Join Date: Jun 2010
| | Do I have an Anxiety/Mental disorder?
I don't even really know where to start with this. I'm concerned about my mental health obviously... It's just hard to figure out what to write about first.
It probably started back in high school. I had minimal success in high school despite my intelligence. (Not trying to be conceited here) I took multiple AP classes (they were perfect because they were all test-based with very little homework), yet I always struggled to finish schoolwork in my regular classes because I procrastinated a lot because of my perfectionism, so it was always hard for me to start and complete work. I'd avoid teachers because I was so nervous about them finding me and confronting me about my missing work. I spend half of my sophomore and junior years terrified that certain teachers would run into me in the hallways, to the point where I'd keep my head down and walk in the middle of crowds so nobody would spot me, and I'd avoid hallways in which their classrooms were located.. I had mild depression and suicidal thoughts throughout high school, too. Those were probably the first few signs that something was amiss, but I never did anything about it.
Well, it really started showing ten-ish months ago. I had recently started dating my current boyfriend and it was my first serious relationship with someone. We had been dating for two months, right after I had graduated from high school, and the summer with him was amazing. (I'm making a point, I promise) I'd never felt so close to anyone, and I was definitely falling in love. He has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I liked being able to take care of him. It made me really happy to know that I helped make his fears go away, that I was so important to someone. Up until then I had been very lonely. All of my friends had had successful relationships, and I'm the shy/introverted type so I just sat back wishing I had something close to theirs...
After our first two blissful months, I left for college. I went in intending to do much better than I ever did in high school, and for the first 3/4 of the semester I did rather well. But I started growing anxious... My relationship with my boyfriend was kind of rocky because he missed me and felt like I left him behind when I left. That put a huge strain on our relationship... I started flirting with other people (something which I still do, to boost my extremely low self-esteem) to get a reaction out of him, and I got paranoid about the things that he was doing at home. I'd lash out at him over stupid things and we'd argue a lot. I started sleeping much less, and most days I'd go to class on 45 minutes of sleep or less. I eventually stopped going to class because I was so tired and depressed all of the time. I told my boyfriend a few days before the end of the semester what was going on, and he convinced me to try and pass as many classes as I could with the time that I had. The work was too much, though, and I just didn't have the motivation at that point to try. I had given up, convinced that I couldn't do it, and I inevitably flunked out.
Feeling like a failure and desperate to get back in before my parents found out, I tried reapplying to school on the basis that my health was what affected my grades and poor attendance. I didn't get back in. My parents found out and were furious. My sister stopped talking to me, and my brother's constant taunts just fueled the guilt and failure I was feeling inside. My boyfriend was supportive of me... at that point... and tried convincing me that I'd just wait out the semester and I'd try again later.
I stayed at home, with my parents constantly nagging me to get a job. I was too nervous to apply anywhere, afraid of rejection and more failure, so I didn't get a job for four months. During that time, with nothing to occupy myself during the day, I'd try to talk to my bf so I'd have some company. But after time, I became afraid of what he was doing at school. He was a year younger than me, so still in high school, and since I was completely separate from his friends and school life. I felt out of the loop. This is when the anxiety started to get really bad... I was constantly afraid of what was going on when I wasn't around. I'd text him during his lunch period and, if I didn't get a text back from him in a few minutes, started speculating about how he was flirting with girls, or kissing them, or holding their hand or a number of horrible scenarios... But these were all irrational and uncontrollable. It got to the point where I'd automatically start assuming the worst without even realizing it. My brain jumped to these mental pictures of him breaking my heart without my control.
I told him about it and he begged me to go to therapy. I refused to, because I knew I would have to tell my mom in order to go and I wasn't about to confide in her. I was terrified of telling her anything about what was going on with me, and I just wanted her to think that things were still okay with me. Months went by and he still asked me to go. I was convinced that I could beat my fear, or "doubts" as we had started to call them, on my own. I had done it freshman year with my depression, and I could do it this time too.
Well, it's been months later, and things are as bad as ever. My boyfriend, who is extremely loyal and used to love me so passionately, has admitted that he's thought of leaving once or twice, which has crushed me more than he'll ever know. I'm terrified of him leaving. He's really the only thing that makes me feel like a whole person now, which I know is so unfair to him, it's such a heavy burden. He's the one thing I feel like I've gotten right, and yet I know I'm pushing him away. The anxiety is really bad now. I'm afraid every day that I'll do something that will push him away for good, yet I can't control my urges and my fear. I'm afraid of him being alone with friends, because I'm afraid he'll flirt or cheat. <edit>I'm afraid of telling him about my fears and unhappiness, because he always takes it so personally now (though that's probably my fault too) and it always seems to end in a fight. He always reinforces the fact that the majority of our fights are my fault, and that I've put myself in this position and I should've gone to therapy, etc. Which only serves to make me feel worse because I'm constantly reminded of my failures.
I'm depressed. I feel like a failure and a horrible person because of all of the guilt and suspicion and anger I throw at my bf. I feel like I've let my family down because of college. I feel like my life is going nowhere. I have no idea how to get myself out of this rut. Half the time my life just seems so surreal, like I can't believe it's me living this. Yet I can't do anything about it. I realize how irrational I am half the time, but I just get in these moods... Like I'm just so afraid that nothing else matters, I just have to address what is making me afraid. It's pure terror. And then afterwards I realize how stupid it was, after I yell and get angry or cry or become depressed and suicidal or whatever. I have all of these moods. There are points where I feel like none of this matters, too. Like my boyfriend could leave me and I couldn't care less, like it would be all too easy to hate him. I'm passive aggressive with him, and when I get him back for making me upset it feels like a victory for me. I just don't get it. I used to be an optimistic person, nice, caring.... Now I just feel like a monster, and I feel so guilty and so afraid because I know that I'm slowly pushing away the one thing that matters to me most, but I can't stop.
Please, help me. This explanation doesn't even really do justice to what is actually going on. I know I must have some mental disorder. Something. I want to fix myself so badly. I just want to be me again. I want to be successful and have a good life. Please help me. :'(
Last edited by ms_mod; 06-29-2010 at 06:30 AM.
Reason: Removed banned word. If a words shows up like this *** use of that words is banned on this website. Ms_Mod