Join Date: Jun 2009
Anxiety - feeling of inevitable death
First of all, I'd like to thank anyone who reads/replies to this.
Hi, my name is Colin, and I'm a 20 year old anxiety sufferer (From what my doctors have told me). Starting about 2 months ago, I started feeling a constant soreness/clenching feeling in my chest around my heart. I started to become very worried because I had no idea why it was happening, and that I was sure there a possibility of my heart failing, or that I was going to have a heart attack. It was very uncomfortable for me to sleep with this feeling and, nearly every night I went to bed convinced that I wasn't going to wake up in the morning. This went on for a few days until one night I awoke with a racing heart beat, and I couldn't settle myself down. I made the decision to go the emergency room and figure out what the heck was going on. The doctors took the my blood pressure, pulse, and an EKG, and told me that there was nothing wrong with my heart, and that the reason I had this feeling in my heart was because I had anxiety. So, I scheduled an appointment with my family doctor and showed her the EKG read out. She also took my blood pressure/pulse and told me there was nothing wrong. The only thing she saw that was different with my heart was that on the EKG read out it showed that I have something called a 'sinus arrhythmia', which is (from what I'm told) a very regular, irregular heart beat. Still, nothing to worry about.
I should mention that about two years ago, during the summer time also, I felt similar feelings in my chest. Except they went away after maybe a week or so, and I never ended up going to the emergency room or being convinced I was going to die. Why the feeling I have now haven't go away like last time...I don't know.
So time went on and I never had another panic attack. However, the reassurance my doctor gave me that I wasn't going to die, and the relaxation exercises to help me didn't last long and I really felt no difference. Eventually I ended up going to the emergency room again cause I had never gotten over the feeling, for whatever reason, that I was going to die. I couldn't handle it anymore, I would walk around my house not knowing what to do with myself, and constantly 24/7 thinking about this whole situation. Constantly having my mind wracked with all this crap, becoming extremely frustrated and almost like I was just going to lose it and freak out.
So as I said, I went to the emergency room, and just started balling to the triage nurse, I ended up seeing one of their therapists who said he sees someone like me about once a week. After explaining my situation to about 3 different people and to the last therapist he finally gave me some medication called Clonazepam. For about the first 2-3 days after I started on the medication I felt pretty good. This was about 3 weeks ago. Now, I still take the same medicine, and ponder whether or not it's actually having any effect on me at all. Every day, I have this feeling in my chest still, it's a little different then it used to be. Almost like a brick is in there instead of my heart, it doesn't hurt but it's uncomfortable, and I can feel it more when I do any range of things from coughing to burping. In addition to that in the past week I've felt sometimes I need to catch my breath more after speaking or that if I speak too loud or take too deep of a breath I'll make it worse cause it feels like my heart is getting pressed or clenched more. Even though my heart feeling has changed a little since two months ago I still have these terrible feelings/thoughts that I'm just going to die, for whatever reason, I just am. These things don't just don't come on sometimes, I feel them all the time unless I'm totally preoccupied with something else. And even when I'm feeling a little better i still have this feeling looming over me as if something just isn't right, and it feels like my chest, along with me just aren't totally relaxed. To be honest, I almost don't know what it feels like to be 'normal' or 'feel good' anymore. Still nearly every night I go to bed convinced I'm going to die, and that's it my time. I don't know why. Heck, I'm 20 years old, healthy, and my doctors tell me I'm fine. Except for whatever reason I can't let this go. I feel like I should just be able to wake up in the morning and feel fine...but I don't. This whole situation is really getting me down cause of these thoughts/feelings of dying. I'm really not even anxious about it, it's like I'm almost out of place here, and I can't stand it. I can't live like this anymore, lately every day I've been coming home from work and crying to my parents because I can't stand this. As far as the people that are around me, and everyone at my workplace are concerned I seem fine. But I'm not.
I don't know why this is happening to me, I don't know why it hasn't gone away, and I don't know why I can't let go of the fact that I won't die since so many doctors/therapists are telling me I'm not. Like I said, I can't live like this anymore. I have another appointment with a therapist for some counseling on Tuesday, but I don't even think I'm going to make it until then, even though I've lived the past 2 months like this.
Thanks to anyone who reads/responds to this. If you've gone through anything similar or are going through something like this PLEASE reply.
Like I said, I'm 20 years old and the fact that I think I'm going to die and leave my friends, not get married or have kids, is just eating away at me, I need a solution.