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Old 07-25-2010, 02:25 PM   #1
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tulum HB Usertulum HB User
Unhappy not a moment of peace-vent

I feel panicky all day long constantly and feel impending doom and terrified of dying, the actual day of my death and getting older and health problems and loved ones health problems and dying

and constant worry, racing thoughts, ocd

I feel more hopeless as each day passes

BUT I have two young children to raise and am divorced from an abusive husband but can't cope with being a single divorced parent and having all this panic and worry, not a single positive good thought or feeling

my greatest fear is dying soon and leaving my young kids

I've been in therapy which is not helping and on all different meds which don't work and make me worse

I am on the verge of being inpatient but feel awful about leaving my kids for so long

I can't cope with all the bad things that can happen in life and each second expecting the worst

I have a doctor's appt tomorrow, a check up, and I am actually praying that there is something wrong with my thyroid or something so there is at least some explanation

I just see a life of endless suffering

I try SO hard for my kids sake but it all fails

I have zero support and feel completely abandoned and isolated and FROZEN in fear

Such terrifying thoughts my mind thinks every second

I feel like a mouse lost in an enormous endless maze trying to find some relief but it is like something inside me won't allow me to feel better and I can't change it

I have a gigantic phobia of time passing and aging and dying with such unbearable visualization

so this is it? I just suffer endlessly and then I die?

I don't believe in a higher power anymore because how can it allow my innocent children suffer

I reach out to family and my therapist and my psychiatrist in desperation and they just reprimand me for being weak and whiny and ignore me and make me feel worse and abuse me

How can I provide my kids with any sense of stability and security when I myself feel so insecure and unstable and unsafe

And only I got stuck with an judge who has a reputation with everyone in town, professionals, lawyers, other judges for being insane and unjust and ridiculous in her rulings- she took away my 4 month old nursing baby and set a 3 day alternating custody schedule- MY 4 MONTH OLD NURSING daughter!

I have nowhere to turn, no one to find comfort with

I am utterly completely alone and tortured and panicked and terrified and hopeless
no one can handle or bear this much pain

I'm terrified and in agony that something might happen to me soon and my kids will be without their mother at this young age of 2 and 6

I take my son to camp every morning trembling in fear and always worry it will be the last time I see him

I pray for a miracle that somewhere in this entire huge world there will be something or someone who can help me so I can feel the joy and serenity and that feeling that everything will work out fine that other parents feel on a regular basis

I'm so ashamed

 
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Old 07-29-2010, 06:16 PM   #2
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marie888 HB User
Re: not a moment of peace-vent

Hello,

I just wanted to say that I can relate to very many things you are saying. I have always struggled with anxiety and as a mom to young kids I am finding it more difficult then ever. I worry, worry, worry, and then feel bad for not being able to function as a mom as well. I was at my absolute worst when I just had my last child and was nursing. All those hormones combined with a predisposition for anxiety is not good. I think you will feel more stability and control down the road, even though I know it is hard to imagine. I don't like taking meds either but have found that half doses when I really need it can be more helpful then all the side effects I get with the whole dose. This is just an idea but always make sure that you dr. is aware of what you are taking and whether it helps or doesn't. If your dr.'s and theripists are not sympathetic then find new ones. Your feelings are real and deserve to be taken seriously.

Marie

 
Old 07-29-2010, 06:47 PM   #3
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Kaybug HB User
Re: not a moment of peace-vent

You are not alone, vent here, and their are lots of people that you can talk to.

 
Old 08-01-2010, 08:39 AM   #4
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Re: not a moment of peace-vent

You are definitely not alone. You have a lot on your plate to deal with right now. Just take every hour at a time. And find other doctors if the ones you have are not helpful. Keep reading here -- there's others like you. If you live in a big city, maybe there's a mom's anxiety group you can attend and meet others. If not, then keep reading & posting on every message board you can. Sometimes there's a little glimmer of hope when you read others' posts and see what someone else has tried. If nothing else can calm you at the moment -- stop and hug your babies and play a game with your oldest. Everything else can wait for a 1/2 hr for a game. Or read him a book. Just stop and do something for your kids. It may be a simple suggestion, but it's just one suggestion that won't hurt and will make you feel good.

 
Old 08-01-2010, 09:33 AM   #5
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tulum HB Usertulum HB User
Re: not a moment of peace-vent

I cannot do a thing. every second and every moment I have too many horrific thoughts and feelings and feeling intense impending doom and miserable about the future and excessive worry

Other normal people get to live as though they have ALL the time in the world to live and do things and that is how people can function

What makes things much worse is that I am all alone when my kids are not with me and NO ONE wants to be my friend

I keep trying and suggesting and calling people but after 3-5 times and no response and me doing everything then of course I feel frustrated

I hate that I can't plan my kids' futures because I keep feeling I won't be around long enough

I do what I can and force myself to but it's never enough

 
Old 08-01-2010, 06:54 PM   #6
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Kaybug HB User
Re: not a moment of peace-vent

Have you gotten you thyroid tests back?

 
Old 08-02-2010, 03:03 AM   #7
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5088 HB User
Re: not a moment of peace-vent

Fear of dying is a normal symptom of anxeity .

I dont have many friends either , i think it is because im so "high energy".

Hnag in there .

Have you tried prayer ??

Best thing i have done .

Last edited by ms_mod; 08-02-2010 at 06:26 AM. Reason: Removed unnecessary quote. Ms_Mod

 
Old 08-07-2010, 08:13 AM   #8
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Janebobjoe HB User
Re: not a moment of peace-vent


You have friends here -- keep posting and reading.

 
Old 08-07-2010, 09:31 AM   #9
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tulum HB Usertulum HB User
Re: not a moment of peace-vent

Yes, but unfortunately they didn't find anything abnormal
I was hoping they would find SOMEthing so I could have some rational explanation to this madness

but I was upset to learn I have osteoarthritis, low vitamin D, low hemoglobin, and high cholesterol which all gives me so much more to worry about the future.

I see things only getting worse

 
Old 08-07-2010, 12:36 PM   #10
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tulum HB Usertulum HB User
Re: not a moment of peace-vent

Marie

what do you do to cope, how to you calm down, how do you feel better

I am just so worried that I will die soon and leave my kids or something awful will happen or I will be stuck this way forever

I just see no hope

Last edited by ms_mod; 08-07-2010 at 02:27 PM.

 
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