kind of "check-out," though not consciously. It doesn't help though, because then you just feel more crazy and much more anxious. My point is though, that you are not alone, and that this is a farily common (though nonetheless terrifying) symptom of anxiety.
I am not sure what provoked this in you. Have you had bouts of anxiety/deoression before? Had you been having doubts about your relationship? Overwhelemed with school? There can be many causes, and what you are sensetive to or triggered by may not seem like a big deal on the surface. I know for me, that when I am in a serious relationship and it goes sour, that is when I start to sufer the most major bouts of anxiety/depression.
My suggestion is to consider what you were going through in the months before this occured, and try to figure out what is bothering you, even if it does not seem like a big deal. Have you been seeing a therapist? You mentioned a school counselor, but you did not like them. It can be hard to find a thearpist you like, but I strongly suggest shopping around until you find one you do like, and go regularly. It can really help you understand why you react the way you do and give you tools to help you cope better. As for the drugs, well, they could be exasperating your anxiety, but it's hard to say. Talk to your Dr. about it, I tend to be quite wary of drugs myself, but then again, your mind is a powerful thing, and ca really make you feel nuts sometimes. So, it;s hard to say if the drugs are making it worse, or if you are just worrying about them a lot.
I suggest reading up on anxiety, sometimes it can get to such extremes that you really can feel like you are going crazy, but you;re not, it's ju8st anxiety. That said, I know it can be EXCRUCIATING and so, so scary. Debilitating even. My advice is to be patient with yourself, try to stay social and do the things yu like so as not to dwell too much, and find a therapist you like and trust who may be able to help you fin out what this anxiety is about.

 
Old 12-11-2008, 08:09 PM   #3
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tulum HB Usertulum HB User
Re: please help me...

Usually anxiety is a response to something that happened to us or some situation we are in which we do not want to face. Is there anything you can think of that was traumatic or upsetting you about your life besides the things you mentioned?

 
Old 12-11-2008, 08:38 PM   #4
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blwillis214 HB User
Re: please help me...

I've read your post and hope that i can say a few things to help.. I'm a 24 year old male and I've had anxiety issues since being very young.. since i can remember i've been worried about what might happen, what could happen, and if i was sick and just did'nt know it.. since i was about 18 i started having full-blown panic attacks.. the first one i had sent me to the ER thinking i was having a heart attack.. well, of course i was'nt and for the moment i was relieved.. since then, i've been struggling with panic off and on and decided to finally see a physciatrist to see if he could do anything to help.. he was very insightfull, but was quick to give me drugs.. Xanax,Valium,SEROQUEL,paxil,and zoloft.. i've always been wary of drugs and did'nt take any of them for long.. i experienced similar reactions to what you are describing from taking these drugs. the seroquel especially made me feel disconnected and DIFFERENT than my normal self.. i analyzed situations differently and reacted differently.. not to mention the dreams like you said you experienced.. i've had those..

i am in no way a qualified medical proffessional, but my advice would be to see a phsyciatrist tell them the drugs you are taking and tell them you want to be taken off as soon AS POSSIBLE.. they will help you safely taper off of the drug or drugs you are taking.. discontinuing meds abrupty [on your own] could cause some negative effects. in my experience with anxiety and or panic attacks only natural real world solutions to stessors will help symptoms subside.. the drugs just cover it up and in the long term make it worse.. i've learned to deal with my anxiety and meet my issues head on rather than pushing them to the side and stressing about them.. i know how it feels though, and i lived with it for a long time.. we can do so much to stop this while we're young and i'm happy that i now have a stronger grip on my anxiety and on my life.. just remember you are NOT going crazy, you're just anxious, and NOTHING is wrong with you.. Take it from me I know how real it can feel.. i've been to the ER 3 times thinking i was having a serious medical episode, and nothing was wrong.. I had blood tests,EKGs,and countless physical exams, and NOTHING was wrong.. Just relax, excercise, TALK to people you love and trust about all of this(so important), and before long you'll be back to your old self, but without the anxiety..

Education about the condition is priceless as well.. The more you know about what your body is doing, the easier it is to tell yourself that everything is ok.. Do research on Anxiety,Panic, and possibly even Bipolar Disorder.. Doing research on these topics has helped me out tremendously..

Best wishes,
Brandon

Last edited by ms_mod; 12-12-2008 at 07:38 AM. Reason: Removed unnecessary quote. Ms_Mod

 
Old 12-12-2008, 12:15 AM   #5
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calidreaming HB User
Re: please help me...

aw this feels like me when I was 19.

My first panic attack landed me in the ER. Is this so common or what??? I have actually been to the ER multiple times because of this terrible anxiety. The first time they gave me Valium and thats when I realized...whoa... I have a problem.

I was on prozac for about six months after that and then tapered off. The Prozac I would like to say, saved me life. It readjusted my brain chemicals. And let me live a normal everyday life. I had a boyfriend at the time, while he was supportive... he just never really understood anxiety. Yours may never either. Some people just don't get anxiety.

I was fine for a few years... until this last year when my mom ended up in the hospital in critical condition, then a few months later MORE things happened. On top of that I got dysentery and an ovarian cyst!!! And pretty much what happened was my body went on overload. I decided to go back on Prozac and have been on it since. I am happy where I am emotionally at right now.

But you do need to go to a psychologist and get things straightened out. you may never feel the same again. you do have to embrace it. it WONT kill you. Also, what helped me TONS was a support group. I felt incredibly retarded being a 19 year old girl in an anxiety support group BUT boy did I learn a lot about the condition and how to breathe properly. I also mostly learned I WAS NOT ALONE. Anxiety can be a lonely disease. Really lonely, but just know that you are never alone.

 
Old 01-22-2009, 08:43 PM   #6
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Re: please help me...

Oh, Sweetheart!! I am sooo sorry you are going through all this. I definitely empathize with you. But, you ARE very very smart!!! It took me over 30 years to figure out what you already know about yourself. Please learn to listen to yourself, trust yourself, trust that gut feeling and instincts. No one else knows how you really feel, even if you try your best to explain it to them. I could say so much here. I feel like writing a book about the tragedies of common medical treatments.

The other poster, the gentleman, wrote "my advice would be to see a phsyciatrist tell them the drugs you are taking and tell them you want to be taken off as soon AS POSSIBLE.. they will help you safely taper off of the drug or drugs you are taking.. discontinuing meds abrupty [on your own] could cause some negative effects. in my experience with anxiety and or panic attacks only natural real world solutions to stessors will help symptoms subside.. the drugs just cover it up and in the long term make it worse.." I too urge you to do this. I have found the practice of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction to be extremely helpful, as well as acupuncture for stress AND hormone stabilization.

I end up in the ER every single time I have tried any hormone replacement, regardless of whether it is BCP or just progesterone cream or estrogen patches --- they all psychologically make me clinically ill. I did not piece this together for decades. Whenever I started or stopped hormones, I always wound up in the ER or an emergency appt with some psych., or in a psych hospital. They misdiagnose the effects the hormones have on your body and mind as being a purely psychological illness.

I too was given the same and more drugs than you mentioned. They caused even more emotional problems - the seroquel made me exhausted and terrible nightmares, which were misdiagnosed as worsening depression and worsening anxiety. It interacted with other medications and caused respiratory suppression, but all I knew what it felt like I was having panic attacks because I couldn't get enough air. I did not know what respiratory suppression was. Apparently, none of the doctors I was seeing knew it either. They put me on more and more meds, to cover up the adverse reactions to the other meds. and on and on... I have spent the past year getting off of all these medications. When I stopped the Cymbalta, the lowest dose, two days later I had a Temporary Detainment Order put on me - locked up, against my will, in a psych hospital being force fed Haldol among other things. All because I was having a wicked reaction to the withdrawal from Cymbalta. But the doctors did not recognize it as that.

I got out of the hospital, and then stopped seeing psychiatrists all together and stayed with a good internal med doctor, that is not prescription-happy. I learned that my doctors had been treating akasthisia symptoms as mental illness symptoms. It's been a really rough year going through withdrawal every time I cut down on each medication, but I have not felt mentally better in decades. I'm now back to my original set of medical problems that I started with in my teens! Hormone problems. But I feel like I've wasted my life being so drugged and chasing my tail being mis-treated medically. There has been alot of research on bioidentical hormone replacement therapy.

I don't know if it is the answer for you , or me, but it is something I am looking into seriously now. I wish I would have know this years ago. There are some good books about women and hormones. Even though you are not the age for menopause, the hormonal imbalances, regardless of the age, can be the same and cause the same problems. PCOS further complicates everything. Some hospitals are conducting trials for the use of acupuncture in the treatment of PCOS. The ONLY way I can start having regular periods without ANY insanity is if I get regular acupuncture --no drugs. I can not explain it - I don't understand it at all. It just works. You are NOT crazy, the hormones you were taking can definitely do those things; the drugs you are/were taking do cause those problems. You are so smart for figuring this out so early in your life. Please do not lose hope.

Emotional stress does make things worse. I can't comment on whether the relationship with your boyfriend is best or not - but if he is a good friend, I think he is worth investing the time to explain what is really going on and how you are really feeling. You need someone to support you, not someone to support your doctors. I hope the best for you!

Last edited by ms_mod; 01-23-2009 at 08:27 AM. Reason: Broke post into paragraphs to make it easier to read. Ms_Mod

 
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