I have read your post several times. Please don't feel ashamed. This isn't your fault, no more than someone who has diabetes and has to take insulin. The hard part is that we have something that you cannot see, touch or feel. I know that it is not easy, but it can and usually does get better. If you get the right combination of medication that will work for you, life will seem, alot better. Your definately not alone, I have had this disorder for 24 yrs-diagnosed.