I'm 23 years old and I've had on and off anxiety for 5 years.
When I was 18 I was in a very degrading and emotionally painful relationship, I got food poisoning which lasted 2 months and because of the emotional abuse I got from my then boyfriend, I developed anxiety which meant whenever I left the house, I was anxious and usually threw up in public, i lost my place at college, my social life dived and I just fell apart.
I eventually left him and met someone new, he helped me get over the major parts of my anxiety, it took a year or two, I'm not sure how long really, I now realise i wasn't completely well but my life became manageable.
I was okay from around 2007-2010, I suffered with Depression more than anxiety but I had a full blown (text book) panic attack on the 17th of October 2010, just before going to a comedy gig. This set me back around 6 months and I ended up getting Cognitive Therapy.
It's been almost a year since I last had therapy and I've been in work for around 7-9 months and my current job became stressful, people turned against me that I worked with and eventually I broke and my panic attacks came back.
So far I've had 3 bad episodes at work, once being sent home, once being half an hour late. I had a panic attack getting off the bus and i've had a taxi to work for the past 2 weeks.
I am waiting for my cognitive therapy to start again as I've revisited the doctor, I'm going again Friday because frankly since last seeing her, I got worse.
Right, my anxiety started with lump in throat and vomiting, (I have a fear of throwing up in public), even thought I've only ever heaved in public and nothing bad happened from it, I'm still afraid of doing it out of embarrassment. In October 2010, I had what I class as a text book panic attack, shortness of breath, dizziness, panic, feeling trapped and all that. I then experienced heart palpitations for most of the time afterwards, pit of the stomach anxiety and such.
This time, my original anxiety has come back, I developed a lump in my throat, feels like flem, it rises so high that it activates me gag reflex and then i gag or heave and if i can't get on top of it, usually throw something up. Not food, just bile or saliva. I've once let myself get so bad I spent my entire shift at work running to the toilet to heave and heaving into the receptionist bin (I'm a receptionist at Tenpin, which is surrounded by customers pretty much all shift).
The only thing I can do right now is go out if my boyfriend is around, or go to work and I find that incredibly hard to the point as I usually have a panic attack just before the taxi arrives. I am hoping to be able to push myself to town some time, I was going to do it today (Tuesday) but I woke up with a problem with my neck and my anxiety is high, I know within myself I need to start taking buses again, it's just finding the strength.
I joined one other anxiety forum but i never got a reply so left, I hope this ones better I just need to chat to people who know how I feel.
Last edited by Administrator; 07-25-2012 at 12:33 AM.
The following user gives a hug of support to NatePanda: escapegirl08 (07-19-2012)
Well I took the bus yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks and since the last time i had a panic attack on the bus. It was sort of uneventful. I didn't panic and arrived at work at 4pm, a whole hour before my shift. I didn't heave at any of the smells, even when the toilets smelt REALLY bad... I'm a lot calmer today because of it I think. It was a very hard shift, very busy but I had a good review on the mystery bowler reports, 0.4% off winning £50
Tonight, two receptionists (me and another girl) because we're very busy again, mainly all children. I'm taking the bus again, I've been able to eat today, yesterday i managed 2 crumpets, a ham sandwich and some orange juice (the entire day).
Today I've managed a bacon bap, a pop tart, orange juice, hot juice and I'm going to either order some fries tonight at work or if I have enough courage, go to Sainsburys and buy a sandwich.
Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. Have you been on any medicine for anxiety? I know how it feels to not even want to leave the house. I have two young children and I stay home and inside all day with them because I just don't want to face the world when I feel so awful.
I've had some Diazpan but i only took two tablets, every time I took one, I'd burst into tears a few hours later and the doctor wouldn't recognise it, I mean, it was hysterical crying, i couldn't control it, and nothing set it off... it was weird.
I take self subscribed rescue remedy spray and drops.
Yesterdays shift was horrible, we were so busy that we didn't give 'great' customer service in my opinion. I was trying to do people in order of request but would get side tracked by the boss or ssomething and people were waiting forever for simple things. At one point a customer asked if anyone was available to put some bumpers up (bowling) and I looked around and said, I really don't think so, because she saw I was busy, the bar staff was busy and I couldn't contact anyone in the kitchen as only me and the boss had radios!
I started at 4:30pm, originally was suppose to start at 5pm, we finished at 2am! Originally was meant to be 12:30am. The annoying thing was we finished late because of a day staff members mistake on the night till, making it £26 down...
Todays shift is 4-1am, so properly near 2am so basically the same. I didn't panic on shift but i got really unhappy and depressed as i got stuck on bar and I'm a receptionist, I hate bar jobs, I wouldn't ever take one as a job because they make me miserable. I got talk down to by a customer, I ignored them and they said you don't give up do you... Eugh.
Got quite a few, you're doing fantastic, they should employ more staff you poor thing.
I paniced a tiny bit when I was doing washing up (which was another reason we were late, kitchen didn't do their close well), smells didn't bother me and I did manage to go to Sainsburys although I did have to have my drops quite often.
Oh, I wacked my head 3 times on a the metal bowling rack, that really hurt and it's sore today.
The fact I'm 23 and have no real skills, I have some qualifications but my anxiety started just as I started college so it's been a real struggle to stay in college. I am enrolled in college again this September, for Animal Care level 3. I decided if I study something I really enjoy and have a passion for I made be able to by-pass the anxiety and just enjoy the course, it'll lead me to hopefully study animals in university and then find a job in the animal world. I really do love animals.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to work full time which means my partner and I won't ever live together as it isn't fair on him to pay a major part of the bills. Which means we may never take the right steps to marriage and kids (I don't feel comfortable the other way round, was brought up very religious although I'm not now, it's still in my bones lol).
Loads of people in my high school are now engaged, married, have kids and or have travelled a good portion of the world, I've travelled a small amount of England and 2 countries... I love the idea of travelling but my anxiety doesn't. I know it goes away but at the same time, I find living very very hard ALL the time.
Todays shift... nearly produced me to tears, it was another stressful shift with no help, I mentioned it to a boss and he just shrugged it off. I was running about serving customers, I got told off for serving on bar when someone was at reception and I said, I'm not leaving the customers at bar to stand around when at the time no one was waiting at reception and the bar staff have gone wondering. I asked someone to help me with Lazer whilst I was doing shoes, everyone ignored me... so I had to do shoes then go to Lazer and apologise for being late, everyone was standing around chatting near the end of the night and I just wanted to leave so I got my close done and just kept myself to myself.
Eugh, 4 days off to destress and try and do something fun.
We're going to sleep late tomorrow and go bowling (another venue) tomorrow night, got to visit my mom and do a little shopping for her and us.. Ermm clean out two of my animal cages and get some storage items, apply for my passport and send some things in post... sounds productive, hope it is... Sunday I'm going to take a dog for a long walk somewhere, (I walk dogs for a Charity because I can't own one in my flat) I walk them for elderly people who can't physically walk their dogs anymore.
The following user gives a hug of support to NatePanda: escapegirl08 (07-21-2012)
Well we didn't sleep until 4am Friday after watching some tv together (my bf & me). So woke up around 1pm the next day, too late for post office, I woke up with a lump in my throat but still got ready and we went to the shops, i bought a dress but couldn't find any storage items, bought some hair dye, whilst we travelled to mom, i sneezed and had a mild panic attack straight after (heaving)... I just got on with it, erm went my moms for a while, I couldn't face going to the shops so didn't, we did go bowling though and I didn't have a panic attack, went to my own venue though (where i work). Feel better, e.g no lump in throat.
I can relate. Years ago I had it so bad i would be at a store and had to leave everything there and get home. This went on for a very long time and when i felt like that i also felt like my heart was going to stop beating. Now i am happy to say i am on celexa and klonapin for anxiety and what a difference. I no longer struggle with feeling like that at all.Maybe you should go to your doctor and let them know how you feel. It is the worst feeling in the world,and you dont need to suffer like that when their is help for you. Take Care
I don't exercise often, I have a very physical job & I'm usually exhausted by it that I need to rest most of my days off... Although I do believe I'm slipping back into quite bad depression which is why I'm also exhausted all the time. Now summers here, I've asked my boyfriend if we can go play Tennis or i'll help him with his football training so we will be doing a bit of exercise this evening in the park and I walk a dog for 1 hour once a week.
Last night my boyfriend told me I'm very negative about myself and he feels it'll make me worse mentally which will stop me recovering faster.
I've decided to write all the negative things about me on this post and in a book, then think of a reason behind that negative thought and then write the opposite to it (a positive). Then focus on those positives.
I did some meditation in the bath listening to a recording, was strange but I'll get used to do it, I'm going to do it once a day and build it up. I'm going to try and do a small amount of yoga also.
My mental state at the moment is affecting my diet, I am finding it difficult to eat, I have to be starving before I can face anything other wise I feel sick. I don't really know how to stop this. My doctor is away for 2 weeks, so I can't go the doctors, I don't know how far my counselling referral is either.
So my negative thoughts.
I'm very behind in life because of this illness, I'm 23 and have barely any qualifications or skills to my name.
Everyone else from my high school are way ahead in their lives, they've either travelled, had children and got married or have finished uni and are in dream jobs.
I don't think i'm ever going to be normal, (what I mean by this is...) being unwell, being able to do something without having a reaction or suffering a tiny bit.
I'm really fat but my motivation to lose weight comes and goes and atm I can barely function on food so even considering a diet right now wouldn't be very good.
Last edited by Administrator; 07-25-2012 at 12:36 AM.
Well Tuesday, I went post office and went for a walk around the block, spent some time with my sister, I've felt really unwell most of the evening and went to bed quite early. Felt quite bad most of Wednesday but pushed myself to work only to be sent home 3 hours later because we were dead and they're having problems with payrole (not enough money I guess).
I didn't have too bad a trip there and walked and spent some time in Sainsbury's before being picked up by my partner.
Day off again today so I'm going to go for a walk, post office possibly or go to town and try and do my passport, even if it's just the photos I get done.
I do feel like I'm getting better, but might have some time to go.
I went to the post office but it wasn't open due to some problems with the computer system, I took a slow walk up to the Castle and walked around and took photos, I spent some time in the herb garden then walked home. I felt okay.
Had a very bad night sleep so I've woken up feeling really unwell and quite anxious. I'm working 5-1am tonight if they are busy, my boyfriend is at a funeral and I'm worried about him. It might be why I'm slightly anxious or it might be because I feel kinda unwell and know I need to go to work. Just had some housing news too which was what I expected but means I'm in a bit of debt with my rent, I'll get back on top, i know I always do... it's annoying as once again it's caused by a 3rd party and not myself.
Tomorrow I'm visiting my mom and then going to a party for my dad's 50th, a lot of people there I won't of seen for years so I might be a bit anxious about that but I guess I don't need to stay too long if I can't do so.
NatePanda....you sound like you have bad panic disorder and you could have borderline agoraphobia if you didn't have to work. You sound like if it were your choice, you might avoid going out to avoid the anxiety associated with it. Although you seem to have it everywhere. I have GAD, and did have one panic attack. My mom has struggled with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia since I was 15 so when I got a panic attack, I knew what to do. I got on Xanax. And now I've been on it for 15 years, but I haven't had another panic attack, thank God. It was the most horrible think I'd ever been through. Now I just have GAD....not always, but bad recently. As I get older, it gets worse.
I think you really need help. You can't go on like this. Is there someone you can see that's a professional? I believe you need therapy and possibly medicine at least short term. Please...I'm not a doctor. It's just my opinion based on my own experience with Anxiety....so you have to come to your own conclusions. But I don't see this disease getting better on it's own when it is so severe as yours seems to be.
Good luck and I really hope you feel better!!!
Oh and one other thing.....you really need to exercise just as much as possible. It really helps anxiety a lot!!
I have agoraphobia but I don't like to point this out, we seem to have an obsession with 'tagging' ourselves. I disliked the fact my doctor said I was a anxious person... like the illness defined who I am?
So if you wanted to know what psychologists tagged me with, I have mild agoraphobia, a personality disorder and was once thought to have bi-polar. I also have underlying depression which can become quite bad sometimes but I haven't suffered major with it for at least 2 years, which is why it's classed as under lying depression.
I understand the exercise bit, I will take up more, I have plans to do more with my boyfriend, help him with football training and do some tennis which is something I'm looking forward too, my job is very physical, i ache almost constantly because of it.
I will never ever give into this illness, I promised myself this... I haven't ever given into it for more than a week even if I do feel like I want to and have let it rule certain parts of my life.
I heaved on reception Friday nights shift, yet I still got on with it, i want to ring in sick every time I have a shift, but I never do, I force myself out because I know, 1. They like yelling down the phone lol 2. I don't like letting people down which obliviously if you're the only one who can do receptionist when on shift then you're letting the team down by not coming in. My anxiety is stress related, I've had a very stressful time at work coupled with 2 car accidents which I used to have a phobia of, this topped me over and boom my attacks started up again.
I'm not sure why my 2nd episode in 2010 happened, but my first ever experience happened because I was sick for 2 months with food poisoning and then I had an abusive partner on at me the entire time, telling me I was faking it, beating me up, cheating on me.
Yesterday I had mild anxiety due to work putting me on stand by (a day I had booked off) because the other receptionist didn't turn up, in the end they didn't call in for me, so I ended up still going to my dad's 50th, I panicked a tiny bit before but it went soon after being there which I found weird, it's a massive social occasion, loads of people I hadn't seen for years, I got a lot of attention and tbh I hate this, I hate massive social things I can't easily leave but I was fine... I also aren't close to my dad and usually feel uncomfortable around him, but everything was good... we left after 2.5 hours and went home, been fine since. Got work tonight at 5, going to walk the dog in a bit and I've got to get a taxi tonight as my bf is going home for band practise.
Forgot to say, I don't wish to put something as unnatural as a chemical that can control my brain. My mother has schiz, she was on a tablet for 12 years that made her a zombie, she lost all her teeth, put on a bag load of weight and lost contact with her family because they couldn't be bothered with how difficult she was. This was because of medication that controlled her mind, the doctors still don't think anything was wrong with her, yet since I got them to change the tablet, she goes out, has no panic attacks, is dating, gets her hair done at the salon, dresses nicely, rings people less, cleans her house everyday, I ever taught her to text which she wouldn't of even attempted 3 years ago...
It works for some people but all the complications that can come with it aren't something I'm willing to risk putting my body thought. I am however going to get healthy again, lose weight, do more exercise like you suggested and get back to how I was, learn to deal with my stress and get my cognitive therapy again heh.
Well, you sound like you have a good plan!! Medicine is not for everyone. I didn't want it either (that's why I'm trying to get off it) but I would have done anything to keep from having another panic attack and the low dose of Xanax I took, did the job. In fact, I've never had another panic attack. Remember, it's a low dose. And it doesn't control your mind. It's simply a tranquilizer like Valium so while it's in the psyche drug category, I guess....it's not the same as anti depressants or things like prozac really. I would rather not rely on anything either.
Also, it's good you don't let fear control you. I do not either. I do everything, whether or not I'm scared or worried.
Sunday, I ended up not going into work, I don't think it was anxiety based, I'm not sure... I did feel nervous the hour before work but nothing else, then when I took my dog for a walk, I ended up throwing up after he did a poo, it usually doesn't bother me, I know my anxiety does make me react to smell if I am particularly tense. Anyhow, I went round the corner and just started throwing up so much my boyfriend took our dog and gave me the keys, i was shaking and I walked back to the car and rang into work, they were understanding even tho i gave them nearly no time to find a replacement receptionist for the night.
I got home once he had walked our dog and just lay on the sofa in a sort of Zombie way (boyfriends words lol) he went home and I felt sick on and off but no more vomiting or heaving... I did get a headache so bad I couldn't look at lights thought.
Anyhow, woke up this morning (day off) and didn't experience any depression or anxiety. I have cleaned my kitchen properly, scrubbing the floor, washing sides, everything... (I am very bad, I find housework incredibly hard, properly because of my depression, i don't know). Cleaned up part of the guinea pig room and even did a few choirs I've put off for a while.
Anyhow, I've got 4 shifts this week, which I need as I've got a load of rent to pay and only did 1 & half shifts last week.
I do hope I am able to do my shifts and more importantly get to work everyday, including the day shift without falling apart. I can usually deal with it if I don't heave or feel sick. I've rang doctors to try and get an appointment as I need my referral to move quicker tbh but she's still away so have been advised to ring back on Tuesday next week...
Things I need to discuss are
My referral, my right shoulder keeps slipping out (not sure it's that serious but its the second time I've felt this incredible pain in my right shoulder blade in 3 weeks), explain how my weeks have gone, e.g 1 bad week, 2 good weeks, 1 bad week so far.
Tbh sometimes I do think of medicine simply because I get exhausted, I have to work, I have to earn money to live as JSA wouldn't be an opition if I quit. I'm going to try and book some time off in September, perhaps like a goal to look forward to and we're planning on going away for 1 week but i'll ask for 2 weeks off so I can like not be, oh the holidays over so back to work... we'll see ^_^
I'll update you on how I deal with the bus again and my shift 5pm-12am. tomorrow.