I'll try to be brief but narcotics creep up on you more insidiously than your neighbour trying to borrow your lawn mower. Six years ago I drywalled by basement which left me with some chronic pain. I lived with it but my sleep deteriorated and the days appeared longer.
I had a returned collection of Rx of varying meds that patients could not tolerate over the years that I would leave in the old "black" bag. One night I reached into that bag and it led to four years of denial, followed by surprise, then shame....oh the shame. Then the attempts at exorcism from it's grip. SEE ATTEMPTS as in several.
Various opiods crossed my hands including T3, percocet, dilaudid, ms contin then oxycontin, occ injectable opiods and on. A little this and a little that. Not too much I thought. I took one percocet at night for 18 months. I slept better and performed better sexually. I felt it didn't affect my mind.
But when I started taking Oxycontin quickly followed by snorting. 40mg= 8 percocets and then higher I realized the slope was slippery. I did not want to let my family down. My children down. My community in which I am in the light.
I therefore tapered slowly and quit. Withdrawl was total hell. I did not sleep for six nights despite heavy sedation (3mg ativan). I felt like I was losing my mind.My wife new and was supportive but she really and still does not understand my precarious state.
I used all the "measures"listed above in other bulletins.
But I failed not once, not twice but a third. But each infraction led to less intense and duration of use of the drugs.
I became with a great effort to become far more physically active. This releases endorphins as well and I think they are more sustained in the nerve synapses.
Its been weeks now. I am physically healthier. I have pushed myself back from the precipice. But its human nature that we must look over that precipice again. It jumps out at you when you least expect it. The key is to not say "I can handle this..or just a little....I didn't use it much last time..or whatever the beast in your head is telling. And he is A VERY CLEVER BEAST....turn and run from that precipice because this time it might be a long fall.
Can anyone tell me how far away I am from my precipice?

Hi Doc...I started out slowly like you did I was dx with TMJD 12 years ago and after 10 years on NSAIDS I started narcotic meds for a painful pelvic condition and I found they worked on my bad TMJ headaches and symptoms too. So 2 years later here I am after taking one percocet every 4 hours to 20mg Oxycontin 2 x a day and percocet for breakthrough and Dilaudid 2mg at bedtime. Our bodies become tolerant so fast we dont know what hit us. And if you throw in the warm fuzzys of the mind well your pretty well hooked. Mine is more tolerance than addiciton and when I have gone of the meds its been very hard all my symptoms tripled and I ended up taking alot of immodium and Ativan for sleep but I stopped taking them for 2 weeks to see if I could do it and I did. But soon went back to them because my quality of life was nil because of the pain. I know once my TMJD is finally fixed if it is ( facing 2 surgeries and braces) it will be my time to defeat the BEAST. I think you are doing very well by recognising you need to quit and taking it into your hands to make it happen. Dont get discouraged if you relapse it happens to us all. I am sorry your wife doesnt really understand but I think you have to walk a mile in our shoes too really know what we feel and what we deal with trying to conquer this. I wish you the best and you will find the support you need here.
Autumn.

Your pretty close, don't lean over to far..... By the way, which do you perfer, oxycontin 40mgs,mscontin 30mgs or dilaudid 4mgs?

Oxycontin when available, which is infrequent. Why ask?

I don't know what to say, but I do want to say that we all on this board are taking great steps with are addiction and I can't wait until all of us are on the recovery side of things and talk to others who have problems.
By the way.. why would you ask which do you perfer?
Thats silly!!!
An addict in my opionin and this is mine, would perfer anything as long as they got high...

Congratulations on getting off the meds. It's all so amazing, the different stories that we all have. Mine was a horrible skiing accident where I shattered my leg. After surgery and getting home I was just waiting for the leg to heal. Then one morning I woke up with a one inch hole in my leg and blood just pouring out. Staph infection in the bone. Nine surgeries later and an external fixater (5 quarter inch rods drilled through my leg and 2 high tension wires through the knee) left me with a significant opiate addiction. I have to say that I knew I was going to get addicted, but I just didn't see any other way to survive. During that horrible period the pain was terrible and I just could NOT sleep. I talked it over with my doctor (sooo great) and I decided to fight one battle at a time. I had dropped 35 pounds and I had not been overweight to start with. Anyway, when all the surgeries were over, I got to keep my leg, but my knee is in tremendous pain, so I thought I would stay on the Vicodin. As everyone here knows, tolerance leads to more to a greater tolerance, etc. I finally decided that I had to get my life back. Everyone has their own story and I think that everyone's recovery is different. For me, tapering was the way to go. Anyway, the point of all this rambling is to tell everyone that you hit upon a very important point. Exercise. I don't think I would have made it without exercise. As much as I wanted to curl up in bed and just not move, exercise was the best thing for me. It really made the world of difference for me. Sorry for the long rambling post, but I just wanted to give some background. I read somewhere that "Opium can be considered God's greatest gift or man's greatest curse." Good luck and God bless you all.

Hello Doc: I just wanted to say you may be taking a big step forward by stating by admission what you feel was and is happening. I do commend you for that.

I wish you the best and support is a very valuable source. Take care my co-supporter and be well, Risky Business

Dear Doc, your testimony was far too familiar and my heart bleeds with compassion at every word. I don't know what a precipice is but I do know what a relapse is. They are birthed every morning. I have been clean for over three years after a lifelong struggle with addiction. Henceforth my cybername...Anabasis.

Drug addiction is a relationship gone bad. It's a secret love affair that deceives every facet of our life and every member of our family. It is a deliverer at first and then she turns into a heartless slavemaster. I can hardly bear the memory at times.

I wasn't fortunate enough to become a doctor but I did have that desire at one point. I count it all as robbery by the theif of the night that calls us by name and chases us like "a pack of wild dogs". Instead I became a prostitute.

I hope that you lay hold of this precious jewel....one is too many and a thousand is not enough. Something happens in our very innermost being when that substance begins to melt down in our bodies. We begin to feel warm and safe and sexy. I don't know about you Doc but the cost to feel sexy via opiates is way too high for me.

I'll leave you with this... beware of those little foxes that ruin the vineyard. There names are in your passage that I am responding to.

God will sustain us. When we are weak He is strong.

Anabasis, wow...what a story! I won't delve any deeper into what you wrote...but I hope that you will pass along "yourself" to us to the degree that you feel comfortable. Never know... it might help you through the down times.

Doc: Bless your heart...thank you for showing us that it can be done... and I hope you will avoid all possibilities of a precipice... And, thanks! I learned a new word today!

------------------
Gina

PRECIPICE-
1 : a very steep or overhanging place
2 : a hazardous situation; broadly : BRINK

Dear Doc, hope you haven't returned to your quest to nowhere. Please press on and reach for that prize of deliverence. I want to encourage you to continue to fight the fight and will yourself to a victory.

Dear Gina, thank you for your kind words. I desire to minister to anyone who is bound by drug addiction. If that requires me telling all my dirrty little secrets so be it. For if it will keep a young lady from being devoured by the ravages of life as an addict I shall be grateful to smear my name.

I became a prostitute to support my heroin habit which I so naively cultivated intermittenly with pharmaceuticals. I had become so bold and brazen in my addiction and my narcosis, that I approached a pharmacist and propositioned him sex in exchange for schedule 2 narcotics. This was my only resort after exhausting the doctors for my pain pills.

I maintained this mutual death trap for many years, ten to be exact. I became his mistress and the drugs became my master. It was pathetic as well as pitiful. I suppose we both were addicts, just with different poisons.

After this gravy train ran out I was destined to hit the streets to search and seek heroin and bootlegged narcotics. Either that or detox. Well we all know which one won. It sure wasn't the detox.

It is a one way ticket to hell when you have to cop your drugs off the street and you are not street-wise. Wow! I was definately open game and I had to learn the hard way but once I learned I became a real player and I became the predator instead of the prey. This is nothing to be proud of , it's just a reality in the food chain. More reason I have a burden for the addict who might find themselves in such straits.
The streets become a way of life and a soft and gentle person soon becomes a hardened criminal. It's like a web that just keeps entangeling you. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I do thank God that he rescued me and my affliction has been turned into a testimony so that others may conquer their enemies, ie; drugs.

Without this experience I would have no wisdom. Let God be glorified as he works all things together for the good of those who love him.

Anabasis

I too thank God for what He has obviously done for you. He works His miracles in the strangest of ways for sure. I feel a specialness about you and I hope that your continuation of His plan never ends.
You ARE amazing.


------------------
Gina

Dear Gina, thanks for your love. It was people loving me that brought me through some of my toughest times.

If we can just get out of ourselves and help someone else God begins to meet us. It's rather amazing how it works. It goes along with that teaching>>>'tis better to give than receive. It's through that giving out of ourselves that we begin to love one another.

I'm not talking about falling into another needy relationship for all the wrong reasons. I am talking about the ministry of sincere love. The pouring out of our kindness to others in need. Everyone needs a friend and everyone needs to feel special.

Absolutely!

------------------
Gina

In my short life span of 31 yrs I have had my fair share of pain. For the last 6 yrs I have been a constant user of narcotics, to the point of being hospitalised with liver failure.
My whole family was being crossed matched for the best donor suitability. The transplant had to be put off inially as my blood clotting factor was way out of wack. Luckily in that time, my poor battered liver slowly kickstarted. My kidneys also suffered and a short span of dialysis occured.
You would think I would have learnt my lesson from that, but no, I started up my habit again later in the year. I told myself that I could keep it under control, like that was going to happen! The usual tolerance began so the amount grew, depending on pain levels and the warm fuzzy you wanted to get from a decent dose.
All this I kept to myself, keeping my family and husband in the dark. It got to the point that I began to see similer symptoms that resulted in liver failure 3 years earlier. The time had come, because I knew if I didn't do something soon, I would die. So I went cold turkey, and it has been 9 days of complete hell. The sweats, prickly skin, no sleep and spending a chunk of time sitting on the toilet has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Also thinking the whole time that if you took just a small dose to make that part of the day easier, the nightmare might be a bit easier.
I just keep taking each minute as it comes, which will then make an hour and then the hours will eventually make a day. Sometimes I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, and that is what is keeping me going.

Andree
We will keep that glimmer on for you to see.

hang in there http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

#1 Texan

Good luck Andree . . . sounds like you know what to do. My prayers are with you . . . keep the faith!

My friend told me of these boards because, when I run low on pills I become a good boy and begin to strive to go straight - until I get re-fills, and she thought it would be helpful in getting me past, in getting me further. It appears that the way to quit is to not take them, to be here for support and re-inforce that I'm not alone and that others have walked where I walk now.
It's also good to have vitamin ideas to chase down, as aside from the mental numbness of the first day to three, there's that terrible physical crap to go through and I haven't been able to get past that wall yet and maybe, just maybe, there's something that will help me get by because I have an addictive personality and do not know if I can get by it alone, without having something to take - or is that just part of it too?
So, I read the Docs thing, and related.
I read the replies, and related.
I know there's hope - whew!
I'll read on, look for past discussions where I may be able to come up with a plan or add to the one that's developing, how to do it, what vitamins to take, to work in some exercise, to not have to see my children during that time, and what didn't I think of???? There will be something.
I'll look on, and read.
Thanks, Doc.
Your story and pain, has meaning to me, knowing has meaning, ya know?

I found this site by accident and thank god i did-reading the stories of others whose stories mimic one another told me that i was not alone and could face this problem and overcome it--pills to alleviate the pain from surgery-transforming into the need to take the pills simply to get by each day.
each of us can do it;whether with suboxone, tapering or even the hardest way--cold turkey--if you are reading this site, its because you want help and recognize you have a serious problem. I did and the stories i read have given me the strength to admit the problem to my wife-see suspected as much-- and to seek help- i have tapered off by using darvocet and am hoping to avoid going on suboxone. the withdrawals suck but i know its worth it and frankly just before quiting i was feeling lousy anyway--thank you all for your posts--you can't imagine how much each of you has helped out those of us who wanted to stop but could not find the willpower to do so

yes...thanx doc, exercise does realese endorphins
It's so hard for me to get up off my ass to do it tho !!!

I'll try to be brief but narcotics creep up on you more insidiously than your neighbour trying to borrow your lawn mower. Six years ago I drywalled by basement which left me with some chronic pain. I lived with it but my sleep deteriorated and the days appeared longer.
I had a returned collection of Rx of varying meds that patients could not tolerate over the years that I would leave in the old "black" bag. One night I reached into that bag and it led to four years of denial, followed by surprise, then shame....oh the shame. Then the attempts at exorcism from it's grip. SEE ATTEMPTS as in several.
Various opiods crossed my hands including T3, percocet, dilaudid, ms contin then oxycontin, occ injectable opiods and on. A little this and a little that. Not too much I thought. I took one percocet at night for 18 months. I slept better and performed better sexually. I felt it didn't affect my mind.
But when I started taking Oxycontin quickly followed by snorting. 40mg= 8 percocets and then higher I realized the slope was slippery. I did not want to let my family down. My children down. My community in which I am in the light.
I therefore tapered slowly and quit. Withdrawl was total hell. I did not sleep for six nights despite heavy sedation (3mg ativan). I felt like I was losing my mind.My wife new and was supportive but she really and still does not understand my precarious state.
I used all the "measures"listed above in other bulletins.
But I failed not once, not twice but a third. But each infraction led to less intense and duration of use of the drugs.
I became with a great effort to become far more physically active. This releases endorphins as well and I think they are more sustained in the nerve synapses.
Its been weeks now. I am physically healthier. I have pushed myself back from the precipice. But its human nature that we must look over that precipice again. It jumps out at you when you least expect it. The key is to not say "I can handle this..or just a little....I didn't use it much last time..or whatever the beast in your head is telling. And he is A VERY CLEVER BEAST....turn and run from that precipice because this time it might be a
long fall.
Can anyone tell me how far away I am from my precipice?

hi,

i know it's been a while. can you tell me please if you are off or on now in jan. 2005? i was introduced in feb. 2004 for the first time. i'm 27 and was healthy but was swept off my feet and fell head over heels in love with oxycodone. after the all-encompassing hell of WDs finally weened off and have been off for 2 1/2 days.

i miss them. i have a clearer head and feel "better", but i miss them and can't stop thinking about them like they're a lost love. if you are off, or even if you are on....please tell me how you are and why. and, as a physician, can you tell me what would happen to someone like me if they would continue to take them...like 8-10 7.5/325s daily with a hypothetically endless supply?

thanks and concern,

If you keep taking them?.....hmmmmm, you'll whack your liver and then you will die. As a doc you've seen people die of liver failure and it ain't pretty. You might live long enough to lose your license and the respect of your medical peers. It just ain't worth it. You'll eventually graduate from the vics and start with the morphine. You'll end up being just another junkie. Stop while you have a handle on things.

Good luck. It has almost been three years for me off opiads. The first few months is the hardest and if it were not for them putting me in jail I would not have made it. I was on a ton for a very long time. Enough daily to kill a large animal. The key is to never think you can do it again.