Sex addiction is real. My husband is/was a sex addict and has been 'clean' now for one year. Addicitions are any sort of behavior that has control over you when you actually don't want 'it' to control you. They're all hell! I have been married for 27 years and found out about 3 years ago. It was mainly porn and internet and phone sex. I now have no memory that isn't tainted with this fact. I am grateful that he is now a different man.

The book "Bold Love" has helped me understand the addict and also the book "Grace and Addictions" by Dr. Gerald May. It's amazing how my life has changed since discovering my husbands addiction.

Dear Annie...though I have met people with sex addictions before or at least they say they had one but I have never been in a relationship with one. It must have been so hard for you to even look at him the same way. But at least he got help and is a changed man. How did you cope with all this? And did he tell you on his own or did you bust him?
I dont really understand it myself I have met men that cant get enough sex but I always thought it was just a high sex drive. And I also thought looking at those playboys and penthouse were normal too so my question to you is How do you know the difference without the guy confessing between a sex addict and a high sex drive? Just curious..
Autumn.

Autumn, thanks for your reply. I appreciate your interest. Well...I actually found an open email from his other woman. It was, needless to say, devestating. So much so that I turned white and my lips were blue. To make a very long story short...he said that he was relieved that he was 'caught' and had lived with the hell of not being in control for a long time. I truly wanted to leave him, but yet he really did seem truly sorry and wanting free from this 'thing'.

He, with counseling and an open mind and open heart, found out that it was not about sex, but power. Most men who have a sex addiction (or probably any addiction for that matter) have a wounded area that hasn't been dealt with. A very wounded area that hasn't been dealt with!

As far as a high sex drive, we had great sex and still do. Now actually it's better. Meaning we had sex about once a week and now have it about 4 times a week and it's much more intimate. So, he does have a high sex drive (and so do I!!!) but it went way beyond that and became an addiction.

Most addicts are in denial at first and also have this arrogant, pointing the finger sort of side. That was my husband for sure! I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. I would always suggest we go to marriage retreats or even counseling and he would just reply "that's for marriages in trouble, we're fine, we have a great marriage."

Now, we acutally work on our marriage and he's a changed man. I used to be the emotionally strong supportive one, and now he's in the lead. I'm amazed at his gentleness and patience with my pain through all of this.

Anyway...I'm sure I've gone on long enough. The damage that has been done to my heart will probably leave a huge scar and I'll never forget the betrayal...but I live with the ache and thank God my husband is a new, free man. He goes to a sex addict group and is considering going to whatever groups that will listen and telling his story.

Autumn...one more thing which i forgot; the way that a person can tell between 'curious' and sex addiction is that they crave it, and it pulls them...they can't stop even if they want to, from looking at porn, masturbating all the time, and all sorts of other 'sexual pulls'. In my opinion, according to what i've read, an addiction is anything one uses to escape from any sort of pain, and then it grabs a hold of you and you are in 'it's ' control. Does that make sense?

Annie that is a very good description. I am celebrating 10 years "clean time" with my husband. I am the sex addict in my family and it almost cost me my marriage. My husband went through hell and back with me to save our marriage. I don't think the hurt and mistrust ever go away but time does do wonders. My husband always says his first wife left and now he has a second wife. I had drug and alcohol addictions feeding into my sex addictions. So there were lots of changes in my household. It took me getting ahold of God to get things right finally. I am happy for you that his secret is out and that you are working together to heal your marriage.

Karla, thanks soo much for sharing what you did. Congrats on the amount of time that you're clean. We too depend on God. My faith was shaken though, to say the least. It's been only a year since he's been clean and I always wonder. I dont' know about your husband, but I blamed myself party; that I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, etc. etc...anyway..thanks so much and continue to do well.

Thanks so much for your post Annie. I'm new to the board but I've been trying to deal with my husbands problem for awhile now. I think I was in denial for awhile. I was wondering if you know of any online recovery groups to help me learn how to deal with this. Thanks for any information.

Faith....I'm sorry for you. Really, I am!! I'm not sure about groups. My husband started going to a 12 step group which was great. Then a woman sex addict joined and I was extemely uncomfortable with that. It's like, in my opinion, puttin a keg of beer on the table of an AA group. My husband found a Christian, men's only group and really enjoys the intimacy of the men, and their acceptance. I suggested to my husband that i would like to start a support group for the women, if they're interested..and they were/are. I'm having a meeting about getting it finalized tomorrow. Do a search on the net and see what you can find. If nothing..post here and let me know and I'll try to help you find something....in the meantime..my prayers are with you...

Im sorry, I tried to look at this from behind a cutain, but it seems what all of you are describing as "sexual addiction" is "infidelity addiction". are you trying to tell me a sexual addict cannot be satisfied by their partner alone?

Kaleb..i can see how you would think that. However, an orgasm is a great 'high'. But, as you know..sex is complicated and the biggest sex organ is your mind. You just 'feel' it in other places. My husband was into the 'control' and the anonymnity. With the internet and phone and strangers, he could feel confident and powerful. That was the turn on. The reason why he wanted to feel that way had it's roots way back. Ever hear of the 'transference' theory? It explains a lot.

My husband is constantly telling me(and I'm now beginning to believe him) that it had nothing to do with me and our sex life (which was pretty darn active-as a matter of fact..he was the one with the headaches)So yes, he could be sexually satisfied with just me, but because of the deeper roots, it came out as a sexual addiction. It could have been drugs, alcohol, etc...

Addictions all begin with choice and then they grab you, become too powerful to control and your choice is gone.

A single person can have a 'sex addiction' and therefore it's not an infidelity addiction. Either way, addictions are addictions; we all have them. Addictions distract us from pain, but wind up turning on us. At least the way to see if you have one is try living without it altogether. See how it draws you back to itself.

My heart is open to people who have these problems as I have 'been there, done that'. I used to think that i had the answers, and all of my vain arrogant opinions now cause me to be ashamed of who i was. It's amazing how stupid I used to be and how pain has caused me to be more compassionate. It's sort of freeing really! Sorry if I rambled.

[This message has been edited by annie7 (edited 06-06-2003).]

Right, I understand what you are saying, hard for me to coomprehend for me. I'm engaged. I've also been addicted to drugs before. To the point i stole to support my habit. And personally, morally, infidelity is a thousand times worse than stealing.I'm one of those peple who thinks rape is worse than murder, simply because of why your doing it and what it does to the other person. A persons sexuality is their "safe place"

I agree kaleb....infedility is saying to the other person, whether meaning to or not, "you have nothing more to offer me; I'm bored with you, you're not good enough etc".....It's breaking an intimate bond that is 'supposed' to be safe and secure between two committed people. Any sort of addiction is very serious because it does steal so much from the addicted and the people who love them.

Here it is, December, we're still working on 'things'. Amazing how many layers we have covering old wounds etc. Sometimes I am sooo thankful and other times the grief of what I've lost seems unbearable. There are some lyrics to a Dave Matthews song that go something like this, "I can't believe that we will lie in our graves wondering what things might have been, could have been , would have been...."...That's me. I wonder what it would have been like with another man without this problem; but from all I've studied, that's the co-dependant side of me......(sigh)

Here it is, December, we're still working on 'things'. Amazing how many layers we have covering old wounds etc. Sometimes I am sooo thankful and other times the grief of what I've lost seems unbearable. There are some lyrics to a Dave Matthews song that go something like this, "I can't believe that we will lie in our graves wondering what things might have been, could have been , would have been...."...That's me. I wonder what it would have been like with another man without this problem; but from all I've studied, that's the co-dependant side of me......(sigh)
I never knew I was 'co-dependent' til you just wrote that statement. I probably did know, but not the actual definition. Do you have anything you can share to help me and other's like books online things etc.? I wrote about or should say responded to another thread here, maybe these posters missed it.......but you can go to advanced search and 'look-up' posts by user name,,,, look for lastyls and there are other comments there as well. Also PLEASE give us any reading material, self-help (for the uninsured) or does anyone have an 'online website' in particular. Thanks for your help, lastyls

Sorry you are still hurting Annie. It takes a long time for that pain to go away. At least it did for my husband. I know he still feels inadaquite and not good enough because of my actions. I doubt those feelings will ever go away no matter how much I try to assure him it wasn't about him it was about me. All I know is that over the last 10 years we have gotten our intamacy back and trust back. It takes time to heal. There is an online website for Sex Addicts Anonomous that lists by states and cities where meetings can be found at and has online meetings also. Just thought I would mention that an earlier poster had asked.

Some people say that a co-dependent is addicted to the adreneline that is produced from dealing with the addict. Specifically the fights, legal problems, accidents, lying and a multitude of other crisis problems that occur living with an addict. Ordinary life is boring in comparison.

Read Melodie Beattys book called "Co dependent No More" for self help

Some people say that a co-dependent is addicted to the adreneline that is produced from dealing with the addict. Specifically the fights, legal problems, accidents, lying and a multitude of other crisis problems that occur living with an addict. Ordinary life is boring in comparison.

Read Melodie Beattys book called "Co dependent No More" for self help


What you say certainly makes sense....However, I do desire peace, and more and more often, I experience peace. I believe I too am on my way to recovery.

I never knew I was 'co-dependent' til you just wrote that statement. I probably did know, but not the actual definition. Do you have anything you can share to help me and other's like books online things etc.? I wrote about or should say responded to another thread here, maybe these posters missed it.......but you can go to advanced search and 'look-up' posts by user name,,,, look for lastyls and there are other comments there as well. Also PLEASE give us any reading material, self-help (for the uninsured) or does anyone have an 'online website' in particular. Thanks for your help, lastyls

I'm not really sure what the true meaning is, but I've heard that it's the attitude, "If you're okay, I'll be okay." I have been reading many, many books and have had and still have counseling. Actually, my counselor suggested all the books that I'll list for you: "Sacred Romance", by John Eldredge, "Bold Love", by Dr. Dan Allendar, "The Awakened Heart", By Dr. Gerald May. A book called "Out of the Shadows" is good, my husband said that it was extemely good for him to read, but it was sort of too technical for me. It might, however, speak to you.

My goal for my healing is to be secure in my identity as a woman and also be secure in the fact that life is unpredictable, but God is not! That means that my identity can not come from a person, other than God. It also means that I actually know who I am, like/love who I am. I hope that makes sense. I could go on and on, but won't bore you. I sympathize with your situation, your journey in life and can only hope that you find faith in God and yourself.

I'm not really sure what the true meaning is, but I've heard that it's the attitude, "If you're okay, I'll be okay." I have been reading many, many books and have had and still have counseling. Actually, my counselor suggested all the books that I'll list for you: "Sacred Romance", by John Eldredge, "Bold Love", by Dr. Dan Allendar, "The Awakened Heart", By Dr. Gerald May. A book called "Out of the Shadows" is good, my husband said that it was extemely good for him to read, but it was sort of too technical for me. It might, however, speak to you.

My goal for my healing is to be secure in my identity as a woman and also be secure in the fact that life is unpredictable, but God is not! That means that my identity can not come from a person, other than God. It also means that I actually know who I am, like/love who I am. I hope that makes sense. I could go on and on, but won't bore you. I sympathize with your situation, your journey in life and can only hope that you find faith in God and yourself.
You are sooooooo right about God and the faith or lack of in my case,,,,,,,, I am a Christian and left Him to seek my own mind and head. I do know when I came to this 'bridge' in life I let it consume me and it did take me over. I felt powerless, so in turn, I sought my own 'help' within myself. I do recall 'Out of the Shadows',in reading this, I did try to confront my own 'control' of my life. And the subjection, of love, or the pretense of it, would be overcome if I studied it hard and long. I would actually 'read and believe' these words would help me defeat the pain I felt from him,,,,,,,my ex. I do and hope, and encourage all that any one has to say, be shared with us,we need to hear from other women and men for that matter,,,,,,,,,what ground on,,, were you standing? I tried to read books,internet, also my own 'state' of mind. Thank you Annie, for the titles of the books. I want to read more, and again ANYONE out here that reads this, please, give us your thoughts, this is also a very 'true addiction', and I would like for all to tell, or guide us,,,,,,,the women who tried to make this work,,,,,,,,,Thank you, sincerely, lastyls