I am new here and most of you probably didn't catch my post "It IS possible to quit OC". But for those who did I gotta let you know I fell off (or got back on- I can never remember how it goes) the wagon. For the last few days I have been doing hydromorphone (Dilaudid) intravenously. And it seems to be even more addicting than the Oxy. If I don't do a hit (2-6mg) about every 6 hours I feel like ****. I can tell when I need one 'cuz my nose starts running. Has anyone else had experiences with Dilaudid? It catches hold quick. I'm at a point in my life now where I just don't care and it seems like the only way to keep myself from being absolutely suicidal is to do dope. And I have no more desire to quit. I thought for a while that I couldn't live the rest of my life on drugs, but now I WANT to. I'm 19 and I see no happiness in my future. Family and dope are the only things that keep me going. I know this seems really negative, but I can't (well I know I CAN- I just don't want to) help it. Sorry to let you down. If you are trying to quit, keep trying and good luck. I'm definitely not suggesting what I'm doing to anyone else. I'm sure I will be flamed mercilessly, but if I wasn't prepared to hear it I wouldn't have posted. -jeff

Jeh: No flaming from me or others as I notice. I am only concerned about you. It breaks my heart when I hear words as I do but you are the owner of your choices.

May I ask you something? Is there anyone who cares about you? The reason I ask I never had a normal family...what ever normal is.

You are so much more important than you may believe. I will not say why because everyone has different beliefs. The very fact that you exist means you are here for a reason.

zsame as me and all of us. I think it goes way beyond childbirth. Would you give yourself a chance for us to know you. I have no family and the members on here are my family. It's hard. The easy way is to care or be cared for.

Hope to hear more from you and I surely hope I did not flame you my new hopeful friend. Take care and May you have strength,

Sincerely, Risky Business http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

Dear Jeff: Your story sounds so familiar only I had no family to care about me and I am double your age. I went through feeling the way you do about 7 years ago. I starting shooting heroin. There was a very long time where I didn't want to get clean. I liked being high. There was nothing better. Until I lost custody of my daughter. I can honestly say without a doubt there is NOTHING good that comes from shooting drugs but death or prison. I also shot dilaudid but preferred the heroin, it was a stronger buzz. Most of the people I got high with are dead from overdosing including my husband. The reason I wanted to be high was because I was depressed. I felt like I had nothing to look forward too and when I was high I did. I was wrong. Don't get me wrong I have also been addicted to prescription meds and am currently on Suboxone but it works for the withdrawal and the depression. Even if you only think about it in the most simple terms as how much money you are wasting on drugs. It's not "cool" to have track marks on your arms, although for the longest time I did. I wanted to be different, you know the shock value, but there are other things in life, I swear. Believe me I am not conservative. I have 5 tattoos, been married to a rock star and a tattoo artist and I will be 37 in 2 weeks. You can have a full, happy and fulfilling life without drugs! Honestly, I probably don't even know what normal is, but I think I am probably feeling about as normal as you can. You are young, you have a very long life ahead of you and believe me it will be much happier when you are clean. There are so many people on this board who feel the same things you do. Although I don't post much, I read the postings faithfully everyday and it is very helpful even if it is just to know that you aren't alone. My heart goes out to you! You can do this. Move away, get away from the triggers that keep you a slave to this drug. Don't wait until you have lost something so precious as a child, a loved one or your life.

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

[This message has been edited by StacyVictor (edited 07-17-2003).]

Thank you sincerely for your heartfelt reply. To know that there is a stranger that truly cares about me makes me feel good inside. Please know I care about you too and would be honored to be part of your family. I used to have a lot of friends. But after Stacey (the love of my life) passed away March 19 of this year they all just abandoned me. I guess they just didn't know what to say around me. I can't blame them. What do you say to someone who just lost their whole reason for being? I wouldn't know what to say if it were someone else, but I definitely wouldn't abandon them. I guess they weren't true friends in the first place and I'm better off without them. My sister is almost the same way. She has stopped calling and/or visiting. And we used to be as close as any brother and sister you could meet. I still have a VERY loving mother and father. They are not together, and I spend my time equally with both. If it weren't for them, I would be long gone. I try to be strong for them, because losing Stacey has torn their lives apart almost as much as mine. You say you want to know me, so I'll tell you my story. I had a pretty crazy childhood. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I went through about a year of being "kidnapped" back and forth by each of them and living in tons of different places. They finally reached an agreement and I moved into a steady home with my mother, sister, and a very abusive man. We ditched the guy before long and things finally settled down. Through all this I made straight A's through school and was always top of my class. Advanced courses, going to higher grades for certain subjects, winning spelling bees, etc. I had a pretty good outlook on life as a kid and I honestly don't think my rocky childhood affected me negatively at all (it seems like a lot of people think your childhood has everything to do with who you are). If anything it gave me real life experience early. I really only mention it here at all because I'm letting you all know me and that is part of me.
In seventh grade I became very depressed when it hit me that I had no idea what the point of life was. I quit caring about school (what's the point? etc.) and started using drugs. In eighth grade I met Stacey. She was the most amazing person I had ever met and it was love at first sight. I honestly was in TRUE LOVE at 13. We became best friends (but not lovers) and remained so for years. Finally in 2000 we got together as lovers and it was heaven. We were perfect. Even my grandparents, who have been together for over 50 years, admitted that they DIDN'T EVEN KNOW LOVE LIKE THAT EXISTED. That is no lie. Everyone agreed. We were the picture of love. Noone could believe how much we loved eachother. Especially us. We were the happiest people alive. My life finally had meaning. My purpose was/is to love Stacey and to make her happy. I slowed my drug use way down (we would do some every once in a while on the weekends and make love all night). I started working and saving and we were about to get married and move into a house. We were already living together at my fathers. Life was PERFECT. Then one night we did too much methadone and xanax. I woke up in the hospital and they told me they hadn't expected me to make it through the morning. Stacey hadn't made it. I was crushed and still am. I feel that it was a mistake and I was supposed to go with her. I am only 19 and I have already been past the highest point in my life. Nothing will ever be the same and there is no way I will ever be what you could call happy again. My purpose has already passed. There is no way to make you understand how powerful what we had was. I know I am lucky to have experienced it at all, but now I have nothing to live for. I can't go five minutes without thinking of her and it hurts so bad all the time I feel like I'm going to explode. Shooting up dope is the only thing powerful enough to dull the pain. I can't sleep and when I do I dream of her constantly. I lost all my friends. If it weren't for my mother and father I would have killed myself months ago. Believe it or not, I am actually a very strong person. I don't think most people would have even been able to handle the intensity of our love, let alone the pain of the loss. So that is me. The only emotion I feel is pain. I know they say time heals all wounds but this will never go away. How do you recover from something like that? Most people tell me I will feel like my life means something eventually, but people who are real agree that I will never get better. It isn't that I don't want to, I just know it is impossible. The only things that matter to me are my parents and dope. I have no motivation to work. I never have and never will believe in religion. I am really just waiting to die. I hate to be so grim, but if we are going to be family, I don't want to lie to you. I am on a few different message boards, and the members there are what I consider my friends. I have found that it is possible to become very close to someone without ever even orally speaking to them. And I hope I can find people like that here. Thank you for listening to this lengthy post. Now you know me. And now it is your turn. Let me know you. And hopefully we can help eachother through this life. -jeff

StacyVictor- Thank you for your reply. If I remember right we have some strange similarities. My love died on March 19 and her name was Stacey. Believe me, I don't do drugs because I want to be different or cool. I have always been different and I dress and live the lifestyle of what most people call a "hippie", but I was like that before Stacey died. I do my best to HIDE my track marks, not show them off. I use for one reason and one reason only- to dull the pain. I don't care about wasting money. There is nothing else I care about to spend money on. When Stacey was alive I had nothing but hope and good feelings about the future. I was working and saving. We bought a car. We had insurance. I bought an engagement ring that was tearfully accepted. We had just signed a lease and were about to move into our first house. We were already thinking about children. We were a family. Life was perfect. Now all that is just a memory. I only have my parents and dope now. It is all explained in the post above this one. I am posting here because it feels good to get stuff out in writing and because I hope to make good friends that will help and care for me. And it looks like that is already happening, which feels great. Thank you so much for caring about me. I know you guys are sincere and that is more than I can say for most of the people around me in real life now. I wish the best for you and I hope we can be close friends. Thank you again. -jeff

[This message has been edited by JephHop (edited 07-17-2003).]

[This message has been edited by JephHop (edited 07-17-2003).]

Hey guys, please...there is always a reason for everything that happens to us...it is all Gods plan...never stop believing that something wonderful will happen...always give it a chance to come your way! You are good, kind hearted, loving people with the capacity to show concern for others...now I call that WONDERFUL!!! Look for the wonders of life as they are all around you...look in the mirrow as you are one of them!! Please TC!!! :-) and hugs!

I hope you take the time to look at methadone and/or buprenorphine (Suboxone/Subutex) maintenance. (they also do taper but if you have been trying to taper off yourself maintenance may be the way to go.

You may be just a few days away from relief right now.

When methadone was discovered as a maintenance medication it was in the course of an experiment with two addicts. As I recall, one was an artist and the other a workingman. The testing that was going on by Dr. Dole and Dr Nysander(sp) involved rying to see if they could be mainting on opiates. This failed and thay had agreed on using methadone to detox them but one of them siad why don't we try to maintan them on Methadone for a while to see what happens. Two days later, the artist asked for his brushes and paints and three days, the worker wanted to go back to work.

Many are being treated this way as a result of that experiment so many years ago.

George

Dear Jeff,

No flaming here, believe me!! I am Maria, grateful recovering addict, and I understand completely what you are going through. I wanted to know if you've ever been to Narcotics Anonymous?? If you haven't, their program is really wonderful, they've helped scores of people get clean. In most cities there are meetings every day, it's free, and the people there are all in the same boat as the rest of us. Get to a meeting, get a sponsor and follow their 12 step program. And don't beat yourself up for relapsing. Haul yourself back up and get back on that horse. You can beat this.

Take care,


------------------
Maria Starr,
Graduating With My BSN (Batchelor of Science in Nursing), May 2004!

Luckily, I did not get involved with the world of opiates until I was in my 30's!! But when I was 19...I became involved with a heroin addict. At that time, i didn't even know what that was (I'm in my 40's) ...I mean I knew it wasn't good.

Anyway, young love can be very very powerful and you don't understand yet that there can be an even stronger kind of of love as you get older; when you're not in the fog of taking a drug. Nobody could convince me at the time that this man was not my soulmate. He has since died from a heroin overdose years after we separated.

I never understood his addiction until my later years when I got addicted to all the pills. Now it strikes me how much more in common we would have had if I had only understood.

But mainly - when you're so young - it's hard to visualize that you have your whole life in front of you -- and with this drug thing -- time IS really on your side for nipping this addiction in the bud - and live life on life's terms -- to see the beauty in things and in new and different kind of loves.

Don't get me wrong - I understand what you are feeling - that things just don't seem to have meaning, and so you want to "feel" high and numb, and that's OK wtih you. Problem is - this euphoria doesn't stay that way. I understand when you say you're doing it because you're depressed. that's the reason for my recent relapse -- I actually felt that it would prevent me from committing suicide. I was so alone, isolated, scared -- I felt I had to escape to another place -- and I did. And you know what? It works very well for awhile. There's is nothing quite like it; and perhaps if no tolerance built up, and it felt the same to take 2 pills today as it did next week; gee, maybe I would continue to take these pills forever ....

Problem is - it doesn't. Before you know it, it takes more and more to get you to that place of escape and euphoria, it beging to control your whole life in your quest to get more over everything else in your life. You don't care who you hurt or steal from. It just doesn't work - and the sooner you know that the better. It may be working now - but now for long.

So - you are young and armed with this information which is very very real. I hope you can start thinking differently and viewing the world and your life differently soon.

Sincerely

Kitty

hey boss...i still got two scars on my left arm from shootin heroin on my birthday 4 years ago and i got a couple of rings on my legs also cause i used a inter-muscular needle instead of the regular rigs...they call me the chef cause ive been cookin for 29 years...im 43 and hail from michigan but have lived in fla since 1987...ive used evry single drug on the planet including dilaudid but didnt have the oppurtunity to use it that much...never shot it...i developed a heroin habit in 1984 up in michigan..i just snorted it...swore id never use a needle...was addicted for about a year and went on methadone for 7 months and wanted off it cause there were more drugs at the clinic than any where else...two people died when i was in the program...went on a ten day detox and thought i was gonna die for a month...man i was sick but i got over it...you can quit if you really,really have the desire...from 1984 to 1989 was fairly sober/clean but if i could get some valium or pain med or prescription style stuff i did...in 1990 i hurt my back at work and was put on legit opiates where i got addicted and was eating up to 40 pills a day....percs,lortab,oxy's, whatever was available...met a guy who sold heroin, so it was cheaper to buy a pill from miami that you opened up and put it in a spoon...cooked it and ran it...thought id never do that....he was the only supplier in my area and i had to quit the junk when he went down to miami to cop and when he got back two guys showed up at his house and shot him for the dope and he died..l.about 12 of us in the area had to cold turk and rely back on the pain meds...during this time i was married,have two girls 9 - 12....and hid my addiction from my wife and carried on a proffessional job as a executive chef....built a 300,000 home..wore a rolex,ect......when my supplier died my wife found out my addiction,divorced me ...thru me out...i was homeless,lost my job,tubed...i wantede to die too.....i admitted i am an addict...i went on the buprenorphine program which got me off the pills...i ran into a doc a month ago who is a recovering addict also and put me back on the methadone...which i never thought id do again....for my chronic back pain and my addiction problem....he i trust....he has informed me he will help me get clean....i beleive him...i was 19 too....i got high alot too...i did it to run from emotional pain and the euphoria....i lost everything material....but now i got a girl who loves me,knows everything and is supportive...my kids love me...your life is worth something...seek help...n/a meetings...they can give you direction...pick up the phone and call them...there is hope and there is alternatives to this dillema that you have found and that i have found and have been in for many years....i wish i could do it all over again...your young yet...you got a whole life in front of ya, so grab it, get it back while the gettins good....youve got people supportin ya here dude..ill say a prayer for ya...the chef

Jeff, I feel so bad for you. My husband died of an oxycontin overdose on March 17. I know that you won't believe this now but life does go on! My husband was happy, lookin forward to Ozzfest and had everything to live for. But you HAVE TO GO ON. Your Stacey would want you to go on. I know she would. I realize that you think now that you should have died with her but have you ever thought that maybe you didn't die because you are supposed to be here for a reason? I this sounds corny and you don't have to believe in god to believe this. There is definitley a reason you are still here. Give it some time. I won't tell you the pain will go completely away, but it does get better, it has for me! My husband overdosed because I wanted to divorce him. Do you know how that makes me feel? Horrible, guilty, sad....Hang in there Jeff, I'll be thinking of you.

Maybe my post did spark a flame: All I ever wish is to hopefully keep those who are very down up and and that's very hard when I am down most the time.

Jeh, I am happy you receieved responses and I felt that you needed them so badly. May all have peace if possible, Risky Business http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

I don't even know how to respond to your original post. Reading it makes me so sad for you. You are so young to have to go through so much pain. I am a mom of a 21 year old son. He is my precious. I can't imagine my life without him. He too abused drugs. He sniffed 100-150 mgs of oxycontin a day for 1 1/2 years but most heavily after the love of his life dumped him because of his drug use. We live in a small town and he still sees her all the time with her new boyfriend and it crushes him. He finally got off all drugs ( he also smoked pot) 2 months ago. While on the OC's, he was slowly turning into a very angry young man, putting huge holes in his walls from smashing his body against them. He and I live alone and I was becoming frightened for him. I knew he would never hurt me but I was afraid that one day he would hurt himself. I finally after many crying and begging sessions got him to go to an outpatient program which for him worked. I told him that he didn't have to do it for himself but I begged him to do it for me and he did. It included NA meetings and meds to help with withdrawal. He is still on an anti depressant but thats all. He still has his bad days because he has many stomach and bowel problems. Maybe from the drugs? But I notice now how he will sit in the living room with our cats and I will catch him smiling at them , a genuine smile, a happy smile. And it happens a little more every day. I don't know what I would have done if I had lost him completely to drugs. I feel blessed every day to have him with me. I can imagine that your mom feels the same about you. Please for her sake try again. Being a mom, I know how she feels about you. She will love you no matter. If you were here, I would put my arms around you and hug you and beg you not to give up. For your sake and your mom's. But whatever you do, I will pray for you and hope you find peace in this life.

a mom


[This message has been edited by joanharvest (edited 07-17-2003).]

Jeb I just wanted to let you know that I did read your original post "It IS possible to quit' and it helped me get through a few bad days......I didn't feel sorry for myself...I knew things could be alot worse....we all will have our bad days/weeks/falls/backslides/barreling back down the hill per say....but I know you got it in you to beat this!! You really made me think before and I appreciate that....please listen to what others have to say....keep reading the posts...you are so not alone!!
take care!!