LOL. Oh my, where to start. It's awesome, then again not awesome that everyone here feels my pain. I feel sorry for you. So sorry. I used to make fun of people like us. Well I'm paying for it now. I look back on who I was and I'm filled with regret, I was just a pleasure to be around and people just loved the way i was and would go out of their way to see me. Now I don't even want to be around me, i'm weird because of this damn anxiety.
I'll make my life story short and topic specific. I used to have a really full life. Lots of good stuff, but even more bad stuff. I got married to a beautiful girl that turned out to be the worst drug addict I've ever seen 13-14 80mg oxycottons per day from what I new of. She brought me to places I never wanted to see, made me meet people that were truly evil, and I regret my every decision thereafter. My girlfriend after that, was also astonishingly gorgeous and my apartment manager of all things (hot) but a real head case. After we started dating, she told me that she was raped by her dad.. eek. I never hold things like that against people but maybe that's my problem.. I'm too empathetic
Not like my shallow, narcissistic, self-involved friends which have perfectly well structured lives. But where do I find these girls? They find me I guess. Anyway, she had extreme anxiety and panic attacks. I broke up with her, and not a month later, I got ANXIETY.
Since then every single minute of everyday is a challenge and it tears me up inside. I dread talking to the next person that's going to think "what a weirdo" and give me weird looks, talk behind my back & avoid me as much as possible. I mean I still feel like the same person, but obviously I'm not. Anyone that's not exactly the same is different, and everyone that is different is cast out of the "normal box" and not that I really care that much of what people think about me cause I really don't honestly, but it does hurt a little to feel so extricated from society.
More over though, I can't have a normal customer service job!!! Because I'll feel short of breath, the feeling of fleeing the room "fight or flight" lol dizziness, blah blah blah... you anxiety people know what I mean.. what employer wants someone like that? My last job was the first job that I was at when the anxiety began, and it was a nightmare. After 2.5 years everyone there began to hate me. Even the sympathetic ones. Just for the simple fact that they don't know what anxiety really does to people.. and I came to really feel alone. Extremely alone even in a room full of my closest friends and family. I mean dammit, I don't do drugs, barely drink anymore, and I'm not a bad person. Every drug that I've heard of to treat anxiety and panic attacks has MAJOR side effects and/or can be addicting like alpralozam (xanax) or any of the other benzos (benzodiazepines). And before you health nuts get on here and start telling me DIET AND EXERCISE.... I've tried it. I was in really good shape running everyday, biking, playing basketball, surfing, sit ups, pushups, leg lifts, benching, weightlifting, chinups, pullups... and of course eating really healthy foods. Nothing worked. I tried testrogain, natural male hormone boost, and that worked a little. But not much. I'm just out of options. But oh my god. Xanax works. For a day and a half, i felt NORMAL AGAIN. What a feeling. Completely normal. It was awesome. But who wants to get addicted to a drug? uuuughhhhh.. I'm tired of thinking, and out of options. Maybe i need a lobotomy lol hahaha Well at least I haven't lost my sense of humor