Hi-
Went to another meeting today; last one I had to bolt because of a panic attack (or something). I still did not feel comfortable talking at the meeting - I feel so detached from people and I think I've gotten used to it that trying to re-attach feels very very hard. So nervously, I spoke, having trouble getting the words out, my heart racing. Trying to face my fears.

Another day - I guess it's 8 days now -- so I can't expect to feel so-called "normal" ... AND the vicodin came in the mail today, right to the door. I looked at the package and it remains unopened - in the attic. yes, I know I should throw it away - but part of me won't let me and i decided not to fight that - but I am fighting to stay away - for now. I didn't come this far, and suffered through the week in a half-coma to just take a few and feel better at this point.

So - that's my story for today. If I had just one good day -- one day of feeling normal w/o the aches and pains, w/o feeling lonely, w/o feeling so fatigued, maybe I would throw them away. I will give it more time....

Kitty

Hey girl, you sound a little better than you did yesterday! I know it was hard looking at those pills!!!!

Kitty, have been reading some of your posts...(I am new here)I think you sound like your on the right track! So brave of you to attend the meeting and face people! I couldn't do that...not in "this" town!! You said you got your vics in the mail?? Sorry, I didn't understand...those are my demon too and sometimes I wish it was alcohol which is so much easier to obtain...and accepted! I have had health issues over the past year, but can honestly say I faked it once just to get a script! (so disgusting!) I am currently at 2 a day and that is enough to make me a happy girl...but I know that if I keep it up it will get worse! Everyones advice here has been so helpful and hopefully I will be able to put it to good use and jump off this train soon...very very soon! Please keep up the good work...you are a very brave, admirable person! TC!! :-)

Whatever,

Your post spoke to me at this particular time ... why? Because here I am, not feeling too bad tonight; and I'm having a vicios fight with myself. It's ridiculous.

Yes the vics came in the mail today ... I took the package, brought it up to the attic and left them there. But who am I kidding??? I've got to get rid of them or I will take them.

It's amazing that you are taking just 2 a day ...if I could do that - I think I would !!! And not feel to ashamed of that, and not fear the next withdrawal syndrome.

I don't think I could do that...I thought of it just as I read your post hmmm maybe I could - just 2, make me sleep better and tomorrow we'll see.

Why can't I throw them away? I even thought of giving them to a neighbor until past the weekend, but why play games with myself? If I keep them..I think I'll take them, whether that be 2 a night, or escalate to more again.

I just went through this whole thing... you feel as if you have invested you body & soul for 10 days; and then forget about it???

Y'all have a good night. Tonight I will NOT take a vicodin. That's promise.

Kitty

Kitty, Your strength amazes me! Honestly, though, I would get rid of them if you can find it within yourself! That is a very tough thing to do and I can say for sure I know I couldn't...but maybe you can since you have held out this long...it's worth a try! But if you are doing okay keeping them and it's a way to help with your WD, then keep doing what your doing...Lord only knows I'm not one to give advice as I would be taking them...2 at a time, but nonetheless!

I know several posters here have been amazed at my 2-a day habit, but that's really the way it is with me...but isn't that the way everyone "starts"?? I am sure if I kept this up, by the following year at this time I would be up to 10 or more a day! My suppy is getting low and in another 3 days I will be on empty (LOL!)...I am going to try very hard not to find anymore excuses to need them and start with some lifestyle changes too! I have used them in the past for creativity and do some really beautiful stuff while on them...hopefully this talent will not leave me as I need it in my life more than ever! I have to quit rationalizing with myself that Picasso or Rembrandt were probably doped up while creating some of their most famous stuff too...Jeez!!! (LOL!!??)

Well, continue to stay well, keep busy and try to block out the voices that are telling you to go up to that attic (I just tell them to shut the F-up!!)..God give us strength!!! TC!!

Percokitty:

If you do not mind, how many times have you tried to get off the medications. Do you still need them for pain?

George

Whatever http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Your post made me laugh about creativity and taking pills...actually it seems like alot of people feel that way; they can't do this and that w/o them. I used to feel that way about drinking wine and playing the piano, etc.

Well - I didn't throw them out - but I did take 1. why? Who knows. And strangely, I felt worse than better. It gave me a headache and I couldn't sleep real well last night ... so I put them back away. I also had another refill coming from somewhere else and i called them and told them not to send it (as they send them automatically).

You know if I could take 2 at night to fulfill something in me ... I would not be to unhappy or feel to ashamed !!! But I'm not sure I could do that. Altho last night I did. But really, right now I don't want to interrupt the process of withdrawal and getting back my energy.

Thanks for the reply and I think we understand eadch other!

Kitty

George,
I've tried getting off the medications, maybe total of 3 times ... and I'm no longer in pain. Occasionally that injury acts up and I feel a little pain, but not much.

Kitty

Kitty, thrown them out. When I went thru detox if I had a pill in the house I would have taken it so fast it would not have hit the sides of my throat on the way down lol If there around you most likely will break down and take them, I would have. I was soo very thankful I flushed mine.

Second time around I tapered and had to have them around. If you are tapering then hang on to them and take them as the taper schedule dictates

I so want you to be free, happy and enjoying the good times!

phil

Phil,
Hi. I should take your advice, I know. And your right, I already took one - yes just one last night; and I can't believe I took just one, really! And, I didn't sleep too well. Haven't had anything all day ... altho they are playing mind games with me. I guess I feel I can still "control" them rather than their controlling me so that when I do have a headache as I did today, I could just take 1 or 2 and leave it or that. Maybe...

I also had another refill coming apparently; they E-mailed me that it would be sent in 5 days. I called them and told them NOT to send it to me automatically like that; to wait to here from me -- which they may never do.

Anyway, that's it for refills ... after that ... I would have to go through re-consulting with Drs, etc. and it gets expensive and I will NOT do that again. I know I won't. Whether I take 1 or 2 here and there, it's the last of them and I will not make an effort to get anymore.

Kitty

Kitty, hope you don't think I'm being too nosey...but how do you get vics in the mail?? Is it an insurance thing or one of those places on the internet where you consult with a doctor over the phone and receive the script in the mail? (That is quite expensive! I had a friend who was considering doing that if her doctor wouldn't prescribe her anymore...I just never thought it was for real, but I have heard of people who have actually got theirs that way!)

I hope you can find the courage to get rid of them or use them to taper as someone had posted! Your brave...that would be tearing me up if I had them in the house and was going through WDs!!

I really screwed up tonite and am feeling really afraid now...I took 2 of my 6 I had left and enjoyed myself so much, but it wore off so fast that I just said heck with it and took 2 more! Now my little stash is down to 2! Just 2-damn pills!!! This is really catching up with me fast...didn't want to face it till the wknd, but now looks like I have no choice! Stupid, stupid me! I will probably be up all night now...worrying! Seems like if I have a big script of them, I'm okay and will take them 2 a day...but let me get down to a small amount and for some reason I get stupid with them...I do cigarettes the same way...damn additions!!! Arggggggg!!!!

You know..I'm thinking sleeping through WDs would work good for me...not sure what to expect, but really enjoy good, long naps! LOL!

Well, must go finish my "creativeness"...the night is young! Tomorrow is a new day.....TC!!!

Whatever,
yes, online pharmacies. I got an E-mail in the mail one day and then found out there were many of the same. The coonsultations plus scripts ARE expensive, the refills that come afterward are not, altho of course my insurance does not cover it. I knew I could not go on like this.

I konw the kind of mind games you are playing with youurself when you're down to a few and your intentions are good for tapering, but that feeling oh the heck with it and then worrying about how little you have left. I hope to never have to deal with that anymore.

I think right now I am able to take 1 or 2 here and there because for the most part withdrawals are over and I don't feel the dying need to take one. I've succumed here and there for whatever psychological reason...and I'm ok with it. As long as I don't start gobbling down 3 at a time just one month ago.

I took one last night and I'm looking at a bottle of 100....so I think they will be lasting me a loooong time. Maybe at some point, I'll flush them or i'll feel I don't really need them anymore at all.

Take care

Kitty

Kitty...I have no idea how you can set there and look at them! I find that so amazing when people do that! I had to flush mine or I'd take em..(I think they talked to me....take me...take me...hahaha!j/k!) Don't you have even more coming??? If you know your not strong enough to maintain....throw them girl or you'll be going through w/d's again! I have seen some of your previous posts and know his isn't the 1st time you have detoxed so maybe its better not to have them...I am not trying to critisize by any means...I just know how they (the pills) grab a hold of your every waking thought and doesn't let go!
take care!

Hi Okie,
They are not talking to me at this point. Because I'm beginning to feel better actually without them.

I do get nervous when i am alone, and feeling sorry for myself sometimes; the thought occurs to me ... but my memory is still very fresh from this recent detox. I've invested too much time to backslide too much.

I think it is wise that I should be abstinent as most addicts strive to be...but at thsi point my goal is not abstinence, but something very close to it. I may need them some day for a valid reason.

As for more coming - I did - they would have sent me more automatically but i called them and told them to 'wait' until I called them. They made a note in my file.

Kitty

Percokitty: Thanks for your answer on the pain meds. I believe that an MD will help you do a withdrawal. You could ask for that professional help. You could also go to a bupremorphine MD and try that for a detox or maintenance. With your chronic relapse problem developing, now is the time to get help. Pills are a very potent narcotic. Take care of yourself.

Did you have an addiction problem before you went on the pain meds?

If you find yourself in the same circumstances as before you might try a buprenorphine detox or maintenance depending on your need. Take the time to call an MD.
http://www.buprenorphine.samhsa.gov/bwns_locator/dr_search.htm

The chances of a person with chronic depression to be a substance abuser are about 4 times the average person. Bipolar is 14.5 times. If you have a mental disease it may be helpful to see a psychiartrist.

George,

I am under the care of a Dr. for depression.

As for burpenrophine, why would I want to do that now? I'm feeling pretty good after 10 days and happy I was able to get beyond detox, and to be truthful, right now I feels strong and able to continue with this progress.

Why in the world would I want to jump into yet another addictive drug (which suboxone is) when I've come this far?????

If I continue to relapse, again & again & again - I can see that as a possible option -- but not at this point in my life.

Kitty