This my first post and I just wanted to say how helpful this all is, knowing youre not alone.
My anxiety has been with me from early childhood and varied over the past 40 years.At about 17 years old I decided through lack of self belief that my only option in life was to find a man who could look after me and as I see it now, assist in delaying me from having to grow up.I could stay in a child-like carefree state.I didnt give a thought to the pressure and anxiety I was inflicting on my boyfriend.I then decided I wanted children and did so without discussing this subject with him either. i believe because of my wanting to stay carefree and taking no responsibility for anything that I have huge amounts of guilt which has manifested into deep anxiety.
Im writing this post because ive never admitted to myself what a selfish person I was although I now see it as a weakness on my part due to lack of self esteem and courage in the early days.I am no longer with my boyfriend although we lasted 20 years together. Guilt and shame still fuels my days and i wake up every day riddled with this feeling of disgust in myself.
I feel i should be punished for not takibg respobsibilty and I have become a passive pushover who lives in fear of having now to take responsibilty.Im a 40 year old child because of this and am terrified of going out, working and worst of all , Myself!
I hope anyone else reading this who feels shame for past behaviour just realises that admitting it and sharing will unburden you a little.Even though you feel youre not worthy of relief.
I am now working through these feelings by writibg them down but do wonder if ill ever forgive myself.