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Old 10-13-2011, 01:05 AM   #1
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Unhappy Co-dependancy/stuck in infant mentality

This my first post and I just wanted to say how helpful this all is, knowing youre not alone.
My anxiety has been with me from early childhood and varied over the past 40 years.At about 17 years old I decided through lack of self belief that my only option in life was to find a man who could look after me and as I see it now, assist in delaying me from having to grow up.I could stay in a child-like carefree state.I didnt give a thought to the pressure and anxiety I was inflicting on my boyfriend.I then decided I wanted children and did so without discussing this subject with him either. i believe because of my wanting to stay carefree and taking no responsibility for anything that I have huge amounts of guilt which has manifested into deep anxiety.
Im writing this post because ive never admitted to myself what a selfish person I was although I now see it as a weakness on my part due to lack of self esteem and courage in the early days.I am no longer with my boyfriend although we lasted 20 years together. Guilt and shame still fuels my days and i wake up every day riddled with this feeling of disgust in myself.
I feel i should be punished for not takibg respobsibilty and I have become a passive pushover who lives in fear of having now to take responsibilty.Im a 40 year old child because of this and am terrified of going out, working and worst of all , Myself!
I hope anyone else reading this who feels shame for past behaviour just realises that admitting it and sharing will unburden you a little.Even though you feel youre not worthy of relief.
I am now working through these feelings by writibg them down but do wonder if ill ever forgive myself.

 
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Old 10-13-2011, 02:44 PM   #2
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Re: Co-dependancy/stuck in infant mentality

I know its strange to reply to your own post but ive just read it after writing it this morning and iveonly just realised how my anxiety is affecting me.its like someone else wrote it and im an onlooker.I guess ive gained something positive from this site then-
Perspective.:s

 
Old 10-14-2011, 01:49 AM   #3
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Re: Co-dependancy/stuck in infant mentality

Hopeful you have taken the first step. Just by writind in here and asking for help is a major step for you. I am really not sure what your going to gain by still feeling ashamed of your past. You cant change it. All you can do now is look forward and use your past as a guide of the "to do' and not to do's" Now that you have done this it will be very important for you to make an appointment with your doctor so they may get you a referral to someone who can assist you with all of your next steps. Although you state that you were child like in having your child, do you have any relationship with the child? These type steps are not going to be easy for you, but here you do and will have a large support network. The majority try to keep up with posts and with the ones that we respond to. Here's the thing that you may not even realize as you are going through this process there may be others with similar issues that you will be able to help. With that in mind ou will be helping yourself. So I am going to congradulate you on your first step. Please continue the hard work and keep us posted.
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:55 AM   #4
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Re: Co-dependancy/stuck in infant mentality

Thankyou for your kind words.i initially came to this site for anxiety as a result of misunderstandings with an aquaintance but found that the post I was reading seemed to open a floodgate of relief.I was not fully aware of the deep rooted angst Ive been harbouring for so many years.I came to this site with one problem and was awoken to another.All I can say is Thankyou and if what ive written has helped anyone else then thats a positive thing.What im realising now is that we are a product of all of the unresolved issues of the past.This forum has led me onto a path of resolution that I was subconsciously unaware I needed.
I am slowly trying to accept that this will take time but it is time to take responsibility.
Youre right, admitting your faults is positive and cathartic too.
Thankyou for takibg those few minutes to validate my post.It means a lot.
Im sending a big dose of courage out to you all in my thoughts.

 
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Old 10-14-2011, 03:23 AM   #5
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Re: Co-dependancy/stuck in infant mentality

Hope your good, we are all here to help each other. You are trying to accomplish something. There is nothing in this world that we do alone. We think we do but in reality we have help from somewhere. Here whats cool is although we make friends, we are all still strangers. Not like we can run around town telling our secrets. I came here for something else too. Then I found out that I was able to help others in different areas the same way I was being helped. I like to know how you're doing you have a hard task in front of you. Whether you do it all on your own or go to a doctor. I take Xanax for my anxiety. It helps. So I wish you the best and I'm always here
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