Disturbing Thoughts - Anxiety Message Board

Pipar · 10-26-2003, 11:09 AM

Hi all,
Firstly I really hope this doesn't upset anyone, if you do
get upset easily, plz don't read this right now - Thank
you.

Well, Ive decided to come here and declare I have thoughts
of death, not suicide at all I am not depressed (at least
I don't think I am). These thought can be anything from
accidents that kill to murders that other people commit against
people I really care about, my daughter, my partner, my
parents and close friends. I don't think I have willing
hurt anyone I love in these thoughts, except the one where
I fall down the stairs and my baby daughter gets crushed. Of course, I don't want this to happen and it doesnt take over my life, Im also scared of death for me a those around me, though arent most scared of leaving behind everything uve ever known - it doesnt take over my life, im saying. I remember when I was quite small, around 7
yrs I think, (im 21 now), I used to do the same thing, one
recurrent one was my Mum's eyes burning out and becoming
black ash as I stood there and cried, the strange thins is im awfully calm about while im thinking about it - like one side of me is hurting and the other side is control the hurt to try and make it go away.

It rare I think about this during the day but I do at
night especially when i lay in bed, and its very difficult
to control, its almost like half my mind can't help itself
think these awful thing and the other side doesnt like it
one bit, Im training myself to say "no" when i start
thinking about it but it seems to creep back in whatever I
do - perhaps because im so used to doing it.

The thought arent thoughts of wanting things to happen it
just plays over in my mind, where I can see everything - I
can stay quite clam about it coz im actually quite used to
it now, although these thoughts are haunting me more
frequently and as my daughter gets older (11 months at the
moment) I want to enjoy watching her grow without these
thoughts.

Also as a side note, I wouldnt say I was depressed nor
would I say I was very unhappy, i would say however, that
I am contented although there are a few issues that do
need to be addressed but nothing to unusual.

Sorry about the length here. Has anyone else had this?
Does anyone have thoughts on (my) thoughts? Any comments
that are left i will be grateful for - Thank you. x

[This message has been edited by Pipar (edited 10-26-2003).]

hry33 · 10-26-2003, 12:59 PM

Hi Pipar,
sounds like obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD for short
this occurs usually to anxious people and often causes unpleasant unwanted thoughts to come into the mind, its quite common
antidepressant meds often reduce it

books on overcoming OCD have useful advice although some dont give much attention to the thoughts
try a library, you can say you are helping a friend who has the problem
also look up OCD on the net

mochi* · 10-28-2003, 03:16 AM

It is most likely OCD. Do you ever do anything to help make the thought go away. It could be counting, repeating things, or anything alike. There is an OCD page oon this web site, you should check it out. Hope that helps you!

Pipar · 10-28-2003, 03:23 AM

Hi all,

Thanks very much for replying - its means alot when complete strangers will take time out to give you a little support - thank you!

I have read up a little on OCD although it speaks alot more of behavioural compluses (i.e. washing hands frequently being one of the main ones), so im not really sure if it is that as all i do is have thoughts, although I dont know if it has anything to do with it, but I remember when I was in my very early teens or perhaps even younger, I had a thing about doing things 3 times, I just had to do it! Might have been a childhood thing though. When I get these thoughts I do have to try and distract myself though it rarely works and I just end up falling asleep in the end.

Ive made an appointment with some concillors that are local - I have raised my concern over it already and theyve fitted me in next monday!
All the best,
Pipar

hry33 · 10-28-2003, 01:05 PM

the unwanted thoughts are a big part of OCD although curiously, some OCD books dont mention them