So~i did it. I went and got 'em. 60 vicos. Is it not mind thing or what? Just the all too familiar jingle they make when they are in my purse makes me feel better. When I say better, like I mean, normal. What good does it do if you sit here and you arent productive? What makes this "right" vs taking the damn pill and getting on with doing this that need to be done. Feeling good and not resenting one foot in front of the other. It is a big deal to muster up enough energy to get to the damn refrigerator to get a coke that I don't really even want. Im just bored and sick of sick and tired and can't find something to do with myself. Oh Lord where is the justice in all this?? I know you folks are about as sick of me as I am. I got to tell yall, if I wasn't answering, so to speak to yall, I'd been already downed 8 and on my way to a dead end road once again. I just want anybody to know that has read any of my post that I do feel obligated to you in a sense because I've opened up to you and even though you don't know me from adam~ I still feel that way. I'm just being honest at how absurd this cycle is. Tim has talked about himself and SWEARS he feels good again. Everybody seems better than me, well, I know okieatheart and Kitty are struggling with issues to but they don't seem to be really questioning this entire process. Oh I know I'm not supposed to do it, I know eventually its going to get me. But.....something is. I used to hear older people say "well if smoking dont get me, something will." I used to think how backwards and ignorant can one person be? I sit here and debate back and forth and I make my list of pros and cons and I come on the board to keep trying to convience myself NOT to continue this...**shakes her head** Maybe I should go get a newspaper and found out about NA~ Ive seen where they meet, but just never thought Id fit in~ maybe I should. Im hanging in there~ but I went as far as getting them filled~ and my pharmacist has got to know~ but he and I have the best time talking. He just jokes around and we laugh. Today when I went in, do yall realize that is the first genuine LAUGH I have had in 7 days??? Gawd~ Ive rambled....sorry once again!

Not Really Stupid: I just got off the phone with a head member of AA in our area. AA/NA I figure they all are silmilar so that's all I could find.

Not Stupid, me and this older man seemed to talk about 30 minutes. He actually seemed to care. But we got into some areas that are grey areas.

He did say some things that made me feel a little better. After what I told him of all I was diagnosed with...he could hardly believe it. He even asked again was I were sure.

So as the conversation continued, my whole intention of the cal was to see what type programs they may have inpatient in this area. He said which I figured that they in honesty would focus on getting me off the meds I am on.

The I asked the dreaded question. Well, what would I do for pain then. I also told him I had not lost everything and that I just wanted to cleanse my organs and body.

He then proceeded to try to analyze me. He said he knew a place that may be better suited for me. They did not just say addict and start detoxing. He gave me about 3 numbers. Even though he was AA... i know that AA/NA is almost alike.

After more conversation, he did ask was I overweight and I answered truthfully. He then stated that that was probably most of the problem. This gentleman was nice but he seemed to search for other reasons other than pain to be on meds. I think he acknowledged that I was not just an addict...that I desperately want off meds.

For me and probably lots of you...it's like a curse. I know in my heart if I go into a detox center, I will be severely sick not just regular WD. I am not going to bore you all right now...but all tests confirms that I have some major problems.

I am a canidate for about 4 surgeries..bet they would not touch me with liver problems and luekemia. So I figure I am waiting for that sting that sends people to another level and ICU. I will still be trying to detox if there is any new programs.

This older man did give me a number where he said they analyze your total body and do not just admit you as an addict. I do not think I am better than any addict. As I told the older man, I think I do my own body better than anyone else.

Not Stupid, all I can do is hope for the best for both of us and all the members. May all be in peace,

Risky Business http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

Well SIn you went and got the Vics but you havent taken any yet. Congrats. Use them as your security blanket if you have to. To some people just knowing you have acess to them is enough to help. Every minuate that goes by that you DONT take one is an even bigger accomplishment because you have them. Its gonna be a battle of wits yours and the lil bottle. My moneys on you http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif God Bless.
Autumn

sincerly...****big hug for sincerly****dont beat yourself up alright. First, I do feel 100 times better than after my first week of getting clean. That is my personal experience. Some may take longer than others...everyone is different. But as I have said before...it was THE hardest thing I have ever done...and would not wish it upon my worst enemy. I failed 2 times before getting clean...and only got clean after almost killing myself in an auto accident because I was drugged up and giving my mother a mear mental breakdown. Keep your head up alright, we are here to listen and help anyway we can. Take it day by day...easier said than done I know. And again...keep your head up...Good Luck

Sincere, I feel really bad for you and no matter what you're still a good person. I had a big binge and I feel terrible so if you haven't taken any, don't because it just makes you feel worse. I know I don't have any right to tell you what to do, but I thought I would let you know that I'm thinking of you and I'll send you all the energy I can.
Tim, I can't tell you how much better I felt when I read you messed up a couple of times too. Maybe I shouldn't have felt better but I did, so I thank you for telling us and maybe making it just a little bit easier for all the rest of us.
Sincere, I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. I hope you don't mind that--some people don't care too much about prayers, lol.

Sin.... ok,let's talk here for a minute....these lil conversations you keep having with yourself are very normal....Some of us tend to whine more than others about how we are really feeling so let me tell you,I still feel like SH&#&#*#(@T!!! I constantly am having a war waging inside myself...its the weirdest thing..I have never talked so much to myself(inside my head of course!) I find it utterly amazing how these pills latch on to every aspect of our lives! I feel freakin guilty about that!! My hubby is SICK of hearing how I'm tired or something hurts,balh,blah,blah! My kids are running around,can we do this,can I have that! Well,I to want to know when does this stop!!! But the good "twin" says it will get better,give it time! You want to see your kids grow up normally don't you....bad "twin"but you get so much done and like doing it when you're on those pills!good"twin" but you started being tired all the time,acting like a zombie on them,bad"twin" but you weren't in pain and you had energy......and I mean it goes on and on and on!! So,think I'm crazy if ya want (I know I do) but I have no doubt once my body straightens out I'll be better off!!take care and keep us posted!

PSSS...you will feel worse if you take those...I slept so much the next day!! And the guilt was horrid!!

I'm sorry I keep posting BUT!!! You and I have been in this for 3-4 months going heavy,it has become a way of life,but imagine all the people on it for 2+ years,even 6months! If we don't get it it together now it will be even harder later......I truely don't know how people do it who have had this addiction for a really long time...if you don't stop now you KNOW that you WILL be back here sooner or later.....It helps me to post and vent this stuff thats going on inside because I don't understand it at all!! I mean,why can't I forget about the pills and just go on!!!!!!!! It's very frustrating to say the least.The 'BAD' w/d's are over but my body still aches and I CRAVE!!!!

I saw you post earlier........whatcha doin????

Sincere,

Read your post, and I've been there. Sometimes, it was like auto-pilot. I would be driving to the pharmacy, praying to have an accident, or for someone to stop me. Crazy, huh?

I finally realized that by the time I actually PICKED UP the pills, my mind was caught in a ritual I had performed a million times. Pills were ALWAYS my response to pain. Pain + drugs = relief. Physical pain, emotional pain, didn't matter. Make it stop NOW was always my reason. I saw some posts on another topic today, which I didn't want to get in the middle of, but it was basically AA/NA (i.e. - recovery) vs. having other support, etc. I can't speak for what someone else should do - God says that's NOT my place. But for me, I needed to change how I reacted to pain, because it IS going to happen. For ME, the 12 steps have been the only way I have ever changed. I needed God to help me - no, not a particular religion, etc. I just cried out to "God, whoever you are..." and He helped me.

Every day is a new one. Using drugs yesterday has nothing to do with today (except, of course, for withdrawal). I'm currently doing a suboxone detox, because I kept using after every few days. That's the other reason I like AA/NA - nobody judged me, they told me to keep fighting.

Sorry to keep going on and on. Anyway Sincere, I've got church tonight. I'll pray for you, and you keep fighting. It's only over once we die - until then, FIGHT!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif