Trying so hard to be perfect - Anxiety Message Board

Citykittie · 01-07-2003, 11:08 PM

When I was a kid my parents continually told me how inept I was and how I would be back in their home as an adult because I'd never make it.

So I began to be the most responsible, serious teenager ever. By the time I was 20 I had close to 6,000.00 saved. I was perfect. I paid my bills on time, saved money and was super responsible. It felt sooooo good. It was a total high.

Now at age 30 I am having panic attacks. I can not quit trying to be perfect. I cannot relax. There is always something to be done. I have to do lists and reminders everywhere. There is this underlying fear of me missing something and everything I have accomplished crashing and me turning out to be a real looser.

Isn't it weird how what started as a coping skill and a feeling of pride has now consumed me to the point I cannot breathe sometimes feeling so overwhelmed.

Mrs.romano · 01-07-2003, 11:29 PM

THE REASON UR HAVING THESE ATTACKS NOW IS THAT U ARE REALIZING NO ONE IS PERFECT AND UR PARENTS TURNED U INTO A PERFECTIONIST JUST TO PLEASE THEM ..
JUST BE HAPPY THATS NUMBER ONE ..

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stacy

Bubbly20 · 01-08-2003, 04:35 AM

I relate to how you feel but in different ways. I think its good tha you recognise why you are a perfectionist.

I was brought up in a strict religion where the word perfect was used far too much in every day vocab.
Now i have awful thoughts about myself, used to have panic attacks, still get horrid anxiety and depression, feelings that i am an awful person and dont deserve happiness.
Its not easy to change your beliefs and ways of doing things...your own viewpoint on things..but im sure you can do this gradually. Remember you are your own person...be friends with yourself and let yourself relax. Ask yourself whats the rush? You only have yourself to please, not your parents. Its your life.

Bubbly x

ldy06 · 01-11-2003, 05:12 PM

This may sound weird, but I once had a therapist tell me that she thought one of the reasons I was such a perfectionist was because I was never told that it was ok to make mistakes. I was the good smart kid when I was younger. My brothers were always in trouble, but I rarely ever got into trouble. My siblings and cousins were always told they should be more like me and they used to resent me at times. When I look back now I realize that I was under a lot of pressure back then, some from myself and some from adults. I got myself up to a standard that was impossible to maintain, and I thought I would lose that approval if I didn't maintain it. I got plenty of positive reinforcement when I did good, but if I made a mistake, I was given nothing at all. It was like I was ignored. Anyway, that was the therapist's theory and I guess it makes sense. Most people who live in an atmosphere like that probably wouldn't experience any problems, but someone with low self-esteem may not be so lucky.

Does this make sense?

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Canuck_Lady

strait · 01-12-2003, 08:42 AM

I cannot relate to you more. I was never a great student in high school but my genes and my type-A personality I think are what drive me to my limits at times with stress.

I have a difficult time "unwinding". It takes a long time to let my body relax (I mean relax) and let my worries go. For me it's the fact that I don't want to mess up. I always think things have to be professional and lots of effort must be involved even if it's something trivial like writing out a roster for our basketball team. It always has to be neat, organized, and correct.

That's just the way I am. I can't change it very much, but I can realize what I am doing and use some self-talk to tell myself that it's ok to be just good, because that's more than most people can say. We just hold ourselves to higher standards and while that may be good in a way, we also have to deal with the consequences (stress, anxiety, worry) that often accompany it.

The best thing I've heard is that it's ok to strive for excellence but it's impossible to ever reach perfection. Do the best you can and let it be. Let it be. Take care.