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Old 06-14-2009, 09:13 AM   #1
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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VoodooQueen HB User
Social Anxiety (or what I'd like to call the "Excuse Addict")

I'm going through one of the worst times in my life. I have been alone and reflecting for quite some time.

Surpringly enough, today, I came up with a more humouristic perspective on my whole crappy situation.

My name is "VoodooQueen" and I am an Excuses Addict.

You see, for some reason, I'm petrified of strangers and meeting new people. I would suffer from what you would call "Social Anxiety Disorder".

In my times of reflections, I realized how throughout my life, I have been gifted with the abundances of opportunities to meet, network, build relationships (wether it be professional, friendship, intimate, neighbors, etc) with amazing people from different walks of life. For at each moment, another human being crosses my path, I am given the opportunity to make a connection with them.

I, however, don't!

And so I'm here basking in the doom I've created for myself, crying out why I'm so lonely and deprived of my human need to interact with another.

And in my reflection, I came to realize that for each of the many, many times I was and still am offered opportunties to make a connection with someone, I go ahead and do this:

I make up an excuse as to why I shouldn't or can't.

AH AH! Am I on to something here?

Every single time, there comes an opportunity to approach someone, or even just respond to their approach, my head automatically switches to "Excuse mode".

The "Excuses Mode" goes like this, if you were to open up my brain and could read the thoughts that go through my mind:
- I left the house looking a mess and I don't look presentable
- I am too tired to say anything, smile or engage in a conversation
- I just stepped out to get something from the cornerstore real quick and didn't shower yet, so I kinda stink and I don't want anyone to smell me and think I have hygiene issues
- I have hair on my face if I go greet this person up close, they will see it all
- If I get close to anyone, they will realize that I have this weird compulsion of picking at my skin (scars on my face and any visible part of my body)
- I don't have a job and can't afford a social life
- People only want to go out and spend money and I don't have any, so I stay out of people's way who can actually afford to enjoy themselves
- I have a disability that people think is unreal (endometriosis) and made up
- I can't keep a job and am uneducated and no one wants to be around an ignorant person
- I'm too negative to be around people
- I don't know how to be happy, so when I try to be happy around people, I feel fake and not myself
- No one will accept someone who as part of their positive and progressive environment who cannot take care of themselves and contribute to something
- I have no purpose, no life direction, no talents or creativity left, so I have nothing to offer to anyone
- I'm homeless and couchhop; I don't even have a phone in my name
- I'm very tall and intimidating to other people of normal height and size (and I am a female, so it's even more weird)
- I'm secretely filled with hatred, anger, regrets and bitterness and I really don't' want anyone to find out how much I lack character, personality and soul
- I have never achieved anything, gone anywhere, did anything special, so I don't have anything interesting to talk about with others: I say my name, I say "nice to meet you" and then there's this eternal 5 seconds of ackward silence because it's my turn to say something and I got nothing!
- and many more excuses......

Now I can't seem to distinguish wether or not any of these excuses I come with, to justify why I should stay away from people, are actual real reasons or just fears. For example, the hairy face situation is a big deal for me. I'm only 27 and have been shaving off a beard since my teens. Not to mention the few hairs in places like my chest, shoulder or stomach I pray to God no one ever sees! If I want to be intimate with someone, who actually shows interest in me, I make myself believe it's because they don't know that my daily routine is the same as theirs (shaving) and that if they come to find out (by merely touching my face or looking closely), it will be repulsive (it's repulsive to me!). Not only that, but will they also make the logic that the hair on my face is indication of a hormonal disorder, meaning they get to conclude that i'm some type of pms-psycho with small sagging breast who can't get pregnant (anyone who knows about how hormone work will not take too long to find that out, just by looking at my face and body). And so that way, I've ran away from any possible good relationships I could have had, because I can't stand the fact that there's a possibility of being rejected over what I have no power to change right now.

And so I make excuses, or real reasons, not too sure anymore, for depriving myself of human contact.

Is there not a way for me to just stop making excuses.

My name is "VoodooQueen" and I'm an "Excuses Addict"....

Is there not a 12 step program for that?

Well, even if there was, how successful would it be if you would just make up an excuse as to why you should stay away from anyone in that program!

It's time for my nap! ANy suggestion on how to fight excuses addiction would be interesting.

Thanks!
__________________
____________________________

VoodooQueen

Last edited by ms_mod; 06-14-2009 at 10:39 AM. Reason: Removed censored word. If a word is questionable enough that you must edit it, then please don't use it. Ms_Mod

 
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