I have a fear of failure
Hey everyone, I have a few things I need some advice on.
I've had some form of anxiety since I was about 14 (I'm 20 now), and I don't see any way to relieve it. About a year ago I had a few sessions with a community mental health nurse, which helped to a degree, but I moved away about 8 weeks after I started those sessions, so I couldn't make much progress.
I've tried speaking to my parents about it a few times, with varying success. When I first started experiencing panic attacks when I was 14, they were pretty supportive but couldn't really do anything to help. However, now it seems like they don't want to admit that I have problems with anxiety. When I mentioned to them last year that I was going to see someone about it they seemed completely against it for some reason. I remember them both saying, "That's fine, but if you go and see someone you won't be able to get a job anywhere, ever." ??? I don't understand how they could have come to that conclusion. They're totally supportive with every other aspect of my life, and they mean the world to me but I wish they would actually acknowledge these issues I have.
But anyway, to the issues! I suppose I get the typical anxiety; hypochondria, dizziness, difficulty sleeping, OCD-type symptoms, easily startled etc. I've looked at the list of symptoms on here and I seem to experience a lot of them on a regular basis (several times a day or week). Also, it's becoming harder to tell what I have dreamed and what I haven't. I still know that I dreamed about something and it didn't actually happen, but it's taking longer for me to realise it when a though pops into my head, and it's really worrying me a lot.
The most worrying one for me at the moment though is that I have a fear of failure. I feel like I'm never going to be successful at anything. I'm studying music at university at the moment, which is something I really enjoy, and would definitely like a career in in some capacity, but I feel like it's never going to happen. A lot of my friends are older than me and have just graduated and are landing really cool sounding placements/jobs etc. but I don't feel like I'll ever be able to get a job like that. (I'm specialising in music performance; where do you get a placement for that?)
As a result of this I feel very disheartened with things, almost constantly. I play bass, and I don't practice nearly enough because I feel like I'm not progressing, and there are a lot of areas of music that I find incredibly difficult and feel like I'll never be good at. I don't know what to do really, nothing I seem to try regarding music seems to actually lead to me making any progress. I feel like I'm going to be stuck in this rut forever, and that I'll never make anything of myself.
I know that sounds fairly ridiculous since I'm still very young, but I can't picture myself doing anything at all in five or ten years, I'm getting to the stage where I'm thinking, why bother trying anything? I'll never be successful. I can't get out of this way of thinking!
Any advice anyone has would be great. I'm sorry that this post is a bit rambling and dull!