stephielou
07-14-2003, 06:39 PM
i went under the womens health board bc my friend is also registered on healthboards and i have a question to ask and i need advice from some one who may have experienced this also. me and my cousin have been best friends for a little over a year now!! i love her so much... but soemtimes the things she does upset me! like she'll do things that i think are wrong... weither it be with her boyfriend or with her friends family or grades! and i keep it all in because she'll just get mad at me if i tell her how i feel... or she usually finds some way to turn it against me and find soemthing i did wrong!! i would like to know how to tell her stuff but i lately (ever since me and my friend became closer the three of us hit off!) i cant feel like i can trust her bc she alrady told ppl i had sex with my boyfriend when i didnt want to and shes very open about my secrets and i dont like it! what should i say to her to make her understand where im coming from!!! i dont feel like she appriciates the things i do for her!! i have done a lot for her and i never seem to get the same amount in return and im the type of person that if u give soemthing to someone u expect it in return!! u give em a couple slip ups but trust me ... i spent nearly 200 dollars on her for her birthday and she never once sed thank you!! i mean i gave her a surprise party and everything!!! its just really frustrating!! help please!!!!!!!!!
Sponsor
jessilynn68
07-15-2003, 12:25 AM
Originally posted by stephielou:
i went under the womens health board bc my friend is also registered on healthboards and i have a question to ask and i need advice from some one who may have experienced this also. me and my cousin have been best friends for a little over a year now!! i love her so much... but soemtimes the things she does upset me! like she'll do things that i think are wrong... weither it be with her boyfriend or with her friends family or grades! and i keep it all in because she'll just get mad at me if i tell her how i feel... or she usually finds some way to turn it against me and find soemthing i did wrong!! i would like to know how to tell her stuff but i lately (ever since me and my friend became closer the three of us hit off!) i cant feel like i can trust her bc she alrady told ppl i had sex with my boyfriend when i didnt want to and shes very open about my secrets and i dont like it! what should i say to her to make her understand where im coming from!!! i dont feel like she appriciates the things i do for her!! i have done a lot for her and i never seem to get the same amount in return and im the type of person that if u give soemthing to someone u expect it in return!! u give em a couple slip ups but trust me ... i spent nearly 200 dollars on her for her birthday and she never once sed thank you!! i mean i gave her a surprise party and everything!!! its just really frustrating!! help please!!!!!!!!!
Hi Stephie -
I am quoting this so I can see everything you posted as I reply.
I think everyone has a "friend" like this at one point in our lives, and it doesn't get any less hurtful as you get older.
First- she has told people things you don't want her to. This tells you right away she can't be trusted. There is no rule that says you can't be friendly with someone without revealing your innermost secrets. You can be civil, etc., and not get too deep, which brings me to my next point.
It seems as if you know a lot about her, and that's ok, if you are comfortable with that. It seems as though you aren't, though. The next time she tells you something you are sure you won't want to hear, simply say, "I am uncomfortable knowing that." Then change the subject. If she persists, tell her you feel uncomfortable knowing certain things about her, and ask her to refrain from the free-for-all of her life. If she still persists, simply walk away from it. Its hard, I know, but you need to put yourself first here. If she persists that much, clearly she isn't concerned about your feelings as much as you are about hers.
I would forget about any polite thank yous from her for the party you threw her. She doesn't sound as if she is the type for that. You can't change anyone else, you can only change how you react to them, and what you do for them. I certainly hope this was the last party you throw in her honor, at least until she grows up some and will appreciate it.
That said, I am suggesting taking a non-confrontational approach as she is family. If this were a regular friend from school or work or whatever, I would advise going with a more direct approach.
Also, you will start to realize as you get older that doing something for someone is jsut a nice thing to do, and if you do it because of what you get in return, you are doing it for the wrong reasons. She isn't likely to throw you any parties lately, or loan you clothes, or lend you money, etc. She doesn't sound like that kind of person.
It will take some time before you are totally comfortable with doing this, but it will come. And remember - if you act confident, soon you will feel confident. It becomes the norm.
A couple of last things - if you feel comfortable, just tell her how you feel. Don't accuse - just say "I felt hurt when I took the time to plan such a nice party for you and you didn't thank me." Stuff like that - "It makes me uncomfortable to hear about your bf, your grades, whatever." She may have no idea.
You posted that she told people you had sex with your bf when you "didn't want to." I am thinking this might be a typo, and you didn't mean that you had sex with bf and didn't really want to. Did you mean instead that she told people about it and you didn't really want her to? Ihope its the latter, and that you haven't ever had sex with anyone when you didn't want to.
Good luck.
i went under the womens health board bc my friend is also registered on healthboards and i have a question to ask and i need advice from some one who may have experienced this also. me and my cousin have been best friends for a little over a year now!! i love her so much... but soemtimes the things she does upset me! like she'll do things that i think are wrong... weither it be with her boyfriend or with her friends family or grades! and i keep it all in because she'll just get mad at me if i tell her how i feel... or she usually finds some way to turn it against me and find soemthing i did wrong!! i would like to know how to tell her stuff but i lately (ever since me and my friend became closer the three of us hit off!) i cant feel like i can trust her bc she alrady told ppl i had sex with my boyfriend when i didnt want to and shes very open about my secrets and i dont like it! what should i say to her to make her understand where im coming from!!! i dont feel like she appriciates the things i do for her!! i have done a lot for her and i never seem to get the same amount in return and im the type of person that if u give soemthing to someone u expect it in return!! u give em a couple slip ups but trust me ... i spent nearly 200 dollars on her for her birthday and she never once sed thank you!! i mean i gave her a surprise party and everything!!! its just really frustrating!! help please!!!!!!!!!
Hi Stephie -
I am quoting this so I can see everything you posted as I reply.
I think everyone has a "friend" like this at one point in our lives, and it doesn't get any less hurtful as you get older.
First- she has told people things you don't want her to. This tells you right away she can't be trusted. There is no rule that says you can't be friendly with someone without revealing your innermost secrets. You can be civil, etc., and not get too deep, which brings me to my next point.
It seems as if you know a lot about her, and that's ok, if you are comfortable with that. It seems as though you aren't, though. The next time she tells you something you are sure you won't want to hear, simply say, "I am uncomfortable knowing that." Then change the subject. If she persists, tell her you feel uncomfortable knowing certain things about her, and ask her to refrain from the free-for-all of her life. If she still persists, simply walk away from it. Its hard, I know, but you need to put yourself first here. If she persists that much, clearly she isn't concerned about your feelings as much as you are about hers.
I would forget about any polite thank yous from her for the party you threw her. She doesn't sound as if she is the type for that. You can't change anyone else, you can only change how you react to them, and what you do for them. I certainly hope this was the last party you throw in her honor, at least until she grows up some and will appreciate it.
That said, I am suggesting taking a non-confrontational approach as she is family. If this were a regular friend from school or work or whatever, I would advise going with a more direct approach.
Also, you will start to realize as you get older that doing something for someone is jsut a nice thing to do, and if you do it because of what you get in return, you are doing it for the wrong reasons. She isn't likely to throw you any parties lately, or loan you clothes, or lend you money, etc. She doesn't sound like that kind of person.
It will take some time before you are totally comfortable with doing this, but it will come. And remember - if you act confident, soon you will feel confident. It becomes the norm.
A couple of last things - if you feel comfortable, just tell her how you feel. Don't accuse - just say "I felt hurt when I took the time to plan such a nice party for you and you didn't thank me." Stuff like that - "It makes me uncomfortable to hear about your bf, your grades, whatever." She may have no idea.
You posted that she told people you had sex with your bf when you "didn't want to." I am thinking this might be a typo, and you didn't mean that you had sex with bf and didn't really want to. Did you mean instead that she told people about it and you didn't really want her to? Ihope its the latter, and that you haven't ever had sex with anyone when you didn't want to.
Good luck.
stephielou
07-15-2003, 07:53 PM
ive known my boyfriend since i was 5 and hes my best friend!! and i wanted to have sex with him!! u were very rite!! and what i didnt mean that her telling me things about her grades family and boyfriend made me uncomfortable... what i really meant is i dont approve of them... like she can be really rude to her family sometimes and i dont feel like she does herpart around the house and ive always thought shes had it easier then me.. my mom always said that she was just jealous because im "prettier than her" and thats why shes so rude to me... but i dont want her to take her aggressions in life out on me and i know that i cant change the kind of person she is but i recently became really close with a friend ive had for a very long time ... me and her were close first and then my cousin became close as well... so its kind of us three ... there both a year older then me and my friend really likes to include me in things and make me feel special and i love her to peices but sometimes i dont feel like my best friend does... but she is to our other friend but not to me!! its just frustrating and i want her to know that im still here!!! i didnt just disappear or soemthing!!! i want to be able to tell her things but i dont know how... please help!!!!
jessilynn68
07-15-2003, 08:52 PM
Hi Steph -
The only thing that I can say that I haven't already said - well there isn't anything really. She might be jealous, she might not be. But you won't ever know unless you talk to her about these things. We are all usually uncomfrtable hearing about things we don't approve of, and the only thing you can do is talk to her about these things, or try and change the subject, or just walk away. Honestly, it sounds to me as if you and she are both feeling pretty insecure, and its just showing in different ways. You feel like you are disappearing - she acts out and gets nasty.
What I think you are wanting is a magical solution that will make everyone happy again, and there isn't one. Your mom says she has been jealous of you for a long time, and yet you are surprised that things are different now. Sounds to me like things have been headed this way for some time. Whatever you decide to do, good luck. Maybe someone else has different advice for ya.
The only thing that I can say that I haven't already said - well there isn't anything really. She might be jealous, she might not be. But you won't ever know unless you talk to her about these things. We are all usually uncomfrtable hearing about things we don't approve of, and the only thing you can do is talk to her about these things, or try and change the subject, or just walk away. Honestly, it sounds to me as if you and she are both feeling pretty insecure, and its just showing in different ways. You feel like you are disappearing - she acts out and gets nasty.
What I think you are wanting is a magical solution that will make everyone happy again, and there isn't one. Your mom says she has been jealous of you for a long time, and yet you are surprised that things are different now. Sounds to me like things have been headed this way for some time. Whatever you decide to do, good luck. Maybe someone else has different advice for ya.