Hello HealthBoards Note: If you can't read all of it or parts of it please don't reply
Hello everyone here at HealthBoards, I was just wanting your opinion on my.. Anxiety Disorder that I have apparently. So please read my thread thoroughly. Some things you should know before I start,
I have smoked cigarettes since I was 11 years old. My dad physically abused me from the time I was 6 to the time I was 14 and a half and the verbal abuse just got worse. I was humuliated 24/7 and called DHS 3 times, and all 3 times he was given some sort of state paper saying he was guilty of mental abuse, physical abuse and such. 3 months before I was diagnosed with anxiety my friend and I got drunk and he hit me in the back of the head 5-8 times with his fist with my head 3 inches from the pavement.
Anywho, I am a teenager . My name is Kieth, I am from Iowa. I was dignosed with GAD when I was 13 years old. I will tell you the story on how it happened. I being a new generation and all do stupid stuff, and I smoke, etc. Anyway, I was in my friends truck with him and I found a cigarette short in the ashtray, (I was feeling COMPLETELY fine, nothing was wrong with me or anything), and I asked him if he had a lighter so I could try to get 3 or 4 drags of it, and I did, and I put it out. About a 20 seconds after my last inhale my mind went beserk. My breathing sped up, my heart sped up and went off beat, and my arms and legs started tingling. This was what my doctor called an "Anxiety Attack".
I thought nothing of it of course, I mean, I've had the flu and thats pretty bad and I got over that, but this is much different. After I had this "Anxiety Attack" a number of symptoms started occuring in my everyday life. First I started to worry about little things that I never even thought of before, (Trpping and falling on a knife, or breaking my jaw on a counter or something along those lines thats completely irrational), and the fear of these things were processing through my mind 1000 miles a minute. I just couldn't get them out of my damn head.
So after having this symptom, I started trying to relax myself, sitting down and taking time to watch TV or go outside and mess around abit. This DID not help at all. I soon figured out going outside scared the hell out of me. I don't like going outside. I hate it. I don't like being in stores anymore. My dad was diagnosed with Agoraphobia when he was my age (at 14). This was just uncontrollable. If I went outside, the sun would be too bright, and everything would be moving too fast. When I went into stores I could hear EVERY <edit> noise that you can think of, carts moving, bottles clanking around, the loudmouth lady in the row over talking about her kid, all trying to process into my brain at once and I JUST COUDLN'T handle it. I freaked out, I hyperventilated and passed out in the middle of the store.
My father took me to the emergency room in his car (He carried me to the car aparently) and I went in and spoke with a doctor. I was 5'9, 140 pounds, 6.4% body fat at the time. The doctors took 7-8 vials of blood out of me (He missed my vein 3 times) Came back and said there wasn't anything wrong with my blood, nothing. As I stated before in my post, that my friend struct me in the back of the head with his fist 5-8 times when me and him were drunk, so I thought maybe I had a fractured/dented/broken skull. So I had X-Rays done, etc. and they came back allright, nothing broken, just a nasty bruise.
After this they perscribed me with .5 MG Clonazapam and advised that I see a pyschiatrist. So I started seeing a pyschiatrist, talk about my father, and my anxiety etc. and she put me on 40mg Citilapram or something along those lines. After all this my symptoms kept getting worse, Id worry about things, the worry would go away but there would still be that feeling deep in my head of just pure.. worry but I wouldn't be thinking about it. Then everything started going fuzzy in my head. I wouldn't be able to recall certain events that I normally would, ex. the day of the month, or the day of the week, or what I had for breakfast 2 days ago. (Is that normal?), and this worried me even more. Then I had a feeling of.. not being here. Like everything that I was seeing was a movie going on in my head.
After this, I started abusing my medication, taking twice the dose, etc. This went on for about a year. After this period of a whole year of abusing my medicine I realized I was slowly starting to abuse it more, taking more and more each day. (Max Ive ever taken in one day is 5 pills of .5 clonazapam (I never took the citilaprom)), and would run out. When I ran out the symptoms I stated before were x10 worse. I couldn't handle it. I was frequently crying, I was confused on what I was supposed to do and what to do when I woke up, in the middle of the day, etc... This all is a blurr in my head, and there are just.. floating images in my brain that I can recall that I can't tell if they are real or not.. but I guess they will have to suffice for now.. But yeah thats basically what wen't down.
Now a days I suffer from these symptoms daily:
I have the following questions (Please don't troll or laugh at me):
- Loss of interest in certain things (Ex. going outside, I dont like it. It scares me.)
- Depersonalization (Feeling that I'm not really myself)
- Muscle Spasms (My leg will jsut suddenly move when Im not willing it to out of no where, or my hand will jump 2-3 feet to the side or up)
- Very bad depression (All this comes to me as a big mystery. and doesn't help my current situation.)
- Sometimes a deep loss of appetite.
Is it normal for me to be feeling these symptoms 24/7?
Is it normal for me to forget certain things from 2 days ago that I should remember?
How long does this last?
Could I have suffered brain damage from the blows to the back of my head, and if so what other illnesses or whatever you want to call them could be in play?
Your personal opinion on my sitation?
How do you cope with this sort of thing at school (depersonalitzation and all)? I've been sent home 22 times for it in one year.
What are some home remedited..
Thank you if you read this all. It is rough enough for me to even speak about this with dad.