Did my day shift, only had a rise of panic twice, once in the morning and once in the day. I am so exhausted now though... got one more shift tomorrow 5-1am and then I'm free for an entire week! They shot my hours down to 2 shifts next week and i'm unsure if it's for my benefit or theirs :S
Yesterday everything went well, I visited my mom, went to the pub, then went to the pub again to have a meal, I spent the entire time there without panicing and even stayed after the meal and was fine. I had a good day tbh,
Today however, I have felt sick most of the day, had a mild panic before I took the dog for a walk, wasn't even going to consider walking him, but letting my partner do it but was ok. I did go to shops but needed the toilet (one of the anxiety symptoms). I'm on my own tonight and tomorrow although I'm going to go to town for the first time on my own without having to go to work to meet a friend... So it's my next step of getting back into my life. My bad week 2 weeks ago at work means i have £20 to my name
One evening left before work, I had a very bad day yesterday, I woke up feeling angry, depressed, worthless and so many other things. I cried for most of the morning and threw up a lot which is what happens when i cry hysterically. It's like the build up of flem and stuff makes me choke and being out of control.
I sent some messages to my boyfriend which I think angered him so he started ringing me loads and I nearly chucked my mobile out the window, he texted me saying he had something to say and to pick up so I picked up and screamed at him to leave me alone.
*sighs* he made me feel quite bad at first, telling me off for declining his calls and so on and so on... I told him I couldn't do it anymore, that I wasn't worth anything and he'd be better off without me and i couldn't live with this anymore and wanted to die. This usually makes him angry and he used his 'teacher' voice (he isn't a teacher but you know the type of voice) and was like RENATE, STOP, STOP NOW... so on, eventually i calmed down and he told me to either go to bed or watch TV, I spent the rest of the day watching things on my netbook in bed until he came home.
We had a talk because i felt the way he dealt with me when i was that low was actually quite cruel, some of his texts suggested he'd had enough of my insecurities and he was sick of telling me this and that... I asked him how often nowadays I expressed any insecurities theses days compared to when we first met, he admitted that it was rare and I told him that at no point was he allowed to yell at me, tell me to basically pull myself together and so on whilst I was that physically and emotionally low.
I don't expect him to understand as he seems to never had a tough day in his life and he's 26 on Sunday, his family are amazing, he's been lucky with jobs, health, the worse thing he's had was being over weight but he's had the motivation and ability to lose most of it and be a normal weight now. He's even travelled most of the world. I said, I don't expect you to feel anything like I do until you physically lose someone, whether that be heartbreak from us breaking or a family member dying, he agreed.
I was just so tired of feeling so unwell and unhappy and having to physically push myself just to live.
Woke up this morning feeling completely the opposite and feeling positive and strong.
The following user gives a hug of support to NatePanda: Terri880 (08-11-2012)
Well I managed to get to work without problem, on the bus.
I did my entire shift without a problem also and only had a small amount of panic today and a lump, I was even around baby poo and vomit which I expected would make me heave because I heave at things like that atm but I was fine. (Visited my best friend)
Erm i'm unable to sleep as it's nearly 3am here, feeling a tad insecure so trying to busy my mind until I'm tired as I don't want to disturb my boyfriend for nothing and it's his birthday today.
I've work today 5-12 and I need to get a taxi home as my boyfriend will be away from mine tonight. I then have 4 days off but will be doing my first counselling session on Tuesday as they've classed me as critical.
No taxi, he gave me the choice of seeing him tomorrow for a few hours or being picked up tonight and as money is tight I chose no taxi.
Didn't sleep well so woke up with fluttery heart anxiety which I had friday before work also. It's weird, like i really don't like this type of anxiety but it's easier to manage over the lump in my throat. Not sure why i'm experiencing so many different types of anxiety.
I don't think it's different types of anxiety, but rather different symptoms of which there are a million. People with anxiety don't always get the same symptoms and none others, especially when they really have panic disorder.
Please elaborate. The counselor is seeing you for a few hours? Here they see you for 50 minutes. And he's picking you up? That's odd. Is that how it normally works in the U.K.?
Lol no I'm being picked up by my boyfriend tonight instead ofseeing him for a few hours monday night instead. The counselling session is 50 minutes on tuesday midday. I guess, I on't experience one symptom at a time and they change almost weekly.
The Following User Says Thank You to NatePanda For This Useful Post: Terri880 (08-12-2012)
So yeah, shift was good... it's made my partner and I think perhaps it's agoraphobia now and although it started with work I've succeeded in convincing myself I'm safe at home and when I get to work and that's my goal, to get to work, once I'm there I can calm down. I even had the boss AND another staff member try and get me to sniff disgusting stuff, I think one was found in the managers office (a mug of mold) and the other was the bin and I declined as I knew it would make me heave lol.
My stomach feels uneasy today but it'll go, I woke up earlier than I wanted too because there was a cherry picker outside my flats and it was loud and I think the neighbour is moving out and they're loud also!