I'm so glad I found this board this morning. I read and read over the post in hopes of finding some info on c/t w/d. I did, thank you all.

Funny, I seem to feel a little better but on the other hand, when I woke up this morning I felt worse than I have felt since my last pill Wed evening. That didn't stop me from doing my daily search of trying to find a stray pill (loratab) but just like yesterday and the day before, and the day before I found nada.

At the moment I'm glad I didn't.

I have been on and off of them for the last 5 years. The last 8-9 months have been pretty solid on them. I have to say that I have NEVER felt this bad before.

While my daily dose is not as high as some, I'm just as addicted as the person taking very high doses. I am fortunate and a little ashamed that I am not in pain. I don't have back or other problems that would really require pain meds, just liked the way they made me feel.

I have had addiction problems in the past and was completely clean for 13 years. I'm not sure what made me think I could take one every now and then and all would be well but 5 years down the road, here I am. Reading self help book after book.

I have tried giving my pills for others to hold for me, only to run and get them after a few days, I have mailed them to myself, lol. Pretty silly huh?

In fact one of my "holder's" is supposed to meet me on Tuesday to give me the rest of my pills. What to do, what to do? I want to get off of them for good.

They have changed my personlity over the last couple of years, I don't like who I am any more. I have a son who is now in the Navy but I know has addiction problems. In fact he called to ask me to find some AA meetings in the area he is stationed. When I told his dad...we are divorced about his call he told me that the only other person he has seen like my son was me! I felt very very low. I have told no one about what he said to me. For one thing I have been hiding my drug use even though I know my family is not stupid, they are just afraid of my rath.

Not to go on and on. Just a little about me.

I did go to the store and buy a few things, I forgot the imodium, but think I have a few still floating around the house. I have had some bowel problems but not as bad as when I have ran out before. I just feel like...I have the flu. No energy, don't answer the phone, don't even check my email messages much.

I also stopped at Blockbuster and rented 3 movies so that should keep me occupied. I'll keep the liquids going in and just take it easy.

Thanks for being here.

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Listen to the color of your dreams, turn off your mind, relax and float downstream. It is not dying. Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void, it is shining. That you may see the meaning of within; it is being. That love is all, love is everyone; it is knowing. When ignorance and haste may mourn the dead ;it is believing. But listen to the color of your dream; it is not living. Or play the game "existence" to the end of the beginning-Beatles.


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Welcome to this board! I am sure you will hear from others soon. I don't post very much, I am more of a "lurker", but at least I don't feel alone, which really means a lot to me. You will find a lot of love and support here, no matter what decisions you make. Again, welcome!

Thank you for the welcome. I am looking for love and support.

from one Beatles fan to another WELCOME!!! I am named after the song Dear Prudence from the White Album.

Ironically John didn't have any advice on how to find the pills I've maticulously hidden in my house over the years. I'm certain they are there....just need to look one more time. Been there, I completely understand. I have been doing some Subutex research and thought that it may help to share the link to the website that can help find a doctor in whatever state you're from. You can go to www.suboxone.com (http://www.suboxone.com) and it will show a Physician Finder. I also re-read the posts from people here that have used that method and with exception to one person who tried to mainline it, it seems that it's worked wonders for them. Maybe an option for both of us. I'm going home to make some calls and aignst ridden voice mails to uncaring doctors in hopes that someone will see me tomorrow. For the Suboxone that is. Good luck to you, this is a safe place for me, I hope it is for you as well.

Thanks, Pez. Now I can't get "Dear Prudence" out of my head

I'm not sure if suboxone (sp) is right for me or not. The techincal stuff I tried to read on the site mentioned benzo's and I'm not totally free there either. In fact I have increased my diazapam to try and relieve some of the uncomfortablness I am feeling. When I got home from the store a little earlier, I thought I felt a bit better. But since then I am having adominal pain and more flu like symptoms.

What I want is to get off all drugs once again. I never felt better than when I was completely sober. One might ask well then why did you start back up. I'm not sure, a little stress, a little boredom...I don't know.

I would like to find a dr or counselor in the Houston area. Does anyone know of how I might go about finding one? Preferably someone familiar with addictions but is not going to insist I go to NA or AA. I have been, I have nothing against them, but I found that counseling worked best for me. Maybe it's a comfort thing. I don't want to offend anyone, I know it works for lots and lots of people.

Thanks again Pez, for the link. I did find a dr on the list and called but his number is no longer working.

Toomany

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Listen to the color of your dreams, turn off your mind, relax and float downstream. It is not dying. Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void, it is shining. That you may see the meaning of within; it is being. That love is all, love is everyone; it is knowing. When ignorance and haste may mourn the dead ;it is believing. But listen to the color of your dream; it is not living. Or play the game "existence" to the end of the beginning-Beatles.


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Hi toomany---just a quick WELCOME!!!! I hope you feel better soon. I am trying to get off these suckers too. I am going the tapering route...c/t scares the crap outta me with my 4 kids running around....been there, done that, DON'T WANT TO GO THERE AGAIN!!! I have made it 28 days before, and then caved because of depression. I'm definitely going for it this time.....once the tapering is done, so are the pills. I have been clean from alcohol and cocaine for close the 7 years now....why can't i get off of these pills. I refuse to let a small, white tablet control my life anymore. If tapering doesn't work, i guess i will have to go to my doctor. I have about 30 left......should be a rough week....
anyway, hang in there
LISA

Hi Lisa,

I would definitely go the taper route too if I had small ones running around. Keep it up, I know it is possible to do it ....probably smarter, to do it that way.

My plan was to taper but I became greedy. But on the other hand I am living alone, I'm out of a job, so, I suppose now is as good a time as any to c/t. I didn't expect all the withdrawal to hit me, perhaps some denial, so, this has been a very big eye opener for me. For one, it allowed me to see just how addicted I had become to these pills.

I would still like to find a doctor, perhaps an addiction specialist. I do think I may need an anti-depressant. I don't want to go back on these pills and maybe short term use of an a/d may help. I sure don't want to trade one for another. I truly want to be completely drug and alcohol free. I also have to taper the benzos. Alcohol has never really called my name, I don't think it will be a problem to stop.

It's been a little over 96 hours (4 days) since my last pill so perhaps today will be a better day. I think if I can hang on 3-5 more days I will start to see day light again. I hope to have found a counselor or some sort of addiction specialist...that will work with me on a sliding scale since I couldn't afford the COBRA Insurance any longer. I think I need a little extra support.

I will be thinking of you all today.

My first thought when I opened my eyes was the guy who had his wife flush all his pills yesterday :eek:, and then immediately regretted that decision. Been there, done that too. My heart goes out to you, I hope you got a little shut eye and that brighter days are ahead...that is what we are all looking for, right. They are there, if we just stay clean.

Peace,
Toomany

Hey, sounds like you are on the right track, so stay on it, I think you are really doing better than most during w/ds if you are getting sleep at night,congrats on that anyway http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif Just Stay Strong, and Good Luck http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif